I had my first mammogram yesterday. After it was done, I pondered things that would have been much more pleasant…chewing glass…having a toe amputated…sticking a needle in my eye….eating goose poop. The thoughts flowed through my head as I winced and said, “Ow. Ow. Ow.”

The nurse was nice enough to prep me, she said, “You know a lot of women complain about how painful this test is, but I think you’ll find that it isn’t as bad as everyone says.”

“Thanks a lot,” I thought to myself, “I hadn’t actually heard that, but thanks for making the 45 minute wait that much sweeter.”

First of all, it’s awkward, because you have this woman man-handling your breasts and she pulls them and stretches them every which way. I’ve heard women tell me it’s worse when you have less (pointing out that I have “more”), but then there’s less to squeeze and squish in between those large plastic plates. Now that I’ve done it, I have to disagree.

Seriously, I have red marks above my boobs and I’ve had to take ibuprofen last night and this morning and I’m still in excruciating pain (over 24 hours later). There is no way that can be good for your breast tissue. Screw the dangers of radiation, I feel like the damage to my breasts is enough to facilitate cancer even if there was none to begin with. I hear stories from people all the time, where an injury later developed into cancer in that area. While doctors and scientists poo-poo the idea, I’d like to see more research in the area myself. Bodies are not meant to be damaged. We are fragile beings. My boobies are fragile. Be kind oh, mammogram operator. It just isn’t right!

I even told her when it was done that I didn’t agree with her, the whole thing sucked the big one and I was too young to get it done anyway, “I’m 38,” I boasted. She wasn’t impressed. She told me that the first mammogram should be between the age of 35 and 40 and then it was to be done every 2 years until 50 and then it’s to be done every year.

The only reason I even did it was because my OB-GYN wouldn’t renew my birth control pills without my having it done, so he had me over a barrel. (If you lived with my two boys, you would know what I mean.)

My GYN recommends a mammogram after 40 every year.

This experience has taught me two things a) I need to get a new GYN (one that sticks with traditional protocols) and b) breasts were never meant to be compressed like a stale piece of gum, stuck to a cheap pair of shoes. Mammograms really hurt. Next time, I’m stopping by a bar and having a few before the torture.

As if coming upon 40 weren’t bad enough…

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