As a work at home dad — or GLAAD — I get to experience some of the abstract joys of parenthood, such as walking the kids to school on a sunny fall day. While it doesn’t always go according to plan with the 4th grader, as we all notoriously can’t get moving in the morning, I definitely make it a point to walk the scant quarter mile to my younger son’s preschool down the street for his afternoon class. My little effort to fight childhood obesity, and one look at me can attest that I could use the exercise as well.

Today, however, was different as it was our turn to bring snack. I had overcompensated by making 10 pounds of fruit salad so we drove instead. I dropped him off, handed the giant tray to his teacher (who gave me a multi-meaning, “Oh, uh, wow!”), and headed home to try and get some work done. After a while, I remembered I needed to go to the post office. I grabbed the mail, ran outside, and immediately felt a wave of panic. OUR CAR WAS GONE.

Oh, god, my baby! My sweet, sweet car, the first new one we’ve had in 6 years! Gone! Did I park it in the street for some reason? I ran into the front yard — not there. Repossessed? Sure, I was a few days late on the last payment, but that’s not worthy of the repo man. It must have been stolen! What brazen car thief would steal a car in the middle of the afternoon on a side street in a sleepy little suburb? I’VE BEEN VIOLATED! That’s when it hit me.

I had walked home from preschool, and left the car in the school parking lot.

So I guess I got my walk in to and from (er, from and to) school after all.

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Overheard at our house this morning:

“I don’t WANT to go to Montessori, I want to go to my OLD school.”

I’ll spare you the boring personal details as to why we transferred our son in the first place, and instead ask does anyone else here have a little one having a rough transition to a new school? How are you handling it?

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The benefits of preschool have been touted for a while now, from the social aspects to the teaching of fundamentals that parents can’t/don’t do. Now there’s another reason to kick their ass over to your local Kindercare in the morning — they won’t hold up the convenience store down the street when they’re older. As reported in the Daily Herald, yesterday a group of law enforcement officers in Kane County, Illinois — citing a study by the Child-Parent Centers in Chicago — stated that children who go to preschool are 70 percent less likely to be arrested before the age of 18 years old. The group is coming out to urge the Illinois legislature to put through a $69 million funding increase for early childhood education.

It all sounds good on paper, but it seems like there’s a causation/correlation issue here. Is it a lack of preschool that’s the problem, or the family situation that causes the kid not to be able to go in the first place? I think it’s safe to say that many of the parents don’t send their kids to preschool due to the simple fact that they can’t afford it. And kids from lower income families to tend commit street crime more often because of influences in their neighborhood or, sadly, because they think it’s their only option. Don’t you think that may be the reason for the increased numbers, not that they haven’t learned their ABCs by age 4?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m most certainly not down on preschool and I personally believe it’s a very good thing for a lot of kids. But what I am down on is pushing a political agenda for universal preschool using junk numbers and rhetoric. In a state that’s losing jobs by the thousands (and is sure to lose more with the Governor’s latest tax initiative), let’s focus on the core issues at hand instead and the rest will take care of itself.

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**WARNING: The following is intended as satire. I do not recommend sex education for toddlers or preschoolers, or really anyone under about 15 for that matter**

According to a recent study by Columbia University researchers, declines in teen pregnancy are linked to use of contraception, rather than abstinence among teenagers. While this obviously comes as a blow to the Bush Administration, I think it???‚¬?„?s a boon to those of us who believe that the more children know about sex, the earlier they know it, the better. While many would be reticent to admit it, most parents secretly believe sex and contraceptive education should begin as early as 6 weeks of age.

If you???‚¬?„?re anything like me, you frequently wrack your brains trying explain sex, reproduction and the importance of epidurals during childbirth to your young toddlers.

Luckily, there???‚¬?„?s now a resource for parents like us: Amamanta (olde englishe for ???‚¬?“look at my hoochie???‚¬??) sells educational dolls that are anatomically correct and ethnically diverse. At Amamanta the facts of life are presented with an unabashed under the microscope clarity and plainness that will leave your children stunned with the power of their new knowledge.
If your kids are anything like mine, they frequently pepper you with annoying sex related questions like, ???‚¬?“Mommy, what are orgasms????‚¬?? and ???‚¬?“Mommy, why are women so often unsatisfied sexually????‚¬??

It???‚¬?„?s exhausting.

With Amamanta, you can finally put your mind at ease. As an added bonus, these dolls can help get you around other knotty existential and philosophical questions, especially those asked during those precociously preoccupied with sex preschool years.

Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, does it hurt when a baby is born????‚¬??

A: ???‚¬?“No darling, not really.???‚¬??

Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, does size matter????‚¬??

A: ???‚¬?“In this case, dear, yes it does.???‚¬??

Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, when grandma and grandpa get old and die, what will happen to them????‚¬??

A: ???‚¬?“That depends. That really depends.???‚¬??

And remember, ???‚¬?“These cuddly cloth dolls are great for playtime and can also be used as sex education props when explaining the human reproductive cycle to boys and girls ages 3 to 9???‚¬?? [emphasis added].

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