And apparently we need to lose some weight.

I finally saw one of the Queen Latifah commercials for Jenny Craig. I’d been bracing myself for them, because I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I was tempted to jump out of my seat and shout, “TRAITOR BITCH!” at the television and then shove a forkful of cheesecake in my mouth in a really pissed-off way for emphasis. She is The Queen. The final word on living large and looking good while doing it. She’s smart, funny, articulate, down-to-earth and dripping with glamour. It would be hard to watch her turn skinny on us. Our heroine, melting away. If our leader of the fat girls is bailing, then who do we have left? Mo’Nique? I’m sorry but she’s the anti-model for the overweight. She doesn’t make you stop and say, “Hell yeah, I’ll have another margarita.” She makes you kind of want to go purge the margarita you’ve already drunk and then go jog around the block. Not really the picture of health to me. So, who then? Emme? She’s too QVC to take seriously. So, it’s back to The Queen.

When she told us that it was OK to embrace our curves and be who we are, we listened and applauded and stuffed our breasts into her Curvation Limited Edition bras for the cure. Now she’s telling us we need to lose some weight and get healthy and I for one am skeptical of her method, but listening to the message.

Her commercials have a different slant (as I’m sure you’ve heard), touting a healthy lifestyle rather than the aesthetics of weight loss. I’m all for that. But, when I did Jenny Craig after the birth of my second child, their food was loaded with preservatives and artificial sweeteners. Back then, cooking wasn’t an option on the JC program. You bought their pre-packaged food and ate it at their intervals (supplementing with your own salad greens and their dressing) or you drank their meal replacement shakes and supplemented with your salad greens (and their dressing). Then when you met your goal, they smiled, handed you a cookbook and sent you home to fend for yourself. If I were doing Jenny Craig commercials, it would have worked to sell people on a different weight loss program. Now here I am cooking this delicious meal of baked salmon, butter and herb couscous, and tossed salad with home-made vinaigrette for my family, and lookie! I get to eat something called “Cookout Style Chicken & Beans” that I just pop into the microwave. In other words, I didn’t find Jenny Craig to be compatible with the life I was leading. I did lose weight on it, though, I cannot deny that.

The truth is, I’ve been plotting my own lifestyle changes. This has been a scheme underway for quite some time. I just needed the right time to commit to it, and that time was approaching quickly anyway.

In the past three or so years I: got pregnant, had a c-section, found out my belly was torn to shreds by that baby and left me with THREE abdominal hernias, had them repaired, ripped the mesh out of one of them, had that repaired, and then was on paxil for two months after my mother died which led to another 7 pound weight gain added onto that pregnancy weight I never lost to begin with. I am coming up on one year after that last operation. The one year mark is really important because it means I am 100% healed. I plan on seeing my doctor the first week in April before I proceed with my plans, just to make completely sure that everything is healed.

If I get the green light, then I will be enrolling back in tae kwon do. That’s my exercise goal. Go to tae kwon do and work through the belts. Lots of short-term goals in there, but my long-term goal will be that coveted belt noir that I almost earned seven years ago, but then had to move. If I can’t do tae kwon do, then I will need to find another exercise outlet. Maybe yoga. Maybe Curves. I don’t know yet.

My first weight loss goal is to get down to my pre-paxil weight. My second will be to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s a total of 15 pounds. I’ll reassess after that. Keep in mind that I’m not The Queen. There will be no truth or honesty here. Don’t expect any real numbers or photos posted to document my progress. I’m not planning on keeping you all updated on this, unless some funny or shocking stories happen along the way. I’m just a chicken-shit with a pasty white blubber belly behind a Powerbook, after all. I do not want to be a MILF, but rather a “Mother I’d Like to Ride a Bike With,” or maybe a “Mother I’m Not Embarrassed to Be Seen at the Beach With.”

