Ah, the family Christmas tree, lifting our holiday spirits with all of its pine-y goodness:

It’s real, and it’s spectacular

What’s this? I haven’t seen that ornament before. Must be a handmade one that one of the kids brought home from school. It looks like it might be a dove, or perhaps a melted snowman that was tipped over by those neighborhood hooligans. Damn teenagers.

Let’s get a closer look. What the fuck?

That, my friends, is a half-eaten quesadilla carefully placed in the tree just so, right about here (holding hand out at the height of a certain weirdo four-year-old). And here we were calling Jamie-Lynn Spears white trash. Mr. Pot, I believe you know Mr. Kettle? Lou Dobbs has already blamed this circumstance on our lax immigration laws.

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