Okay, this is why the terrorists hate us…

A recently published book teaches children how to cope with their mommies surgical makeovers. This is not a joke, it’s a children’s book written by a plastic surgeon who wants children to appreciate their mother’s need and the importance of having a perfect nose and looking good.

For more on this soon to be children’s literary classic, “My Beautiful Mommy” by Dr. Michael Salzhauer:

That’s exactly the question Salzhauer’s book tries to answer, chronicling the journey of a mother and her child as they visit the fictional office of the fictional, strapping “Dr. Michael” for cosmetic surgery.

“Why are you going to look different?” asks the daughter of her mother in the car ride back from the doctor’s office.

“Not just different, my dear — prettier!” exclaims the mother.

Now we just need a children’s book that explains why mommy won’t mingle with those who drive Hyundais, shop at Walmart and buy knockoff Crocs.

Bookmark to:
    

And apparently we need to lose some weight.

I finally saw one of the Queen Latifah commercials for Jenny Craig. I’d been bracing myself for them, because I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I was tempted to jump out of my seat and shout, “TRAITOR BITCH!” at the television and then shove a forkful of cheesecake in my mouth in a really pissed-off way for emphasis. She is The Queen. The final word on living large and looking good while doing it. She’s smart, funny, articulate, down-to-earth and dripping with glamour. It would be hard to watch her turn skinny on us. Our heroine, melting away. If our leader of the fat girls is bailing, then who do we have left? Mo’Nique? I’m sorry but she’s the anti-model for the overweight. She doesn’t make you stop and say, “Hell yeah, I’ll have another margarita.” She makes you kind of want to go purge the margarita you’ve already drunk and then go jog around the block. Not really the picture of health to me. So, who then? Emme? She’s too QVC to take seriously. So, it’s back to The Queen.

When she told us that it was OK to embrace our curves and be who we are, we listened and applauded and stuffed our breasts into her Curvation Limited Edition bras for the cure. Now she’s telling us we need to lose some weight and get healthy and I for one am skeptical of her method, but listening to the message.

Her commercials have a different slant (as I’m sure you’ve heard), touting a healthy lifestyle rather than the aesthetics of weight loss. I’m all for that. But, when I did Jenny Craig after the birth of my second child, their food was loaded with preservatives and artificial sweeteners. Back then, cooking wasn’t an option on the JC program. You bought their pre-packaged food and ate it at their intervals (supplementing with your own salad greens and their dressing) or you drank their meal replacement shakes and supplemented with your salad greens (and their dressing). Then when you met your goal, they smiled, handed you a cookbook and sent you home to fend for yourself. If I were doing Jenny Craig commercials, it would have worked to sell people on a different weight loss program. Now here I am cooking this delicious meal of baked salmon, butter and herb couscous, and tossed salad with home-made vinaigrette for my family, and lookie! I get to eat something called “Cookout Style Chicken & Beans” that I just pop into the microwave. In other words, I didn’t find Jenny Craig to be compatible with the life I was leading. I did lose weight on it, though, I cannot deny that.

The truth is, I’ve been plotting my own lifestyle changes. This has been a scheme underway for quite some time. I just needed the right time to commit to it, and that time was approaching quickly anyway.

In the past three or so years I: got pregnant, had a c-section, found out my belly was torn to shreds by that baby and left me with THREE abdominal hernias, had them repaired, ripped the mesh out of one of them, had that repaired, and then was on paxil for two months after my mother died which led to another 7 pound weight gain added onto that pregnancy weight I never lost to begin with. I am coming up on one year after that last operation. The one year mark is really important because it means I am 100% healed. I plan on seeing my doctor the first week in April before I proceed with my plans, just to make completely sure that everything is healed.

If I get the green light, then I will be enrolling back in tae kwon do. That’s my exercise goal. Go to tae kwon do and work through the belts. Lots of short-term goals in there, but my long-term goal will be that coveted belt noir that I almost earned seven years ago, but then had to move. If I can’t do tae kwon do, then I will need to find another exercise outlet. Maybe yoga. Maybe Curves. I don’t know yet.

