After all the pomp and circumstance surrounding President Obama’s inauguration, I thought I’d chill out and see what TiVo recorded for me over the past few days.  Little did I know I’d witness another kind of pageantry on, frankly, a creepy scale.

Toddlers and Tiaras is a documentary that first aired on TLC last year. Now the network is turning it into a weekly series, going behind the scenes of the child beauty pageant industry. (The first episode airs on Jan. 27th.) We’re not talking about teenagers here. The kids featured in the documentary were between 5-9 years of age.

I can summarize the show pretty quickly. Young girls wear tons of makeup, hideous dresses, up-dos, fake nails and eyelashes, and perform cheesy talent routines in the hope of winning, well, their entry fees back. And possibly winning trophies that I’m not sure would fit in the back of the SUVs some of these pageant families drive.

Some of these pageant-moms pull out all the stops so their kids will win. Lose your top front baby teeth? No problem! Get a “flipper”, which is the equivalent of false teeth for kids.  Have a professional makeup artist doll up your kid. 

One mother, when asked why she has her daughter doing pageants, said “it’s a great way to help her build confidence and self esteem.”

Honey! How about letting your daughter be comfortable with the way she looks without plastering her face in more makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker? How about letting her be a kid!

The one cute moment of the entire show was when the producers asked one of the little girls what she would do with the money should she win the pageant. She said she’d like to get a cow.

I hope that little girl, and her bovine, can retire from pageantry and live happily ever after.