So, Your Majesty, you asked us in the fatty bourgeois to follow you in your quest for better health and a lower BMI and I will. If you’ve determined it’s the time to put down the fork and lace up our walking shoes, then I’m with you. But, I’m doing it differently, because, slap me for saying this, I think the whole Jenny Craig thing is a gimmick, one that will eventually come back to bite you in your shrinking ass later on. A year down the road, we’ll be graced with unflattering photos of you across the tabloids, with captions screaming of your OUT OF CONTROL WEIGHT GAIN! And asking what happened. You’ve kept the media at bay about your weight all this time with your self-confidence and unwavering talent, but once you let them in they’ll never leave. This, Your Highness, is opening the castle doors wide, bridging the moat and rolling out the red carpet for them. This is a mistake you’ll only recognize later.

I’m staging my own better health revolution and the masses consist of only me. I will meet my goals, but without aspartame-laden beverages and desserts. Without $10 chicken and noodle casseroles that somehow don’t need refrigeration and contain nary a recognizable ingredient on the side of the box (Eeew! On what planet exactly is that healthy?), and I will start right after Easter.

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Okay, this is gonna be short and sweet this week because I have a lot going on and I’m really, really hungry this week. My body is definitely going into some sort of weird deprivation shock and not liking it, plus I was sick last week and didn’t exercise — again. Can’t it just hover above arctic temperatures long enough to allow me to get well? Is that too much to ask? Can I have some global warming love here in Chi-town?

I lost another 2 lbs. in spite of my misery.

My “diet” food pick of the week is only 1 points and it is a little zinger-like, slice of heaven. The lemon ones rule. I don’t normally like lemon, but it’s a love-fest between me and those 1 point miracles. The carrot cake is really good too, but a tiny bit dry. The chocolate tastes like ass. Stay away from the chocolate.

We’ve been getting them at Target and the local grocery when they’re not sold out. Stock up if you find ‘em. They’ve been catching on. So buy some. Today.

[Ed. note: I think it’s worth pointing out in this era of “pay per post” that Jessica’s opinions and suggestions are sincere — while she was provided a Weight Watchers membership for review purposes, no compensation has been received or offered.]

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I lost another 4 lbs. this week, so 8 lbs. in all! It’s a good start for sure. My goal is 10 lbs. a month, so I feel I’m right on target. It feels good to know that I have the power to make this happen.

For exercise, I have been walking. During my lunch hour, I walk with a co-worker for about 20 minutes a day. It’s enough to work up a good sweat and makes the day go by faster. Sometimes my walking partner skips out when it gets too cold outside, but I have been a trooper. I figure I’ll keep walking unless it’s below zero. As long as one is properly prepared and dressed for it, I see no reason why I can’t continue into the chilly temperatures.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how much weight I could lose and how good walking would make me feel. It’s been very theraputic. I have been able to improve my endurance, which I never thought I could do from just walking.

My inspiration for walking while it’s cold outside came from Weight Watchers this week:

“Walking outdoors in winter is extremely invigorating and almost meditative,” says Suzanne Nottingham, an American Council on Exercise spokesperson and IDEA’s 2000 Fitness Instructor of the Year. “It’s like you’re part of nature, walking in the midst of howling winds, blowing snow and a bright sun. And it’s quiet; not many people are out,” says Nottingham, who walks outside in the Lake Tahoe area whenever she can—even in the colder months.

Aim to wear three layers.
“It’s better to have and not need,” says Nottingham. You can always peel the layers off.

Avoid cotton.
“Try clothes made out of material that will keep moisture away from your skin, so you won’t get cold. Nike’s Dri-Fit clothes are a good bet,” advises Nottingham.

Wear gloves.
Grab ski gloves if it’s snowing. A hat and a neck gaiter (a muff for your neck) will help keep you warm. If your ears, hands or head get too cold, go inside.

Protect your eyes.
Wear sunglasses or, if it’s snowing, goggles with a light-colored lens, to protect your eyes from snow glare.

Try studded outdoor walking shoes, which give you extra traction on slippery surfaces. “Lightweight hiking boots are a good option, too,” says Culwell, “but stay away from heavy boots that are geared for climbing.”

Don’t layer your socks.
There’s a good chance you’ll get blisters that way. Instead, wear thin socks designed to keep feet warm (try Thorlo or SmartWool).

If it gets too cold outside, I’m going to have move my walking routine to the mall, but so far it’s been a fairly mild winter so I’ve been in luck.

