parenting commandments - The Imperfect Blog

Filed under: General

I’m Serious About The Scrunchies

Posted March 12, 2008 at 6:50 pm by Maureen

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and came across about a million shirts from college that I no longer wear. Tangled up together in a rope-like mess, the mere wisps of fabric went straight into a garbage bag to be given to my nineteen year old sister. As I held up one low-cut, strappy tank top, my first thought was, “Didn’t I get cold?” but then I remembered it was college, and drinking six beers was usually enough insulation for the entire evening. Anyway, as I gathered the sparkly, strapless shirts which I no longer have any use for, I remembered my vow to be a “cool mom” when pregnant. Now, I might not wear bedazzled shirts anymore, but I do make an effort to brush my hair and put on makeup occasionally, which I consider accomplishments since having a seven-month old and working full-time seems to suck the energy from every proton in my body.

So, for those moms who wish to remain “hip,” I present my commandments:

I will not wear jeans that have a zipper longer than six inches and/or are tapered and end right at the ankle. Those qualify as Mom Jeans. (However, this does not mean you should dress like Britney Spears. Find the happy medium, people.)
I will not wear any kind of crocheted or appliquéd vest.
I will not wear plain white tennis shoes. (especially coupled with Mom Jeans)
I will not cut all my hair off while pregnant in preparation for the Blessed Event. Many women’s rationale is that they’ll need a simple hairstyle so as to avoid baby-food-crusted strands. What they don’t know? Is baby-food-crusted strands are much more attractive than that pseudo-mullet.
I will wear a bikini. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. However, we should all wear the stretch-marks and saggy skin as what they are: the battle scars of a war-weary general.
I will resist the urge to continually whip out pictures of my children. Yes, they’re cute. But trust me: NO ONE wants to see five million pictures of your child with farm animals at a pumpkin patch.
I will not feel guilty when leaving my spouse with the child(ren). You had to be pregnant and give birth, remember? I think a few hours of Dora and that weird show with the sock puppets is nothing compared to the dignity-erasing horrors of labor and delivery.
I will make an effort to remain educated and watch the news and read the newspaper and keep up on world news. The fact that Susie went poo-poo in the potty is not a current event.
I will not wear a scrunchy. I don’t care if it’s while working out or gardening or soaking in the tub. There is no asterisk for scrunchy-wearing. It’s a deal-breaker.
I will not care about being a “hip” mom. I’ll just try to make it through the day without falling asleep standing up