I didn’t think things could get much more weirder than they already are, but I am consistently and constantly proven wrong.

The latest, if you haven’t already heard, is the campaign to brand food with labels warning against children choking.

The whole thing sort of reminds me of that person who spilled hot coffee on themselves and sued McDonald’s because they got burned even though there was a warning right on the cup stating, Caution: HOT!

Which is to say, we are a nation who has lost their common sense.

The group [The American Academy of Pediatrics] is issuing a new policy statement calling on the government and manufacturers to implement a food labeling system warning parents of these risks.

“This is a call to action,” said Dr. Gary Smith, a pediatrician and immediate past chairman of the Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

“For many years, the U.S. has protected children from choking on toys. We have legislation. We have regulation. We have voluntary standards. We have labeling. We have recall programs,” said Smith, also director of the Center for Injury, Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

They want to go so far as to recall foods that pose a risk of choking if necessary.

The American Academy of Pediatrics lists hot dogs as the highest risk food for young kids. Grapes, raw carrots, apples and peanuts are also dangerous.

So…..common sense should tell you to cut these foods up in smaller pieces. Seems logical. Or, don’t give these foods to your child.

This article sites this fact:

Choking kills more than 100 U.S. children 14 years or younger each year and thousands more — 15,000 in 2001 — are treated in emergency rooms.

While this fact is disheartening, AAP shouldn’t have to go so far as mandating choking warning labels for food. It seems overkill to me. There should be awareness, but not legislation.

…the American Academy of Pediatrics lists a few tips on its Web site to help parents with problem foods. It suggests parents:

• Cut hot dogs lengthwise and grapes in quarters. This changes the dangerous shape of the food, which can block throats of young children and even teenagers.

• Avoid giving toddlers other high-risk foods such as hard candy, nuts, seeds and raw carrots.

• Never let small children run, play or lie down while eating.

Okay. The above-it’s common sense. Why is it necessary for them to post this on their site? Are Americans really that incompetent? Or are companies making us think we are?

Hard to believe when you’re pulling your hair out for the third time in a week or when you’re caught in tantrum-land.

But, according to a study done by Brigham Young University, having kids can actually lower your blood pressure, especially women.

The study involved 198 adults who wore portable blood pressure monitors, mostly concealed by their clothes, for 24 hours.

The monitors took measurements at random intervals throughout the day – even while participants slept. This method provides a better sense of a person’s true day-to-day blood pressure.

The effect was more pronounced among women, with motherhood corresponding to a 12-point difference in systolic blood pressure and a 7-point difference in diastolic blood pressure.

Read the entire article here.

If there is one thing that, more than anything else, will keep me out of the motherhood hall of fame it is this: I do not enjoy playing with my kids.

I know, blasphemy. Today’s “involved moms” are all about getting down on the floor and playing with their children. Building blocks, zooming cars, and taking part in elaborate tea parties where mommy wiles away the day sipping air out of a dusty cup and faux-nibbling mud pies for fun.

Fun. Sure, that’s all well and good and who doesn’t enjoy a rousing rendition of “this little piggy went to market” with some sweet lil’ ole’ baby toes from time to time? I love working on craft projects, baking, or reading with my kids. It’s the actual child’s play that gets me down. There really ought to be a warning on all this quality time. This “mommy and me” stuff is simply a gateway drug to harder stuff. Namely, being forced to feign and interest in your older children’s collections, trading cards, and video games.

There, I said it. I am not now, nor have I ever been all that invested in Pokemon. Pokemon is a cartoon, trading card, and video game phenomenon that has become an empire second only to Microsoft in terms of market presence. We have Pokemon cards, movies, bedding, clothing, stuffed toys, action figures, and for all I know Pokemon cards are being actively traded on the New York Stock Exchange. At some point I believe their value definitely outperformed GM.

Yet, despite nearly a decade of near constant exposure to the characters, I still don’t know all my Pokemon characters beyond that one is some sort of turtle (maybe). This is not my fault, however, because what I do know is that Pokemon characters are forever evolving into something else. Just when I understood what a Snorlax was, he/she/it up and morphed into something else! How am I to keep up? It’s all I can do to keep up with members of Congress when they pull those kind of tricks.

