Okay, this is why the terrorists hate us…

A recently published book teaches children how to cope with their mommies surgical makeovers. This is not a joke, it’s a children’s book written by a plastic surgeon who wants children to appreciate their mother’s need and the importance of having a perfect nose and looking good.

For more on this soon to be children’s literary classic, “My Beautiful Mommy” by Dr. Michael Salzhauer:

That’s exactly the question Salzhauer’s book tries to answer, chronicling the journey of a mother and her child as they visit the fictional office of the fictional, strapping “Dr. Michael” for cosmetic surgery.

“Why are you going to look different?” asks the daughter of her mother in the car ride back from the doctor’s office.

“Not just different, my dear — prettier!” exclaims the mother.

Now we just need a children’s book that explains why mommy won’t mingle with those who drive Hyundais, shop at Walmart and buy knockoff Crocs.

And apparently we need to lose some weight.

I finally saw one of the Queen Latifah commercials for Jenny Craig. I’d been bracing myself for them, because I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I was tempted to jump out of my seat and shout, “TRAITOR BITCH!” at the television and then shove a forkful of cheesecake in my mouth in a really pissed-off way for emphasis. She is The Queen. The final word on living large and looking good while doing it. She’s smart, funny, articulate, down-to-earth and dripping with glamour. It would be hard to watch her turn skinny on us. Our heroine, melting away. If our leader of the fat girls is bailing, then who do we have left? Mo’Nique? I’m sorry but she’s the anti-model for the overweight. She doesn’t make you stop and say, “Hell yeah, I’ll have another margarita.” She makes you kind of want to go purge the margarita you’ve already drunk and then go jog around the block. Not really the picture of health to me. So, who then? Emme? She’s too QVC to take seriously. So, it’s back to The Queen.

When she told us that it was OK to embrace our curves and be who we are, we listened and applauded and stuffed our breasts into her Curvation Limited Edition bras for the cure. Now she’s telling us we need to lose some weight and get healthy and I for one am skeptical of her method, but listening to the message.

Her commercials have a different slant (as I’m sure you’ve heard), touting a healthy lifestyle rather than the aesthetics of weight loss. I’m all for that. But, when I did Jenny Craig after the birth of my second child, their food was loaded with preservatives and artificial sweeteners. Back then, cooking wasn’t an option on the JC program. You bought their pre-packaged food and ate it at their intervals (supplementing with your own salad greens and their dressing) or you drank their meal replacement shakes and supplemented with your salad greens (and their dressing). Then when you met your goal, they smiled, handed you a cookbook and sent you home to fend for yourself. If I were doing Jenny Craig commercials, it would have worked to sell people on a different weight loss program. Now here I am cooking this delicious meal of baked salmon, butter and herb couscous, and tossed salad with home-made vinaigrette for my family, and lookie! I get to eat something called “Cookout Style Chicken & Beans” that I just pop into the microwave. In other words, I didn’t find Jenny Craig to be compatible with the life I was leading. I did lose weight on it, though, I cannot deny that.

The truth is, I’ve been plotting my own lifestyle changes. This has been a scheme underway for quite some time. I just needed the right time to commit to it, and that time was approaching quickly anyway.

In the past three or so years I: got pregnant, had a c-section, found out my belly was torn to shreds by that baby and left me with THREE abdominal hernias, had them repaired, ripped the mesh out of one of them, had that repaired, and then was on paxil for two months after my mother died which led to another 7 pound weight gain added onto that pregnancy weight I never lost to begin with. I am coming up on one year after that last operation. The one year mark is really important because it means I am 100% healed. I plan on seeing my doctor the first week in April before I proceed with my plans, just to make completely sure that everything is healed.

If I get the green light, then I will be enrolling back in tae kwon do. That’s my exercise goal. Go to tae kwon do and work through the belts. Lots of short-term goals in there, but my long-term goal will be that coveted belt noir that I almost earned seven years ago, but then had to move. If I can’t do tae kwon do, then I will need to find another exercise outlet. Maybe yoga. Maybe Curves. I don’t know yet.

My first weight loss goal is to get down to my pre-paxil weight. My second will be to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s a total of 15 pounds. I’ll reassess after that. Keep in mind that I’m not The Queen. There will be no truth or honesty here. Don’t expect any real numbers or photos posted to document my progress. I’m not planning on keeping you all updated on this, unless some funny or shocking stories happen along the way. I’m just a chicken-shit with a pasty white blubber belly behind a Powerbook, after all. I do not want to be a MILF, but rather a “Mother I’d Like to Ride a Bike With,” or maybe a “Mother I’m Not Embarrassed to Be Seen at the Beach With.”

So, Your Majesty, you asked us in the fatty bourgeois to follow you in your quest for better health and a lower BMI and I will. If you’ve determined it’s the time to put down the fork and lace up our walking shoes, then I’m with you. But, I’m doing it differently, because, slap me for saying this, I think the whole Jenny Craig thing is a gimmick, one that will eventually come back to bite you in your shrinking ass later on. A year down the road, we’ll be graced with unflattering photos of you across the tabloids, with captions screaming of your OUT OF CONTROL WEIGHT GAIN! And asking what happened. You’ve kept the media at bay about your weight all this time with your self-confidence and unwavering talent, but once you let them in they’ll never leave. This, Your Highness, is opening the castle doors wide, bridging the moat and rolling out the red carpet for them. This is a mistake you’ll only recognize later.

