As I was browsing the web the other day, this article caught my attention. Since I’m always on the lookout for ways to stretch my dollar, and this one advertised a way to save $1000 a month, I clicked on it. Who doesn’t want to save $1000 a month? That’s a lot of money! What I found was another unhelpful list of things I’m already doing. It reminded me of that episode of Malcolm in the Middle, when they find out Lois is pregnant with the 5th kid. Hal says something like he’s gone over the budget and if they stop going on vacations and stop eating out, give up buying a new car every couple of years, then they should be able to make it. Lois twists her face up and explodes with, Hal, we don’t do any of those things now! Whose life have you been living?

I see so many of these “helpful” lists about how to do this or how to do that, and they’re just a compilation of things that anyone who knows how to point and click should already have figured out and chosen to implement or not (maybe you WANT to drink soda even though you know it’s expensive). They bother me, these lists. On the one hand, I feel so savvy, like I’m ahead of the game by being smart enough look ahead and beat the “experts” by doing the very things they recommend ages before they write the list. On the other hand, I feel cheated, because I’ve already saved that thousand dollars and spent it so the article does me no good. I’m giving up on reading those kind of articles and instead, I want to try to get me a JOB as one of these people writing those lists. I think I’d be pretty good at it. Here are a couple of my ideas:

——————–
Five ways to save your marriage

With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, a lot of couples are afraid for the future of their relationships. The following five practical suggestions can help your marriage survive some rough times:

1. Don’t cheat on your spouse. Or, at least, don’t get caught. Cheating on your spouse makes him or her feel like they can’t trust you anymore. It makes them feel like maybe you don’t find them attractive anymore and would rather be with another mate. Try some magazines or videos to “spice up” your relationship instead. You can always use your imagination. Avoiding this common marriage pitfall can go a long way in keeping your relationship intact.

2. Don’t be abusive. Beating on your husband or wife sends a clear message that the relationship is in danger. Put another way, don’t hit your partner. When you show your spouse love and tenderness instead of beating up on them, it significantly reduces the chances that you will end up in divorce court and/or jail.

3. Pull your own weight. When one partner won’t get a job, or just sits around the house watching television and making demands from the other partner (Get me a beer, bitch) while the other one does all the work, it can set the relationship off balance. Spouses should try to divide the work equally. A friend of mine does not work, but her husband does, so she does the housework and childcare while he is at the office earning the income. It gives her something to do during the day and relieves some of his workload as well.

4. Keep it in your pants. Your wallet that is. Overspending is a common complaint among married people. One spouse digs the couple into debt, and the other spouse feels overwhelmed with the alarm-colored disconnection notices and aggressive phone calls from collection agencies. Discuss large ticket purchases before hand and consider working up a budget.

5. Talk to each other. It may seem obvious, but I bet a few of you still don’t communicate with each other. Set aside a few minutes every day to ask about your spouse’s day. Let your spouse know what’s on your mind, too. Talking to your spouse is an excellent way to keep your finger on the pulse of the relationship, and it can be fun.

In conclusion.

Today’s high divorce rate can be frightening. But, there are some tools you can use to keep your relationship together during these hard times and avoid high lawyer costs and complicated child custody battles.

Or how about:

——————–
Five ways to raise good kids.

Parenting has never been harder or more wrought with misery. Today’s parents face the difficulty of bringing up their kids in a world that didn’t exist just a few generations back. Here are five tips to help you raise strong, independent, brilliant children.

1. Feed them. Studies have proven that children of all ages and sizes need a form of nourishment to thrive. It’s a good idea to have some kind of age appropriate food source available for your growing children. I can hardly think of an easier way to bring about good success in childrearing than if you just feed your offspring.

2. Give them attention. It has been strongly suggested that children who get positive attention from their parents have a better chance of growing up to be healthy and well behaved adults than those who are locked away from human contact, or treated with consistent unkindness. Try holding your child right from birth, look at him or her when speaking and offer praise and kindness throughout their stay in your home.

3. Educate them. Schools are available at little or no cost for every child in the United States once the child reaches a certain age (contact your local school district for specific information pertaining to your area). Providing an education, either at a local elementary school or through home schooling can give your child tools necessary for becoming a contributing member of society.

4. Clothe them. Children fare better when they are not naked. Protecting their skin from the elements makes them more comfortable so they can focus their attention on learning and developing. It helps reduce the risk of humiliation, as well. You should also consider providing medical care in the form of immunizations and remedies for common illnesses. Keeping your child healthy improves the odds that they will reach adulthood and be stronger when they get there.

5. Value them. It may seem like a given, but there are people who need to be reminded that children are human beings and therefore are granted the same rights that all humans are given. If we love them, want them and treat them well, then they will grow up to be strong, independent and brilliant.