Transform. Worse yet, my children, bless their optimistic little hearts – actually believe that I care about these transformations. Many the times a remarkable train of thought has been derailed by cries of “mom come quick!” Well, there’s one born every minute and I am the mother who is perpetually a sucker for any panicked cry of “Mom!” Thus I rush off to find out that snorklewhosits is transforming into butterflibberjibit (or something) before my very eyes!

Whoopee. (Not).

Bore. The thing is, I don’t want to let on that video game characters bore me to tears. I want at the very least the credit for feigning an interest in this stuff. It would not to do to become the mothering version of “look kid, she’s just not that into you.” I’ve just never found video games – or their characters – very engaging. Yet, I don’t want my children to think I don’t find THEM fascinating. I mean who among us hasn’t wanted to go on and on and on about our chosen hobby or that great movie we just saw? You get me started on digital photography or scrapbooking and you might find yourself plotting to chew off your own limb to escape. I know how that goes. Thus, I want to give my children the same joy in sharing. I want to be that parent that is hip, cool, and open to new and exciting things. I want them to trust me with secrets big and small. I just can’t help but wish that so much of our sharing didn’t seem to happen over the painstaking explanation of yet another not-so-exciting plot twist in the world of Pokemon, YuGiOh and any and all characters on MarioKart racing.

Maybe my real problem is that they don’t make cartoon characters that bridge the generation and literary gap?

When someone calls me over to witness the exciting transformation of a videogame version of Scarlett O’Hara into someone Rhett can really love - I’m in. I could totally see a Steinbeck trading card game – I see you one Lenny “Of Mice and Men” and raise you two Joads from “The Grapes of Wrath” maybe?

Game. Until then I’m that mom you’ll see gamely pretending to know (and love) all the various little cartoon characters that morph in and out of our lives. You see, even if I don’t care a whit about those pesky cartoon characters – there are a few little human characters around here that I care for very much. Interestingly enough, their transformation is endlessly entertaining, even if their hobbies aren’t.

I have spent nearly nine years teaching my children that patience is a virtue (although sadly, not one of mine) and that there are no stupid questions.

Then, I spent 20 minutes explaining the art of making change to a first grader and all bets were off.

continue reading…

The other day my neighbor came over, and I questioned him about his sons first day of kindergarten. He shared with me that he enjoyed it, and seemed to be learning, but he wasn’t happy with the homework.

Uh wait back the hell up. Homework? In KINDERGARTEN?

It seems like teachers these days flood their kids with the H.W. I remember my little brother coming home from school with at least 2+ hours of assignments to work on, and after that it was a scramble of dinner/bath/bed before he got up at 6am to do it all over. What happend to you know, coming home and resting? Having a healthy snack and going the fuck outside? Or sitting on the couch reading a book?  Does a five year old really need to come home and work on his ABC’s until 7pm? It’s all busy work anyway. Here: copy these letters 49 times until you memorize them, because apparently that’s what learning is. Kids that can get straight A’s aren’t brilliant, they just have excellent memories.

I don’t want my daughter to be glued down my homework. I want her to learn about plants one day, and mathamtics the next. I want her to spend entire afternoons reading if she feels like it, and I want to take museum trips, and travel the world. We COULD do that on the weekends yes, but I really feel like public school systems are FAILING. I’ve found alternative, crunchy schools I’d love to send her to if I had $40 grand a year I didn’t know what to do with, but I don’t.

I went to an alternative school.  I didn’t get homework. I still email my teacher and I think about my sunny, rich learning experiences I had there on a daily basis. But I was lucky, and I went because my public school footed the $40 grand bill. That school has changed it seems too.

So I think about home schooling. I think about the things I know - and the things I don’t know, and I figure I can work it out. Maybe I won’t do it and I’ll suck it up and find a school I can tolerate, or maybe I will and next time you see Paige and I we will be en-route to Maine to eat Lobster and learn about fishing. WHO KNOWS.