You know who’s out to get us? The people who design clothing. Their attacks against America aren’t as overt as bombing our buildings or releasing Anthrax in the subway system. Their methods are slower and even more sinister. They intend to quietly drive us insane over time, and make us go around looking really bad as we slip into the abyss.

It starts when we’re little. Yeah, true, this tactic of mental ruination is most effective on the adults dressing the infants. But, they know, those clothing designers, that when parents are frustrated and scowling, it just smothers the spirits of the infants whose limbs are being stuffed into the cotton blend contraptions all hours of the day and night. So, the babies suffer, too. This has been long recognized and acknowledged on the McSweeny site, in the epic classic Open Letter to the Manufacturers of Infant Sleepwear.

Then the infant ages into toddler-hood, a little less of a person than she was before the baby suit snaps got to her mother and made her head jerk and her eyes twitch. Now, the child gets to wear rhinestone-edged halter tops and stretchy pants that say JUICY across the ass while she stumbles around the playground. If a diaper bulge is apparent, then that logo takes on a whole new meaning. The child’s mother maybe would have preferred something less adult for her toddling wee one, but that little window of time back in January when the stores were selling children’s summer clothing came and went. She hadn’t bought anything then because she was a new mother and unaware of how to calculate what size her child might be in six months and purchase accordingly. So, she bought these horrible things out of desperation. See? clothing designers at work. They control the whole market, manipulating our sanity from every angle.

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