A new report has come out claiming that American men’s role in housework duty has increased by 15 - 30 percent since 1965 (no, I’m serious, that’s what it says — yes, I realize 15% of zero is still zero), while at the same time the amount of sexual activity between married partners has increased about the same rate. So, employing a bit of post hoc ergo propter hoc, we get guy vacuums = guy gets laid.

Shit, we’ve been trying to tell you guys that for years. Where’s our grant money? Paging Matthew Lesko!

[h/t]

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Like a lot of kids, my youngest son is prone to blurting out riveting observations at any given time. Fascinating things like, “You’ve got a blue shirt on!” and, “Mom’s at work!” Thanks, Commandant of Perspicuousness! While hanging out in our basement playroom this morning, he pointed at the laundry room and said, “Penny [the cat] just went in there!”

I asked, “Went in where?”

“Into Mom’s Laundry!”

I like that. I like that very much.

This is common knowledge for us old timers, but here’s a tip to you newlywed men out there: if you want to someday be able to retire from doing laundry, simply feign incompetence. But this is not as easy as it sounds. If you are of reasonable intelligence you can’t go the bumbling idiot route or she’ll never buy it — for instance, a red sock in the load of whites is way too obvious. No, you have to be more subtle. Use a bit too much or too little laundry soap, use the wrong water level or temperature, forget the dryer sheets, and my absolute favorite, consistently fold items in a neat but completely wrong way. It will be a needling irritation that builds and builds until your wife banishes you from laundry duty forever.

You’re welcome.

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