I’m staging my own better health revolution and the masses consist of only me. I will meet my goals, but without aspartame-laden beverages and desserts. Without $10 chicken and noodle casseroles that somehow don’t need refrigeration and contain nary a recognizable ingredient on the side of the box (Eeew! On what planet exactly is that healthy?), and I will start right after Easter.

In an effort to set the feminist movement back a hundred years, a strange Botox triangle aims to destroy the spirit of MILFs (muthas I’d like to %$#@) which includes the tutor of Pierce Brosnan’s children, the television pilot for “The Hottest Mom in America” and the pharmaceutical company that sponsors the Botox competition. Apparently, the business of vanity and mammas = law suits. The former celebrity brat tutor is Jessica Denay, who has founded www.hotmomsclub.com (and here I thought she stole the idea from us!) and wrote the book, “The Hot Mom’s handbook: Mom’s Have more Fun!”. She’s whoring branching out from celebrity endorsements to radio and TV shows (who would have ever guessed!). She’s trying to trademark the term, “Hot Mom” and “Hot Moms Club” and feels the show cheapens her branding. (I don’t think it’s the show actually.)

How do you trademark “hot mom” anyway? Does that mean nobody can ever write that again? I never got that…

So, hot moms are suing each other. I hope that it all results in a bunch of bitch slapping, cat fights and girls and men running like girls. Man, MILFs have really sold out.

“Hottest Mom in America” Audition

Please don’t think that I have low self-esteem if I say, it sure as hell isn’t me!

However, there are many moms out there vying for the cheesy title.

Last week, in Miami, a slew of mothers waited in line in hopes of being awarded the “Hottest Mom in America” title. Winners receive cash prizes and a dream. A pipe dream.

Now, I’m not knockin’ it, because I support moms who take care of themselves and refuse to give up their sexiness in lieu of motherhood, but some of these chicks look as if they’re trying a little too hard to stay young. You can look sexy and beautiful without having to look all skank-like. (Can I say that without feminists holding signs on my front lawn?). Auditions continue around the country for all of you who think you’re the shizzy-mizzy MILF.

From the Miami Herald, photo by Ronna Gradus. Hottest Mom Audition, Miami, FL.

Now this mother/daughter pair takes me back to that 1970s/80’s commercial about who had the younger hands. One is 17, the other 47. It took me a second to decide. You have to admit, this chick is a pretty hot mama:

Read more about Hot Moms, go to The Miami Herald:

Local moms compete for ‘Hot’ title A gaggle of gorgeous moms from across South Florida lined up in Miami Beach for a chance at cash prizes, a modeling agency interview and the title of ‘Hottest Mom in America.’
BY LAURA MORALES

At 5 a.m., when many partygoers are going home from clubland, a bunch of fair ladies began lining up Saturday outside an empty Miami Beach theater with no velvet rope and no bouncer.

Some wore classy, elegant dresses, while others looked set to embrace a brass pole. There were naturally pneumatic stunners and others who obviously had had some, ahem, surgical assistance.

But they all shared one sultry goal: to become the Hottest Mom in America — and earn some cash for themselves and their kids.

Two MILF posts in one week? My head is going to explode!

Today, we talk about hair. Oh, yeah.

What’s up with hair this fall, you ask? Soft, loose curls and variations of the bob. The bob? Why, of course–the bob!! I love the bob. I might have to pick one up this weekend.

From www.galvesrondailynews.com:

By Senée Seale
The Daily News  

Published August 20, 2006

Get ready for glam hair and makeup this season. With a return to more feminine fashion comes big waves and sleek girly styles for hair.

“You’re going to see kind of the resurgence of the ’80s with a touch of ’60s mixed with it,” said Lulu Benavidez, owner of Lulu’s in Galveston. “When you look at hair for the season, it fits in with what fashion’s doing.”

Softness is the key.

“We’re seeing a lot of really softer styles because the fashions are so busy,” said Pat Waldron, owner of The Salon at Park Avenue Station in League City.

Soft curls showcase long hair, while short hair is being cut into many variations of the classic bob.

“There’s not any one length. It seems to be all lengths,” Waldron said.

Board straight hair has been replaced with loose waves, Farrah Fawcett style.

“It’s still long layers, but instead of wings, it’s softer and curled with a curling iron,” Benavidez said.

The ’60s influence comes in with fullness on top. That can be created with large Velcro rollers, Benavidez said.

I just read somewhere that 66% of women color their hair. I had these blonde streaks put in my hair a few years ago — huge, thick, platinum blonde streaks (remember that Kelly Clarkson look?) and now I am forced to color my hair to cover it up. Since my hair is long, I’m stuck with this large, extraneous expense. Thinking I’ve seen my hairdresser do this enough times to learn how to do it, I took a risk and bought three different shades of red dye at Target last week and did it myself. To be honest, it really doesn’t look that different than my supposed “professional’s” dye-job.

Do tell, do you and how much are you forkin’ over for it?

This fall and winter, dramatic hair color contrast is in, as well as vibrant shades:

Color plays a huge role in hair trends this season.

“You’re going to see vanilla blondes with pastel overtones — very soft flecks of violet and pink,” Benavidez said.

Browns will be in rich tones of mocha and chocolate brown, while reds will be vibrant.

One-toned color is also a thing of the past.

“You see a lot of multi-dimensional styles. There’s a lot of dark with the blonde streaks,” said Tina Campbell, coordinator at The Salon at Park Avenue Station.

Waldron said natural tones are also big this season to make you look like you’ve spent a lot of time in the sun.

Consumers are buying a lot of hair coloring and styling products. Industry leaders think fashion has a part to play in this.