Fit Pregnancy recently released their list of the best cities to have a baby, and U.S. Crunchy Central Portland, Oregon was at the top. The magazine looked at the 50 largest cities and their quality of health care, breastfeeding rates, availability of doulas and midwives, stroller friendly parks, etc. Results were tabulated by the “Fit Pregnancy Advisory Board”, whoever they are — probably a bunch of interns throwing darts at a map. Maybe I’m just bitter because my hometown, Chicago, ranked number 28th. What? Who wouldn’t want to have a baby in a Cook County hospital? And the Windy City gets an “F” for stroller-friendliness? The whole place is covered with concrete, what’s not stroller-friendly about that? Have you ever tried to push a stroller on a wooded trail or through a lush meadow? Not fun. Hmmph. Here’s a run down of the top 10:

1. Portland - perfect for socialists who don’t like to shave their armpits.
2. Minneapolis - great if you’re having a baby popsicle.
3. San Francisco - every commercial that uses a runaway ball, car, piano, etc. films on San Francisco’s hills — that’s stroller-friendly?
4. Seattle - like Portland, but with more caffeine and software moguls.
5. Denver - good luck with those high altitude breathing exercises.
6. Boston - if you’re carrying a wicked pissa, Boston is freakin’ awesome.
7. Omaha - so boring I don’t even have anything to say about it.
8. Virginia Beach - best thing Virginia has going for it? It’s not West Virginia.
9. Austin - just hope your due date isn’t during South by Southwest.
10. Albuquerque - actually, Albuquerque is kinda nice.

Bottom of the list? Detroit. So at least we’re better than the Motor City. Which is like being a better parent than Britney Spears.

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