My first weight loss goal is to get down to my pre-paxil weight. My second will be to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s a total of 15 pounds. I’ll reassess after that. Keep in mind that I’m not The Queen. There will be no truth or honesty here. Don’t expect any real numbers or photos posted to document my progress. I’m not planning on keeping you all updated on this, unless some funny or shocking stories happen along the way. I’m just a chicken-shit with a pasty white blubber belly behind a Powerbook, after all. I do not want to be a MILF, but rather a “Mother I’d Like to Ride a Bike With,” or maybe a “Mother I’m Not Embarrassed to Be Seen at the Beach With.”

So, Your Majesty, you asked us in the fatty bourgeois to follow you in your quest for better health and a lower BMI and I will. If you’ve determined it’s the time to put down the fork and lace up our walking shoes, then I’m with you. But, I’m doing it differently, because, slap me for saying this, I think the whole Jenny Craig thing is a gimmick, one that will eventually come back to bite you in your shrinking ass later on. A year down the road, we’ll be graced with unflattering photos of you across the tabloids, with captions screaming of your OUT OF CONTROL WEIGHT GAIN! And asking what happened. You’ve kept the media at bay about your weight all this time with your self-confidence and unwavering talent, but once you let them in they’ll never leave. This, Your Highness, is opening the castle doors wide, bridging the moat and rolling out the red carpet for them. This is a mistake you’ll only recognize later.

I’m staging my own better health revolution and the masses consist of only me. I will meet my goals, but without aspartame-laden beverages and desserts. Without $10 chicken and noodle casseroles that somehow don’t need refrigeration and contain nary a recognizable ingredient on the side of the box (Eeew! On what planet exactly is that healthy?), and I will start right after Easter.

Bookmark to:
    

Long time — no ’see’. I have been busy with a new job and positive changes to my life. I’m sure the burning question regarding moi is whether or not I have fallen off the Weight Watchers Wagon™.

Truthfully, its yes and no.

Yes (I have fallen off the wagon), in the fact that I no longer spend as much of my free time on Weight Watchers online and I don’t even feel guilty about it! Conversely, I feel empowered by the choices I’ have learned to make through exercise and eating right. Ultimately, it is a mentality and state of mind. It’s about being healthy, not about looking like the next super model.

Looking better is merely a side effect of being in tune with what you put into your body and caring about your overall health. Of course, it took me wanting to look good to get to this point of food maturity, but feeling good, feeling healthy, having more energy gives me a basic feeling of reward and motivation and what has continued to sustain me.

No (I haven’t fallen off the wagon). I am no longer on a band wagon. I am just making better choices; about food, about life, about personal growth.

Now, lest I sound like Shirley McClain on steroids, this is the first time in my life, or at least since I’ve had children that I’ve felt in control of destiny. I’m sure it’s a combination of chaos falling neatly into place, but it is also because I can now wear clothing that has been locked away for several years. Lucky for me, I have NOT fallen victim to the “Brussels sprouts and carrot juice” diet. I’m simply at a point where I don’t have to count my calories anymore. I damn well know that if I have been good all week, that the occasional donut or two on the weekend isn’t going to hurt me, likewise, if I’ve been falling victim to the ‘buffet of sins’ at my office, I will skip the donuts on the weekend.

Fairly easy stuff. It only takes a moment of thought to gain control again. I am just too old to not care anymore. I want to be around for my children when they graduate high school and I want to have the energy and stamina to keep up with their young journey.

To health and wellness!

Bookmark to:
    

Okay, this is gonna be short and sweet this week because I have a lot going on and I’m really, really hungry this week. My body is definitely going into some sort of weird deprivation shock and not liking it, plus I was sick last week and didn’t exercise — again. Can’t it just hover above arctic temperatures long enough to allow me to get well? Is that too much to ask? Can I have some global warming love here in Chi-town?

I lost another 2 lbs. in spite of my misery.

My “diet” food pick of the week is only 1 points and it is a little zinger-like, slice of heaven. The lemon ones rule. I don’t normally like lemon, but it’s a love-fest between me and those 1 point miracles. The carrot cake is really good too, but a tiny bit dry. The chocolate tastes like ass. Stay away from the chocolate.

