Pre-children, I was a mall-rat. I used to love clothes. Not just clothes, I loved jewelry, purses, perfume, shoes – all that girly shit. I could spend hours, even days at the mall. My fantasy was being locked in a mall overnight, Bloomingdales or Nordstrom preferably, with access to dressing rooms without waiting.

So how did I go from looking forward to trying on clothes and flipping through Vogue to find out what the latest trends were for the upcoming season. Now, that’s like the last thing I want to do. It’s synonymous with chewing class and drinking urine. So not fun. So not interesting. In the words of Avril Lavigne, it’s so whatever!

All of this is fine and good. Our priorities change. Our lifestyles change. It is just not that important to look like you don’t have kids. Who are we, as moms, trying to impress anyway?

…and why do I loathe shopping for clothes so much?

Well, for starters…

1. It takes time. A lot of time. Time I don’t have.
2. It takes brain-power. It hurts my brain trying to keep up with whether or not I can wear black and brown together this season. What fabrics go with what? Am I too old or young for this shirt or these pants?
3. It’s expensive. Unless I agree to pay a babysitter a small fortune to watch my children, just for the luxury of spending a large fortune on clothes, I will have to make split-decision fashion choices and right now, I don’t trust my dated fashion sense.
4. Clothes don’t fit me the way they used to. Although I have worked hard to shed some of those unwanted pounds, my body has changed for better and for worse. Even with my weight loss success, I still cannot wear the same size I did pre-children. Women’s clothes, especially jeans, are designed for the bodies of girls stuck in little boy’s bodies. It just seems like a colossal waste of time to try things on and that are too tight, way too long (like every pant and jean) or need to be tailored to the point that you might as well invest in custom clothing.
5. Why bother? All dressed up and nowhere to go. Sometimes I lose my motivation to even care. I tend to gravitate towards those cropped cotton pants and long wife-beaters. What’s comfortable seems luxurious now (all those young girls, you just don’t get it) and reminds of the weekends. I like weekends. I’m talkin’, things that can hold up to a fudgescicle handprint. Although I do have to dress up for work, those clothes are not as comfortable as my updated leisure suits.

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A few weeks ago my teenaged sons were entertaining a group of friends who just happened to be girls. Traditionally when that happens, the kids start out in the kitchen snacking on bowls of M&M’s or cookies and then they migrate into the bedroom our sons share which is actually a small “suite’, consisting of a study, a bunkroom and a bathroom. PlayStation and their computer are also in there so the taboos that plagued my generation regarding the simple act of bringing the opposite sex into one’s bedroom and “ALL THE PERVERTED THINGS THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO IMPLY” (but didn’t), don’t apply here. That said, I was urging my older sons to put away the enormous basket of clean-and-unfolded clothing so that the room would look less slovenly, lived-in by swine, cluttered.
“Relax, Mom, ” said my 16-year old. “My friends couldn’t care less.”

“What about your underwear? At least stick that in a drawer someplace Doesn’t that bother you?” I asked.
“Why should it? My friends know I wear underwear.”

And then it hit me. Of course their friends know they wear underwear. Their friends know. Their teacher knows. Everyone knows because anyone with two functioning eyes can see a good two inches of it above the waist of their pants or shorts. And I’m not talking about gangbanger pants with the crotch that hangs level with the kid’s calves. I’m just talking about regular Levis and a general “unconcern” about whether or not one’s underclothes can be seen from a remote space satellite orbiting the planet.

So, if the kids don’t care about one’s underwear being visible while it’s still on their body, I suppose it makes perfect sense that several pair of “unoccupied” boxers left lying crumpled under a desk chair aren’t going to give any of their friends a big case of the vapors.

Madonna, you may be yesterday’s news and God knows you’ve been replaced by some other morons (K-Fed comes to mind) with similar taste in attire, but the legacy you began by wearing your bra on the outside of your shirt is still gaining momentum. Gee….thanks.

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Thin is in. Skinny skirts and jeans, otherwise known as “pencil” skirts or pants are in.

Looks like I’ll be eating my share of salads this fall because as shallow as it might be, this is just too cute to allow my thighs to get in the way of this adorable (albeit, narrow) fashion trend. I don’t own a Caravan for this reason – these jeans could potentially be a fashion culture clash of monumental proportions. See, MILFs have an image and reputation to uphold. If it were a war of fashion, let me tell you, these bitches would win:

from gap.com

From www.msnbc.msn.com:

Pencil it in
The pencil skirt is a must-have on every trendista’s shopping list. We love it in sleek and snug dark denim with just a bit of stretch to mold and hug your curves. The classic five-pocket style is as comfortable as your favorite pair of jeans, while a high-waisted, plain-front silhouette offers a more dressy option that can even be worn in some offices.

Second skin
Skinny jeans are the denim trend of the moment and a favorite of A-list “it” girls. But you don’t have to be skinny to wear them! For fall they look great paired with a hip-length sweater or tunic over a long tee (add a belt if you want waist definition). Go for dark blue “vintage” denim, black or (newest!) pale grey. Skinny, plain legs are A-OK, but you’ll also find lots of fun detailing at the ankles like zippers, snaps and buckles. Read the rest…

Now, for the more realistic MILFs out there, I’m not sayin’ that you can’t be sexy with a little junk in ya trunk. For example, Lane Bryant has just started carrying Seven Jeans. How cool is that? And, they’re on sale right now. Sweet! It’s a win/win for MILFs everywhere! Even if you haven’t lost those baby pounds, it doesn’t mean you have to resort to sweat pants and mom jeans. There is absoultely no excuse now.

Now that’s hot.

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A suburban Boston school has banned flip-flops, citing them as a safety issue. The kids are pissed. They always are. For years and years schools have banned certain clothing items and kids get a masterful lesson on protesting and petitioning and they always lose — another great life lesson!

I remember my mom telling me that when she was in high school, the girls had to kneel down and if their skirts didn’t touch the floor, that meant they were too short and they were sent home. When I was in high shool, several rock’n'roll t-shirts were banned and although I can’t remember the bad bands that caused this mandate, it always had to do with licking or some obscenity.

The kids in the following article are acting like they’re the first to be screwed over by da man and taxes, but guess what?… they don’t pay taxes, or if they do, it’s minimal part-time Target contribution. Seven flipped-out flopper kids suggested in the artile, “Tell them to worry more about academics.” I’d like to throw that back in their little pimpley faces and say right back to he/she/it, “Why don’t *you* worry more about academics and just deal, K?” (Aren’t I awesome at this mothering thing?)

Read about the woes of these poor little, victimized darlings at the bostonherald.com:

If the Randolph school board approves the measure, it would join a growing number of schools in Weymouth, South Hadley, Boston, Bellingham and Hudson that have kicked flip-flops out of the classroom.

“You hear from kids in flip-flops tripping up stairs. Literally tripping up stairs,” said Weymouth School Committee Chairman Sean Guilfoyle.

When Weymouth banned flip-flops districtwide last July, three forlorn high school fashionistas responded by gathering 541 signatures for a petition opposing the ban, which they presented to the school board in April, according to School Committee minutes.

Guilfoyle said the students argued against the ban by showing that the board’s policy allowed many types of footwear that are similar to flip-flops.

The plan backfired. The School Committee added “athletic/beach sandals, roller sneakers (and) excessively high heels” to the list, according to this year’s dress code.

“They were magnificent,” Guilfoyle said of the three flip-flop ban fighters. “But at the end of the day, it’s a safety issue.”. Read the rest…

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