On the auspicious ocassion of this Father’s Day I think it only fitting to bring up a rather touchy subject. What’s a day that’s all about family without bringing up something sure to piss nearly everyone off anyway?

Recently, I have begun to branch out in my daily newspaper reading. Now that I have discovered the birth announcements, I am no longer confined to the police blotter to keep up with the myriad ways humans can commit crimes against the innocent. When it comes to giving children outlandish names designed to say (about the parents, mind you) “look at ME” I really do think there ought to be a law.

Don’t believe me? Just read your local paper’s birth announcements. There you will see for yourself that there really are people who name their children “Alltruism” and “Hayllheigh.”

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A select group of parents around the country are deciding, in effort to be the trendiest and most creative suburban, mini-van driving, non-descript baby naming artists of the world —  that they’ll just change their child’s name if their child’s name isn’t found to be cool enough.

What a bunch of arseholes. That’s all I have to say.

In her first few years, 6-year-old Sophie Sauber’s parents, Rob Sauber and Suzanne Ramljak, of Connecticut, were overwhelmed by the number of Sophies they encountered daily. Four out of 13 kids in their daughter’s preschool class were named Sophie, and other parents were constantly yelling it at the mall. When Sophie was almost 4, they asked how she’d feel about being called Isadora, a name they’d considered before she was born.

“She understood our reasoning and liked the name. We weren’t going to force her,” says Ramljak. One day, after a trial period of a couple of months, she introduced herself as Isadora. “It was like, ‘That’s her name now!’”

Noting that by 12 months children already recognize the sound of their names, Dr. Karla Umpierre, a Miami psychologist and family counselor, encourages parents to get the child’s input and approval if they decide to change the name after age 2. “It’s best to change the name before then, because by 2 or 3 they have a sense of identity, and it could send mixed messages. The child might ask himself, ‘Do you want to change me?’”

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