Putting it together.

In these crazy times where we hear horror stories about adult children still living at home, deadbeat kids who won’t get jobs and juvenile delinquency, child-rearing seems like a hopeless, helpless job. But, by using the tools above, you can greatly improve your chances of avoiding some of these bigger pitfalls.

——————–
So, what do you think? Am I ready for the “news you already knew but somebody needed a space-filler” lineup yet?

Bookmark to:
   

I was browsing around on the web and found a blurb about this guy. He’s called Mr. Positive. Apparently the man is a good neighbor and never says anything negative about anyone or anything. If you click on the trailer for this documentary, you will be graced with one of the corniest songs you will ever listen to one-quarter of before you’re humiliated at the mere thought of someone catching you listening to something so corny and you stop the trailer or turn off the volume. But, the images accompanying the horrible song are inspiring. He just seems like a very nice man. And yes, I do believe it’s genuine. Not Borat. Kind of hard to tell though, isn’t it?

What intrigued me is the whole idea. Do you think it’s possible to never say anything negative about anyone or anything? How long could you go without saying anything negative about anyone or anything? A day? A week? Is it even particularly healthy to never say anything negative? Maybe it’s the key to all bliss and universal harmony, or maybe it’s the key to a padded room in a very guarded hospital ward. I don’t know.

I know for myself, I worry that I’m too negative a lot of times. I’m entertained by other people making asses out of themselves. I find humor in the genuine stupidity of other people (to a point, I don’t like, laugh at retarded people or anything). I truly enjoy bitching about hard days. I fear sometimes that I’m just maybe not nice enough.

Are wit and bitchiness synonymous? Is this a world where the biggest cynic wins? Can an interesting story be told where everyone is nice and the day goes smoothly, or would that just be a waste of ink and paper? Tell the tales of the trees that died instead?

I remember when A Mighty Wind came out and my (much) older sister was telling me about it, reenacting some of the scenes. My sister was a hippie in the early 70’s, so these parodies were from bands she actually followed as a teen. I told her, “Aww, but Peter, Paul and Mary are nice people, see they wouldn’t make fun of other bands like that, so it’s kind of shitty to make fun of them like this, don’t you think?” She just burst out laughing and said, “That’s just because they’re too fucking stupid to think of making fun of other bands in the first place! It’s not that they’re too nice, it’s that they’re idiots!” This philosophy that believes the first person to injure proves they’re of higher intelligence was one I knew well. I ended up laughing all through the movie too when I finally saw it, and then felt bad about it. Because it was funny, but a little mean. Not like Spinal Tap, which was just funny. Those folkies just seem so defenseless! Or stupid.

In my family, cynicism ruled. Sarcasm was a crucial nutrient for our thickening skin. There was a very fine line between cutting humor and just old fashioned cruelty, but regardless of the line, we were expected to laugh at whatever was tossed at us. It wasn’t until I left home and spent time with other families that I came to understand that not everyone flung zingers at the dinner table while they drained the Rémy Martin bottle. Not everyone stopped an entire conversation to laugh at someone who mispronounced a word. Other families just had nice dinners with benign small talk. Of course, my family made fun of those families when they were out of sight, because my family had a more evolved intelligence and sense of humor.

So, as I plod along as an adult, writing my own moral map, keeping a finger on the pulse of my own conscience and how it fits in with the rest of the world, stories like this one grab me and shake me. I’m torn. On the one hand I have to admit that satire and sarcasm are brilliant and make me weep with the giggles. I do so enjoy a verbal sparring session (although I never got above lightweight status in my own family), and there is a sense of satisfaction when you efficiently sling words like they’re Ninja Stars. But, it isn’t very nice.

I walk the line with my own kids. Yes, we include them in nasty banter about other people, but it’s largely strangers that we sharpen our words on. I’ve never used my own children for exercise, nor have I used my husband. I also refrain from speaking critically of people the kids know (partly because they can’t be trusted not to repeat what I’ve said). That is, unless I’ve given up caring what that person thinks of me anyway and whatever was done is so irresistibly stupid the kids need to know that you just can’t get away with going around doing or saying that and have it not noticed and torn to shreds.

I think we all like the idea of having Mr. Positive as a neighbor, but would we really want him as a neighbor, or would we just make fun of him after he went home? Where is the line for the rest of the world? I may never aspire to be (or really want to aspire to be) like Mr. Positive, but I’d like to think that somewhere in my charcoal heart, there is a little ember of warmth that would keep him (and whoever sang that song about him) off of my radar of people whose feelings I bounce around for my own amusement.

Bookmark to: