That’s right, I’m on summer vacation [with five deadlines, and a book to work on, but who's counting?] My monster is at Grandma’s getting spoiled [again] for five days. They are going to a wedding, they had a THIRD birthday party for her, and she’s not doubt wearing a lot of pink shit that says Princess [which I hate, but what happens at G-mas, stays there, right?]

The funny thing is, when I tell people I expect high fives and a “lets get wassssted!” but many of my mom friends are puzzled by my enthusiasm for my summer vacation. They “couldn’t” part with their kids for “more than a day, tops..” and I feel a twinge of guilt for the flutter of excitment I get when I think about takin a shit, with the door closed, by myself.  Hell, I went out and bought a new razor so I could spend five minutes extra making my legs smooth as well, my childs butt. It’s like heaven! And I’m not wearing a bra! And I don’t feel guilty about staying up late [cough, 11pm] to watch gymnastics! ‘

And now, for the real purpose of my blog, I need advice…

Down the dirt road from our house, there is a shack. In that shack, are five children, one mom, and one dad. They have baby chickens, dogs, cats, turkeys, roosters, you name it. Sometimes they come over for a swim, and sometimes we go down to say hi to their zoo.  There is one little boy Landen, who is absoutely adorable with his waist length blonde curls, and four year old swagger…but, he won’t leave us alone. Example:

12pm: doorbell rings, it’s Landen asking to talk to my husband. I tell him that we are working today, and he can come for a swim, or to see our pets later but now we need to do stuff, and to come back in a few hours. He says “okay, sure!”

12:10pm: doornell rings, it’s Laden asking if we are done. I explain in my best “patient mom” voice that only ten minutes has passed, now a few hours, like, 120 minutes, so he can come back.

12:12pm: db rings, it’s Landen asking if he can talk to Phil. I say that he’s working, and he tells me a story involving chickens, guns, and police. I nod thoughtfully, and tell him to come back later.

12:15pm: db rings, Laden wants to know if I told Phil the story, and what did he think of it? I tell him I didn’t, we are working and to COME BACK IN A FEW HOURS. Landen holds up 2 fingers and goes “this many minutes…” and I hold up 6 fingers and say “this many hours….”

The doorbell rings at least 10x per day. The thing is, I am patient and the kid IS adorable. IF I didn’t have work I’d let him hang here al day eating peanut butter toast and entertaining me with Redneck stories. But. I. do. How do I make him stop? I could call his parents, but what do I say without sounding like a huge bitch? They are country folk, and probably don’t care if he wanders through the woods to our place, and even though I’ve warned him I’m “getting mad and won’t give him any more fruit roll ups…” he comes back. He just showed up to show me his new pocket knife. I told him I’m not into violence.

ARG.

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This weekend Paige went to the beach for the first time. I’d show you photos of her splashing in the water, and eating sand crusted yogurt drops but guess what slacker mom forget the camera? A pack of freeze dried fruit to the winner of that one!

You guys have heard me speak of my need for a wife, and this weekend just prooved it. With Aunts, Uncles, Grandma’s and GREAT Grandma’s around things went smoothly. I got sleep. I got to eat a chicken wing before it congealed and stuck to my plate.  At the beach I got to go for a walk with my mom, and read a few chapters of my book while we took turns watching the beastlette avoid the sand, and splash in her pool.  IT FUCKING RULED.

My house so doesn’t run as smoothly as that. I want it to. My husband and I have decided that on the weekends he gets one day to plan what the family does [and most likely it will be sit around, swim, and coo] and I get one day to plan what we do [most likely flea markets, cook, bookstore, and visiting my mom] I think this is perfect.  I also know that I’m not super mom, I’m more like selfish mom. Truth be told I love my daughter more than kittens but I also love me time.  I am in awe of the mom [or anyone] who has the patience to keep a smile on their face all day. I can’t. I get mad, I lock myself in the bathroom and take time outs. I HAVE to get out of the house some days because being in the real world is easier than chasing my daughter around the house when really, REALLY I just want to watch a horror movie.  But this weekend, this weekend went smoothly and it made me happy. It made me proud to be a woman, and to watch woman HELP each other without expectations, or without qualms.

That’s all I’ve got. I have burnt cookies to eat [I was Google'ing away and forgot about them]

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So, I bitch a lot.

Okay, a ton. I’m going to however, list twenty things [because I love lists] my kid does, and I beg ask you do the same! It’ll be fun, and we can like, share similar answers and giggle like school girls, okay?

1. My daughter stinks like sun screen, baby sweat, and milk. I LOVE IT!

2. That she loves avacodos, but will sneak chicken to the dogs when she thinks I’m not looking.

3. Even though she’s only 11 months she says “what’s that” in the most inequsitive tone I’ve heard.

4. She fars, quite loud, and when it’s most quiet.

5. She adores books, if only to chew on them, and babble inchoherently to them.

6. She “does nice” to our four pets.

7. That when we lease expect it, she shoves her foot in her mouth and gnaws on her toes.

8. That she has no say in what her shirts say so today hers says “Diaper Loading, 90% full…”

9. That her diaper rash is gone. THANK THE LORD!

10. She appreciates Belle and Sebastian and attempts to sing along.

11. Even when the TV is playing the brightest loudest cartoon she’d rather play with string and ribbon.

12.   When I say “NO” she immediatly hands over whatever she’s trying to put in her mouth.

13. Most of the time it’s dog food.

14. She is sleeping through the night, but still gets in bed at 6am to get in that extra hour, and snuggle.

15. She’s brilliant. I kid you not, she is. Watch out world.

16. She took seven steps without falling.

17. She can climb up and down the ledge in the living room, making a surprised face every time she does it succesfully.

18. She gets along with everyone, and goes entire days without throwing a fit.

19. She’s as independent as a toddler can get.

20. She’s mine. All mine

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