This motivational tool came from  Weight Watchers free newsletter. Besides The Imperfect Parent newsletter, I think most of ‘em are worthless, but Weight Watchers is definitely worth the read. For those interested in clever weight loss tips, I’d definitely subscribe.

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I am so bored at the office, I take frequent coffee breaks and nibble on the buffet of indulgences that people bring in to grant them more excuses to leave their desk. I can’t complain about work, I have been doing pretty well and as a reward, I treat myself to some chocolate/chocolate Oreo cookies.

Over the holidays, I managed to get a lot done, so I ate my pounds in progress. Every reward this past year has somehow included food and I have to finally concede that at 37, I have a gut. Guts are ugly. I hate my gut. My gut and my butt — major areas of conflict and competition to see which can become bigger. Sometimes I just wondered how fat I could get without spontaneously exploding. My jeans pockets have started to tear at the seams. They have given a good fight but in the end, they just couldn’t keep it together.

I saw on CNN the other night that New Year’s resolutions only set yourself up for failure. So many experts, so much food, what’s a girl to do? You know what I say? Fuck the experts. That’s right, a New Year’s resolution is in order for my fat ass.

I hereby declare a new, fit resolution and declaration. If I am still a pudge-bucket in 6 months, then I will shame my family, my friends and the whole cyber-nation of moms who still believe there is hope.

Starting January 1, 2007, I am joining Weight Watchers Online and will be reviewing the program and its effectiveness (so far, the best part seems to be when you exercise, they give you food points BACK). I am signing up for an exercise class called “Fit Boot Camp” and this ass is grass.

Mark your calendars, I am going to post a picture of my fat ass next week, so stay tuned for that. In fact, I’m going to post pictures regularly (hopefully every week) along with my progress.

Next week starts the detox program. Who’s with me? C’mon, size 14 is the average size for women in this country, somebody out there has to be as fat as I am!

Whether I have fellow participants or not, I’m going to post an update and weight loss journal every Monday and my hope would be that sisters out there will share their stories too. We’re in this together, so put that pizza down and stop eating your kids teddy grahams — 2007 is our year. Let’s get our MILFness on!

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Over the past year, I have gained a lot of weight. I am on the verge of going up a size and definitely in the throws of being uncomfortable in the clothes I do have. Although I could exercise a lot more and eat a little better than I do, truth be told, I don’t eat all that badly. I don’t exercise as much as I should, in fact, I don’t really exercise at all.

Next year, I have my 20-year high school reunion and a big society event to attend and I do not want to be fat. My friends tell me not to worry, everybody will probably be fat and I respond, “Yeah, but I don’t want to be one of them!” Throughout the years I have gone up and down, but I have never weighed as much as I do now, for as long as I have. Since 2003, after my second son was born, it has been an uphill battle. I would like to blame the c-section and the stress of have a very premature baby, but truth is, I lost all of my baby fat within a few weeks after surgery. I have struggled the past few years of trying to fine with it, to hating myself for it.

Recently, I had a routine blood draw to test my thyroid level. 12 years ago I had most of my thyroid removed because of a nasty growth. I have been taking synthroid, a synthetic thyroid hormone replacement medication since then. I haven’t been tested for the past few years because it was always the same. This time, my doctor said we had better check it. Turns out, I am now hypothyroid, meaning that my metabolism has slowed to an abnormal level. Increases and blood draws are in my future for the next year. I am hoping this is the reason for my sluggish body. I don’t need to be model thin, I just want to fit into my clothes again!

We brought up our exercise bike, parked it in front of the TV in our bedroom and I plan on taking this new information and making it work for me. I also need some good ab exercises. Any suggestions, besides old-fashion crunches? I hate crunches and I never feel like I’m in the right form.

So, any MILFS want to join me? I know it’s close to the holidays, but I thought I (we) could start with baby steps. Exercise and then cutting back on calories after the 1st. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

On a totally different note:

I have discovered the key to great hair color at home. Buy 2 or 3 shades and mix them together. You will get far more natural results. Use one color as your base color, something close to what you already have! It’s been many a trial and error for me and I think I have finally perfected it!

Okay, MILFS — power to ya!

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