We’ve been getting them at Target and the local grocery when they’re not sold out. Stock up if you find ‘em. They’ve been catching on. So buy some. Today.

[Ed. note: I think it's worth pointing out in this era of "pay per post" that Jessica's opinions and suggestions are sincere -- while she was provided a Weight Watchers membership for review purposes, no compensation has been received or offered.]

Bookmark to:
    

In an effort to set the feminist movement back a hundred years, a strange Botox triangle aims to destroy the spirit of MILFs (muthas I’d like to %$#@) which includes the tutor of Pierce Brosnan’s children, the television pilot for “The Hottest Mom in America” and the pharmaceutical company that sponsors the Botox competition. Apparently, the business of vanity and mammas = law suits. The former celebrity brat tutor is Jessica Denay, who has founded www.hotmomsclub.com (and here I thought she stole the idea from us!) and wrote the book, “The Hot Mom’s handbook: Mom’s Have more Fun!”. She’s whoring branching out from celebrity endorsements to radio and TV shows (who would have ever guessed!). She’s trying to trademark the term, “Hot Mom” and “Hot Moms Club” and feels the show cheapens her branding. (I don’t think it’s the show actually.)

How do you trademark “hot mom” anyway? Does that mean nobody can ever write that again? I never got that…

So, hot moms are suing each other. I hope that it all results in a bunch of bitch slapping, cat fights and girls and men running like girls. Man, MILFs have really sold out.

“Hottest Mom in America” Audition

Bookmark to:
    

The last thing you want to hear from an old friend when you’ve run into them on the streets is, “Uh, wow, you look so different, you look (and with all the fake sincerity one can muster) good.” In case you’re of the naive variety, that’s code for “Wow, you’re so fat and old looking now.” With any luck, your “friend” will also be fat and old looking and you can say with real sincerity, “Same to you.”

Sure, there are those moms that can squeeze out four tyrants and volunteer for every school committee known to man, yet still look as though they should be carded while buying wine and still be able fit into their high school jeans (which might even be back in style!), but then there are those who try as they might (like me) always seem to feel they need to lose a little and sigh with each new wrinkle. 

You know whenever I hear a celebrity talk about how much they love turning 40 or 50 and how wise they’ve become and how proud they are of their wrinkles, I shout out loud, “Liar. LIAR!!” They’re liars. Full of dog squeeze.

So why does anyone care? Shouldn’t motherhood be all the badge of honor we need? If you think so, you’re a better person than I because I don’t want to be that person that let themselves go after I had kids. I dedicate so much for my kids, put their lives before mine, give up a kidney in a nano-second for them, but one of the last things I have left is my own, unique, personal style and enjoyment of style. As the only woman in this testosterone laden house, it’s my way of holding on to my femininity and owning something that is all mine. I want it for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone giving this up willingly, so why do they?

Jill Hudson from The Washington Post’s, “Still Me” tells her story in her new column about how moms can stay hip after they’ve forgotten about somebody — themselves:

The idea for this column came earlier this year, a few weeks prior to my 37th birthday. While picking up my kids from pre-school, I caught sight of myself in the reflection of a car window. Staring back was a sleepy woman in a Mommy Uniform: nerdy glasses, no makeup, paint-splattered nurse clogs, saggy jeans and messy hair (”paging Clairol — stat!”). But the ensemble was only a symptom of the real problem. I realized that I hadn’t read a newspaper — my own newspaper, the one that pays my mortgage — or watched the TV news in over a week. I could, however, quote entire pages of dialogue from Disney’s “The Incredibles” and sing the theme songs of every single show appearing between 8 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. on the Noggin cable network.

Jill goes onto tell what Miriam Arond, editor-in-Chief of Child Magazine said about moms who want to be stylish today. (On this site, we call ‘em MILFs of course):

Arond says she’s seen a real shift in the last six to 10 years in how modern women value their mental, physical and social well-being vis-à-vis motherhood. “Parents years ago felt like they were being selfish if they focused on themselves as much as their kids,” she adds. “Now you see that moms are much more open about the fact that they start resenting their kids, their husbands, their work, if they don’t take time out for themselves.

