To: Readers of the Imperfect Parent blog

From: Maureen

Re: Exorcism

Dear All:

Can anyone recommend a good exorcist? I, myself, have no connections to those who can communicate with the demonic world, but maybe one of you does.

Please. It’s urgent. The power of Christ compels you.

Looks innocuous, right?

Keychain says: “I will destroy you.”

The dark spiritual activity started a few months ago.  Ryan likes to play with a toy keychain which makes car and siren noises. The fact that the car sounds like a dying baby seal and the siren a clown horn is irrelevant.

It was annoying enough when my son decided to press the clown horn every fifteen minutes during a five-hour car ride to visit my in-laws.  Now the keychain simply goes off by itself.  Usually around 3:30am or when I’m in a room alone.

I’ll be reading my new US Weekly, laughing at photos of Lindsay Lohan and her “water bottle,” happy for a few quiet moments after my son is asleep and my husband is taking out the dog, when I hear what sounds like Bozo the clown playing the trumpet.

I’ve logically checked to see if the toy has batteries I could remove. It does not. It seems to be powered via an internal motor or something. Or maybe it runs on lead paint. Or maybe it is fueled by the hatred of damned souls.

I immediately suspected the “TV people,” and avoided all television static. It didn’t work.

So, either the toy itself is posessed, in which case we should give it to our neighbor who left dog crap on our front door, or our house has a ghost who likes to drive us nuts. Either theory is fine, but I’m hoping we have a ghost since I’d like to train it to do helpful tasks like fetch me beer, find the remote, clean up my son’s diaper explosions and hand me bon-bons while I’m watchin’ my stories. Or maybe I could teach Captain Howdy to be entertaining, like Beetlejuice, and it could amuse our drunk friends at parties by forcing them to dance to calypso music.

If it is posessed, I know I can’t just throw it away or hack it into tiny little pieces without it re-appearing on my bed five minutes later.

So what’s a parent to do?

 

Bookmark to:
    

One of my fondest memories of Christmastime as a kid was not even close to Christmas Day, but rather around Thanksgiving — that was the time when the giant toy catalog would come in the mail. Upon its arrival, my task was to go through and find the toys I wanted and write them on a list to be sent to Santa Claus (c/o The North Pole). The catch was that I could only pick 10 finalists, of which Santa would peruse them and determine which one was to be America’s Next Top Toy.

At 6 years old this was one of the most important decisions of my life, and I put more thought into it than the Nobel Institute picking its prizewinners. I spent days sitting at the desk in my bedroom, poring over the catalog pages. I would frantically circle items, scratch others out, dog-ear corners, prioritize, and overflow my wastebasket with crumpled up piles of list rejects. After final deliberation, I would carefully fold the list and place it into its awaiting stamped and addressed envelope and finally emerge, weary and barely able to lift my arm and present the list to my mother. She would smile, put the envelope in her purse, and promise to drop it in the mail on her next trip outside. At the time, I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just let me run down to the corner and do it myself.

I wanted to continue this tradition with my own children, but being the online addict that I am, I wanted to bring it into the modern day. So instead of a catalog, I sat them down in front of the computer and pulled up the Toys ‘R Us website. I showed them how to browse the different categories, and how to add items to their shopping cart. Just like my mom used to, I told them to think very hard and pick toys that they really, really wanted, and I would send the cart to Santa when they were done and he would pick the very best toys to bring them. Unlike my mom, however, I neglected to give them any sort of limit. Here was the result:

Does anyone know where I can get a good rate on a home equity loan?

Bookmark to:
    

Lead. If you’re into chemistry, you might know it as Pb or atomic number 82 on the periodic table. When ingested in high levels by humans, it can cause neurological problems, gastrointestinal problems, kidney problems, and even reproductive problems. In extreme cases, it can even cause death and is particularly dangerous to children.

According to Wilkipedia, lead is commonly found in things like?‚? car batteries, coolant, paint (prior to 1978), high voltage power cables, and roofing material. Not really things that your child will be playing with, right? So I guess we can all heave a huge old sigh of relief and move on, right?

Wrong.

It seems like every time I turn around,?‚? I’m hearing about yet another?‚? seemingly innocuous?‚? item that contains lead. Your artificial christmas tree? Full of it.?‚? ?‚? The plastic?‚? Halloween costumes?‚? for sale at stores nationwide??‚? Lead, baby.?‚? The candy that our neighbors could be handing out for Halloween? Mmmm, yummy lead. The lunch bags we’ve been using for the past five years…uh, lead sandwiches anyone??‚? The toy jewelry that your child got from a vending machine and that cute little?‚? bracelet you bought your daughter at the Disney?‚? Store??‚? Yep, you guessed it - lead and more lead.

I could go on, but I won’t. You get the picture.

What I want to know is: what the heck is going on? You’d think that since we know that lead is poisonous, that at the very least, we wouldn’t find it our children’s toys.

I guess we can find some solace in the fact that in some states, like California, business are required to provide warnings when a product is known to contain toxic chemicals. That is, unless there is no such law in your state. In which case, some people apparently feel free to ignore the public health risk just so they can sell their products, as reported in this news story:

California law requires businesses to provide warnings when they expose the public to hazardous chemicals, like lead. But that’s not the case everywhere. Some costumes found in California are being sold in other states with the warning labels blacked out.

Blacked out, people. The?‚? labels warning us that?‚? our children’s Halloween costumes contain toxic levels of lead are being blacked out.

What is this world coming to?

?‚?

Bookmark to: