It’s been eight and a half months since my son was born. And I’m just now starting to get the hang of this whole parenting thing. The sleepless nights, sleep-walking days, endless baby food crusted everywhere and purse filled with baby bottles are now starting to become just another part of the routine, like brushing my teeth and putting in my contacts. But it seriously has taken over eight months to somewhat figure these things out. Seems like quite a large learning curve, huh?

When I was pregnant, I read all the requisite books on everything that was happening to my body, what would happen in labor, the right kind of crib to buy, the safest carseat, etc. While all those things are important, I wish I would’ve been WAY more informed on what it was like to actually have a new baby. A pre-natal program for soon-to-be-first-time-parents. Like bootcamp.

It wouldn’t even have to be that in-depth. Just a few, well-chosen seminars to help new parents learn the essential survival skills and build self-esteem. A kind of Outward Bound for expecting couples.

How do these classes sound?

One-Handed Eating 102: Learn to consume any food of your choosing using only one of your hands, as the other will be occupied by a screaming newborn.

Self-Restraint 306: Discover techniques to resist impulse purchases made while watching infomercials and the Home Shopping Channel at 3am while nursing your baby.

Flashcards 101: In this class, you will make notecards of important information such as your name, address, phone number, age and husband’s name to be used when your brain is in total meltdown mode because you’ve had four-and-a-half hours of sleep over two weeks.

Snapping 908A: Discover the secret of “snaps”–fifteen second zone-out “naps.” Learn how to utilize them while doing almost anything including showering, peeing and paying bills.

Speed-Packing 203: At the end of this class, you’ll be able to pack four bottles, a light-up keychain toy, a baggie of cheerios, your wallet, cell phone, diapers, wipes, diaper cream, antibacterial hand lotion and pacifier into a tiny handbag. Prerequisite: Preparing To Leave the House 105

Any takers?

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Dear Friend Who Just Had Her First Baby:

Welcome to parenthood! It’s a bitch, but I already warned you about that one, didn’t I?

Oh, that’s right…you didn’t listen.

You refused to believe my prognostications about stocking up on coffee, wine and Valium to get through the first six weeks.

You were convinced you’d be a “natural” mom and your child would be an “angel baby.” Well, after our conversation last night discussing why your baby wouldn’t stop “fucking crying” (your words), let me be the first to say, “TOLD. YOU. SO.”

Seven weeks ago, you brushed off any suggestions or tips I so eagerly offered. You waved your hand when I shared my coping mechanisms for quieting a child with colic. I believe your eyes may have even rolled your eyes when I told you about the wonders of a swaddle blanket, white noise machine and swing.

I offered you a canteen of water before you even set foot in the desert, which you refused. Now, gasping for breath and dying of thirst, you beg me for a drop to drink.

I wasn’t sure if it would come to this. Especially when your child was two days old and you said, “He just loves to sleep! He only woke up once to eat last night!”

I began to secretly question my experience as a mother: “Did I just end up with a really crabby kid? Why isn’t her child screaming his head off like mine did for eight weeks straight?”

Then, last night. Your phone call.

Your baby finally woke out of his “newborn daze” and announced his presence to the world with two solid hours of crying.

Welcome to hell. Look around, get used to the surroundings. You’re going to be here for awhile. It’s OK though, you’ll have lots of company. It’s like a sorority. A sorority of pain.

Just because I’m nice, I’ll give you one last tip: Hit up the local liquor store and join their wine club. We earned so many points during our son’s first few months, we’re now platinum members and receive a gift certificate every month. (Which really, really helps once you move into Teething Hell.)

Sincerely,

Your Friend Who Actually Knows A Few Things

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