“There’s a stronger feeling of not wanting to give up that part of themselves that they knew before they became moms,” she says.

You don’t have to wear the latest trends or buy expensive accessories. I think all you have to do is care about yourself. Ultimately, I think that shows through no matter what you’re wearing or what shape you’re in.

Bookmark to:
    

Please don’t think that I have low self-esteem if I say, it sure as hell isn’t me!

However, there are many moms out there vying for the cheesy title.

Last week, in Miami, a slew of mothers waited in line in hopes of being awarded the “Hottest Mom in America” title. Winners receive cash prizes and a dream. A pipe dream.

Now, I’m not knockin’ it, because I support moms who take care of themselves and refuse to give up their sexiness in lieu of motherhood, but some of these chicks look as if they’re trying a little too hard to stay young. You can look sexy and beautiful without having to look all skank-like. (Can I say that without feminists holding signs on my front lawn?). Auditions continue around the country for all of you who think you’re the shizzy-mizzy MILF.

From the Miami Herald, photo by Ronna Gradus. Hottest Mom Audition, Miami, FL.

Now this mother/daughter pair takes me back to that 1970s/80’s commercial about who had the younger hands. One is 17, the other 47. It took me a second to decide. You have to admit, this chick is a pretty hot mama:

Read more about Hot Moms, go to The Miami Herald:

Local moms compete for ‘Hot’ title A gaggle of gorgeous moms from across South Florida lined up in Miami Beach for a chance at cash prizes, a modeling agency interview and the title of ‘Hottest Mom in America.’
BY LAURA MORALES

At 5 a.m., when many partygoers are going home from clubland, a bunch of fair ladies began lining up Saturday outside an empty Miami Beach theater with no velvet rope and no bouncer.

Some wore classy, elegant dresses, while others looked set to embrace a brass pole. There were naturally pneumatic stunners and others who obviously had had some, ahem, surgical assistance.

But they all shared one sultry goal: to become the Hottest Mom in America — and earn some cash for themselves and their kids.

Bookmark to:
    

Two MILF posts in one week? My head is going to explode!

Today, we talk about hair. Oh, yeah.

What’s up with hair this fall, you ask? Soft, loose curls and variations of the bob. The bob? Why, of course–the bob!! I love the bob. I might have to pick one up this weekend.

From www.galvesrondailynews.com:

By Senée Seale
The Daily News  

Published August 20, 2006

Get ready for glam hair and makeup this season. With a return to more feminine fashion comes big waves and sleek girly styles for hair.

“You’re going to see kind of the resurgence of the ’80s with a touch of ’60s mixed with it,” said Lulu Benavidez, owner of Lulu’s in Galveston. “When you look at hair for the season, it fits in with what fashion’s doing.”

Softness is the key.

“We’re seeing a lot of really softer styles because the fashions are so busy,” said Pat Waldron, owner of The Salon at Park Avenue Station in League City.

Soft curls showcase long hair, while short hair is being cut into many variations of the classic bob.

“There’s not any one length. It seems to be all lengths,” Waldron said.

Board straight hair has been replaced with loose waves, Farrah Fawcett style.

“It’s still long layers, but instead of wings, it’s softer and curled with a curling iron,” Benavidez said.

The ’60s influence comes in with fullness on top. That can be created with large Velcro rollers, Benavidez said.

I just read somewhere that 66% of women color their hair. I had these blonde streaks put in my hair a few years ago — huge, thick, platinum blonde streaks (remember that Kelly Clarkson look?) and now I am forced to color my hair to cover it up. Since my hair is long, I’m stuck with this large, extraneous expense. Thinking I’ve seen my hairdresser do this enough times to learn how to do it, I took a risk and bought three different shades of red dye at Target last week and did it myself. To be honest, it really doesn’t look that different than my supposed “professional’s” dye-job.

Do tell, do you and how much are you forkin’ over for it?

This fall and winter, dramatic hair color contrast is in, as well as vibrant shades:

Color plays a huge role in hair trends this season.

“You’re going to see vanilla blondes with pastel overtones — very soft flecks of violet and pink,” Benavidez said.

Browns will be in rich tones of mocha and chocolate brown, while reds will be vibrant.

One-toned color is also a thing of the past.

“You see a lot of multi-dimensional styles. There’s a lot of dark with the blonde streaks,” said Tina Campbell, coordinator at The Salon at Park Avenue Station.

Waldron said natural tones are also big this season to make you look like you’ve spent a lot of time in the sun.

Consumers are buying a lot of hair coloring and styling products. Industry leaders think fashion has a part to play in this.

Bookmark to:
    

Part of what makes you a MILF is the desire to look good on Tuesdays!

I know a lot of women have a thing for shoes, I prefer purses. Don’t get me wrong, I love shoes too, but since my budget usually requires me to choose one over another, it’s the adorable bag that gets to take advantage of a rare, available line of credit. So, clutch your handbags and giggle, here’s what’s new for fall and best of all, the following article gives you tips on how to find the reasonably priced alternatives (think Target ladies). From www.cbsnews.com:

On The Early Show Tuesday, style expert Rachel Zalis suggested several, and many of them aren’t expensive. She also filled in viewers on the latest trends and offered tips.

Handbags are great accessories that easily add style to your outfits.

Zalis had bags typical of the four big trends: leopard, bags with hardware, silver and frame bags.

TIPS

-Bags can be bigger by day, smaller by night

-We’re seeing less of the oversize slouchy bags (think Olsen twins) and more structured, satchels and bags

-Bags should complement outfits, not compete

-Don’t over-accessorize. Find one or two pieces to add to an outfit (never more than three)

-Bags don’t have to match shoes; they can make for a cool, chic look to mix it up Read the rest…

In short, leopard, glam-rock, silver and frame bags are in. They didn’t mention the clutch handbag, which is going to be crazy popular this year, so thank God you have me because that would have been a close one!

Chop-chop ladies. So many handbags, so little time…

Bookmark to:
    

 It’s MILF Tuesday!

In case you’ve been spending too much time with mothers that have given up on being trendy and too much time around babies who don’t know any better, here’s a news flash for you: The 80s are back! As moms, we can work around the leggings that are best left to the junior classmen, we need to take that 80s look and make it sophisticated enough to work with the badge of honor that is Mom.

Let’s start with your make-up. The 80s make-up. Surely, you can find that new waver inside of you and bring it all back in an updated sort of way. From the Rockford Register Star:

’80s trends back on makeup scene, too
By Mari Roseman
SPECIAL TO THE REGISTER STARWhile some of us may find the return of ’80s leggings, oversized shirts and flats unsettling, we can take comfort in the makeup of the season.One predominant look, which not surprisingly takes its cues from the same period, is inspired by the 1980s rocker. But have no fear: This time around the makeup, while still bold, is softer, more toned-down and more blended than it was two decades ago.

The Dark Diva look is derived from the excess of the ’80s and shrugs off the standard “play up the lips OR the eyes” beauty adviser mantra in favor of dramatic eyes AND lips. This look features dark, smoky eyes contrasted by matte red lips.

You might be asking yourself where the comfort is in all this. It’s in the softness. The eyes are softly smoked, cheeks are delicately chiseled with blush, and the red lips carry a softer red (but don’t throw away that bold, dramatic red yet; use it this season with a neutral face).

How to get the look:

Face: Start with a full-coverage foundation, apply concealer as needed, and use a finishing powder to set the foundation (this will make your foundation last longer).

Cheeks: Apply a soft, natural pink blush up the cheekbone, starting from the apple of the cheek through the temple, and blend thoroughly.

Eyes: Apply a soft, neutral brown to the lid; a dark, muted blue-gray shadow in the crease and to the outer corner of the eye; and a very light, muted neutral lilac under the brow bone. Line the eyes all the way around with a soft navy liner, and smudge to soften the line. Finish with a full coat of mascara on the top and bottom lashes.

Lips: Line with a color that is as close as possible to your lipstick shade. Apply a soft, red matte lipstick to complete your look.

Bookmark to: