Jennifer Lopez is making big news after her April 5th People Magazine spread featuring her newborn twins. Is it because of the over-the-top ornate nursery? Her husband’s pink shirt? Or the very idea of her running down her driveway in high heels and evening wear pushing a pram for kicks? No, it’s because she said she chose not to breastfeed the twins. She gave a two-sentence explanation, “My mom didn’t breast feed and I think that was the thing for me. You read and figure out what’s the best thing for them.”

That opened the hatches and all hell broke loose. Just Google “Jennifer Lopez” and “breast feeding” and you’ll see a ton of links to blogs about what a bad example she’s setting for mothers everywhere. She’s being criticized for not only choosing to bottle feed, but also for her so-called “excuse.”

I’ve never been a fan of J.Lo. For a long time, I referred to her only as, “That Bitch Who Stole Ben Affleck,” of course that ended and the official title went to Jennifer Garner. But, I feel obligated to speak up in defense of J.Lo. now (Who knew I’d ever be pitying her?), because her rings and perfect hair don’t mean anything in the world of motherhood.

I’m a three-time breastfeeding failure. I made honest efforts with two of them (the first and third). The middle I just bottle fed from the start, because I was so anxious and frustrated after my experience with trying and failing with the first child and my run-ins with the zealous “lactivist” members, I didn’t even want to try. It still pains me that I failed with the two. I know with my whole self that I tried to the best of my abilities. That’s not to say that some other mother couldn’t have tried for longer and maybe been able to work through the same issues. But, I know that I made my personal best effort, and that’s the best I can do.

After all those years of mulling over the feelings and facts from my own standpoint, I can say that it doesn’t matter what reason a woman gives for not breast feeding. Often that reason is torn apart and criticized or it’s just not even true. When asked why I didn’t breast feed (and I’ve been asked in casual conversation countless times), I’ve found myself lying. It is such a raw and personal experience, and sometimes the truth is too revealing, leaving you too vulnerable to spit out to some doctor you’ve known for exactly three minutes, or some casual acquaintance at the park who may be genuinely interested, or may be looking to “re-educate” you about how you really could have succeeded if only this or that happened. She’ll tell you next time you should make sure you do this or that differently so you can “do things right” next time (with the implication that it’s all “wrong” with the current kid). Furthermore, some information is better not unleashed into a small, tight group of mothers who you have to see all the time and your kids have to associate with regularly. So, personally, I take Jennifer Lopez’s explanation with a grain of salt. Maybe it’s true, or maybe it’s not. The explanation was simply, from my experience, a two sentence statement to be read: This is what I chose, now leave me alone.

Maybe there should be some anonymous information bank somewhere, and women can leave detailed accounts of their experiences so that some big committee can examine it and use it to make changes to increase breastfeeding rates. Wouldn’t that be more constructive than bashing Jennifer Lopez on a blog?

Now, I know that breast feeders get bashed too. I’ve read some truly sick things in regards to public breast feeding and extended breast feeding. I know that those who choose to breast feed have their own battles, and I support them in their rights. But, really, so does everyone else. They have the World Health Organization, they have the American Academy of Pediatrics, and they have lawyers through LLL to help them with legal battles when their rights are being trampled. Being a breast feeder in today’s world is not a lonely choice. You can name a dozen celebrities off the top of your head who have breast fed and gone unblogged. But, you get this one and the world goes crazy.

Jennifer Lopez obviously loves those babies more than life. They will be raised in ridiculous opulence, given every privilege that a child could hope for. That such a deal is being made about her feeding method is disgusting. There are children born addicted to crack, with parents who abuse them impulsively or with premeditation. There are layers of festering illness that permeate family dynamics that we can’t even begin to understand. But, this woman’s feeding method is what is dominating our attention. And that’s supposed to make some sense?

I feel for Jennifer Lopez. I know what it’s like to make the unpopular choice, the choice that does not have science and world-wide medical establishments backing it. I know what it’s like to be asked to explain that choice and then suffer cruel criticism for the choice and the explanation. But, the truth is, while those who succeed at breastfeeding may be giving their children some health advantages, those of us who have treaded the territory of making the other choice get an earlier indoctrination into motherhood. This is the reality of it. You will make unpopular choices. You will choose your own sanity over the “right” thing sometime during your tenure, and later realize it was the best decision you could have made for everyone involved. You will also receive bad news at some point, and wonder whether you were the cause of it because of some choice you made on behalf of your child. Your idea of “right” will differ from someone else’s idea of “right” and you’ll question everything. This is motherhood. Get used to it.

But, what I hope from new mothers is that they won’t get so defensive of their methods that they cross the line and become malicious to other mothers who make different choices. We should give each other the benefit of the doubt, and assume that unless we’re shown otherwise, that other mother loves her child as much as we love ours. She’s as bright and caring as we are, and she’s reached her decision with as much thorough deliberation as we reach ours. And whatever that deliberation consisted of is none of our business. Because babies don’t need to be rescued from formula. They don’t need to be saved from baby-carriers or strollers and put in Maya wraps instead. Cribs are not cages. There is a very clear line in our legal system as to what constitutes abuse, and it is only insulting to those suffering from actual abuse to be focusing so much of our collective hostility on these differences of parenting practice. It’s almost like we’re looking for an excuse not to get our hands dirty with the real issues. And, ironically, so many of the little girls suffering this very minute in those real abusive conditions will be mothers themselves someday, and when asked what could have been done to help them succeed at breast feeding, they’ll give some flippant, unrelated answer, but they may be thinking You could have helped me fifteen years ago, instead of ranting about what a horrible mother Jennifer Lopez was.

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I, like many of my friends, am a smoker. I know, I know – I should quit (back off!). I choose to smoke, as is my choice. And while I am a girl of few rules, there are four that I live by:

1. When there are kids in the car – NO SMOKING
2. When there are kids in the house – NO SMOKING
3. When I am near my pregnant sister – NO SMOKING
4. And when I am in the vicinity of children – NO SMOKING

If I happened to be outside smoking and I see someone approaching – especially if that someone is a child — I quickly move, attempt to blow the smoke as far away from them as possible, or hold my breath until they pass.

So, the next time I see someone smoking with a mini-van full of children, or smoking while pushing their child in a stroller and holding another kid’s hand, smoking while holding a child, or smoking while — gasp — pregnant, would it be impolite of me slap them upside the head?

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What happened to the punishment fitting the crime? Everything is bigger in Texas — go find one hell of an oven.

Man jailed for microwaving baby

A jury in Texas has sentenced a man to 25 years in prison for severely burning his two-month-old daughter in a microwave oven last year.

The jury rejected Joshua Mauldin’s defence that he was insane when he placed his daughter Ana in the oven.

Prosecutors said Mauldin had a history of violence, lying about being mentally ill and was angry about his marriage.

Ana, now aged one, suffered second and third-degree burns to her face and left side and required two skin grafts.

Part of her left ear had to be amputated.

Her foster mother, Heather Croxton, told the court of the painful daily treatments Ana has had to undergo since being left in the microwave for up to 20 seconds.

“There is no excuse for your actions and I hate that one day you will be set free and allowed to move on with your life while Ana continues to pay for your actions,” she said.

Mauldin’s lawyer, Sam Cammack, said his client would not get the treatment he needs for mental illness in prison.

— BBC News

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I am not a Super-Mommy. I’m not ashamed of it, either. I don’t want to be a Super-Mommy. Heck, I don’t even like Super-Mommies. I’d say I’m an Imperfect Parent, however, that might be implied since I’m writing here. But, I venture further, I dare to say I’m NOT an Imperfect Parent. Ha! There, I said it! You might ask, if I’m not an Imperfect Parent then does that make me a Perfect Parent? Thanks for asking, and yes, it does. Now, hold on a second before running off to call the Slap-The-Bitch hotline on me, let me explain myself. I’m not perfect, but I am a Perfect Parent, and my unique and individual imperfections are what make me so. Not getting it? I’ll try to clarify and maybe in a bit, you’ll boldly declare that you too, are in fact, a Perfect Parent–not despite–but because of your imperfections.

Let’s get the nonsense out of the way at the start. I don’t beat my kids, I don’t neglect them. I don’t lock them in a closet and feed them dog food on paper plates slid under the doors. None of those things are “imperfections” anyway. They’re criminal behaviors. Punishable sins against our dependents. So, now we’ve cleared that up, we don’t need to go down that route again. Imperfect does not go anywhere near abuse. Mmm’K?

Now, on to the so-called imperfections. Helicopter parenting is so popular around here, it’s hard for a mom to keep herself on the ground and not feel like a loser. Kids in my neck of the woods are like conjoined twins—one grubby little kid attached to a full grown woman, who does most of the work associated with being alive. Somehow, this has become our local ideal of what a mother should be. Her success as a parent is defined by how much she does FOR her kid. That’s not me. I’m there to help if my kids need me. I drive, I schedule, I pay. But, I’m not going to DO it. I check homework, I don’t walk though it problem by problem. My kids carry their own book bags and put their own coats, boots and gloves on. The Super-Mommies tut-tut me from underneath the mountain of their children’s belongings while I stand sipping a latte, but I don’t feel bad about it. See, in my world, doing everything for your kids teaches them nothing. They need to fail sometimes to learn how to succeed. The goal is to get your kids able to fend for themselves and move out to live functional lives away from you and provide you with grandchildren to coddle, not to make your kids dependent on you for everything for as long as you live. No grandchildren option in that second scenario.

It has also somehow come to pass that we all are supposed to have the patience and tolerance of the Mother Mary on valium. No yelling, no throwing tantrums or irrational reactions to whatever the little monsters or er, little darlings do. We’re all supposed to admonish bad behavior with carefully rehearsed child-psych approved vocabulary in a gentle sing-songy voice so as to not dent their delicate self-esteem. That’s not me either. I think that’s actually bad. See, I do throw fits when I’ve been pushed over the edge. I’ve been known to over-react when I’m pissed. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m human. To the best of my knowledge, the world my children live in is inhabited by humans. I don’t see how being some saintly automaton would help them learn to navigate the nuances of human personalities, or how to smooth over an angry person when you’ve done wrong. I think it’s good for them to know that their mother is a human (that in itself is kind of important on so many levels) and secondly that humans react in a variety of ways when they’re shoved over their particular line in the sand. Could be mom yelling, could be a crazy fuck with an automatic weapon. Bottom line is, when people say STOP, they mean it. When my kids are adults and they screw up at work, their boss isn’t going to consult the guru du jour for sympathetic phrasing before letting loose on them. If the kid hasn’t experienced making anyone truly mad and suffering some uncomfortable consequence, how will he not crumple into a fit of tears when he’s yelled at by someone else? Part of building self-esteem is giving kids confidence to handle situations. You’re doing no favors if you don’t teach them how to deal with real people and turn yourself into some Stepford mannequin instead.

I’m not Mommy The Entertainer during all waking hours. I have things I need to do in order for the house to run efficiently. I have chores that need doing during the daytime. Heaven forbid, I know, that my children be forced to run errands with me when they’d rather be doing something else. It’s unthinkable that little kids might have to endure a tiny bit of monotony for the benefit of the rest of the family. I mean, Lord knows I just live for grocery shopping and doing laundry. It’s what I hoped I’d get to do all the time when I grew up. Bad me for not putting them in an environment where they can just play in a ball pit or watch TV while I do the grunt work. No, I drag them along. They learn compromise and negotiation though. You behave at the store and we’ll play a game afterwards. Works for everyone. I also expect that my kids will learn to work through boredom. I do play with them, but most definitely not all day long. They can, and do play by themselves, which is unheard of by my peers.

And finally, I’ve waged war on all things that call themselves educational. It’s the custom here to start at birth in preparing your kid for Yale. I guess before birth, really since there are those headphones you can put on your belly that are supposed to teach foreign languages and classical music. I don’t do flash cards with my toddler. No video games to sneak in learning the alphabet or pre-calculus. I like my kids to play with the cheap dumb toys, like blocks and dolls when they’re little. I guess it’s a wonder they ever learned to talk or write their names, since I held them back so badly, insisting they be children for a while. It drives the Super-Mommies nuts when you do this, try it, really. Super-Mommy slides over to you at the library (with her arms full of coats and snacks) and starts the small talk. You discover your daughters are about the same age (say around two and a half), and she asks if your daughter knows her letters, because, well, they’ve tried everything but her kid still gets half of them wrong and she’s thinking of hiring a tutor, or that Kumon program, do you know anything about that Kumon program? You look at her, and say, “Huh. I don’t know if she knows her letters or not! Hey, Liz, what’s that letter? Yeah, that red thing you’re using as a hammer, it’s a magnetic letter, honey, do you know which letter it is?” And your child responds correctly because she’s somehow learned letters through osmosis. Then you say, “Hmm, I guess she does know them.” Shrug and walk away.

No, I’m not perfect. I’m a human in charge of raising up smaller humans. My imperfections make me the perfect candidate for that job. My children come first and I lead my life in a way that I believe will make them well prepared for life without me. I aim to balance building up their confidence while giving them tastes of reality, to further build up their confidence. I’m not racing for some medal. There is no Best Super Mommy prize at the end. My reward will be when my children are self-sufficient adults, happy, productive and living in a clean house I can visit. So, if you’re like me, then shed that guilt. Embrace those imperfections and hang up that phone, I’m not the bitch you want slapped. I’m just a Perfect Parent, and you probably are too.

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I remember, when I was a kid, a neighbor boy had the mouth of drunken sailor and at age 6, his fundamentally religious mother was not amused. It was the first time I witnessed somebody punishing another human with a cleanser. This was the 70s, so I believed she used Zest bar soap. It wasn’t pretty and it didn’t stop the kid from cursing up a storm at any given moment outside his home. It was gross, but he lived to tell the tale and continue to be a little jerk. I actually wish his mother did the soap punishment more often, because the kid was bad news and he was super creepy. His mother was really nice, but I think he was screwed up because his mom was too busy praying and making him read the Bible than because of the soap in the mouth.

…but I digress. On MotheringDotCommune, I read about an instance where Mother A was at Mother B’s house, picking up Mother A’s child from a play date. Mother A asked her kid to pick up and she said no. Mother A then marches the child into Mother B’s kitchen and squirts soap in her mouth.

Whoa! That mutha means business!!

This got the mothers on the forum into a tizzy. From the preponderance of deciding whether or not you can dictate what punishments parents are allowed to use in your home to the suggestion to call family services on the mother and whether or not that constituted child abuse and potentially removing the child from the mother’s care. As if they don’t have anything better to worry about.

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In Kid Nation, a new CBS reality show premiering this fall, forty kids between the ages of 8 and 15 are unleashed into a New Mexico ghost town where they have to fend for themselves for forty days without any adults.

Doesn’t that sound fun??

Well, this party pooper doesn’t think so:

To at least one parent of a participant, who wrote a letter of complaint to New Mexico state officials after the show had completed production, the experience bordered on abuse and neglect. Several children required medical attention after drinking bleach that had been left in an unmarked soda bottle, according to both the parent and CBS. One 11-year-old girl burned her face with splattered grease while cooking.

Other complaints include:

The children were made to haul wagons loaded with supplies for more than a mile through the New Mexico countryside, and they worked long hours — “from the crack of dawn when the rooster started crowing” until at least 9:30 p.m., according to Taylor, a 10-year-old from Sylvester, Ga., who was made available by CBS to respond to questions about conditions on the set.

Taylor and her mother, and another participant and his mother, all spoke enthusiastically about the show and said they believed the conditions on the set were adequate. But Divad, an 11-year-old girl from Fayetteville, Ga., whose mother wrote the letter of complaint and who was burned with hot grease while cooking, said she would not repeat the experience. She said there was no adult supervision of the cooking operation when she was hurt, although there often was an adult “chef” present in the kitchen.

CBS might need some help with their ratings, but a show that depicts cruelty to children sounds like a contract with the devil. Kid Nation debuts on September 19, 2007. I’ll be curious to find out what people think.

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Being hailed as a saint on one side and a “punisher of thought crimes” on the other, a California judge recently issued a restraining order against self-proclaimed pedophile Jack McClellen ordering him to keep at least 30 feet away from any child or be arrested.

This article names a few people who believe the restraining order violated McClellen’s first amendment rights and assert that until he actually molests a child (or is caught — it wouldn’t surprise me if he already has), that his taking pictures of toddler girls, posting them on his website, and explaining to other pedophiles where to find them and observe little girls (which they refer to as “LGs”) for sexual gratification is all perfectly legal.

As a result, his case has stirred debate, particularly since his arrest on Monday, over whether attempting to restrict unseemly behavior that isn’t criminal violates a person’s constitutional rights.

“There is no law against someone making you feel uncomfortable,” said Laurie Levenson, a former federal prosecutor and a Loyola Law School professor. “There’s a line to cross and I don’t think he has yet. He’s tiptoeing around the law.”

My question is…what about the rights of a toddler or a child? Don’t they have any privacy rights? Don’t they deserve to be protected from sexual depravity and exploitation?

Why isn’t this behavior illegal??

Why do pedophiles have more rights than small children? What makes a pedophile more important than a baby or child? I just don’t get it.

I mean, why should a 3 year old, or a 4, 5, 6 year old, or any child be aware that there are creepy men that lust after them and if they want to take their picture, put it up on the internet and/or sit next to them and sexually fantasize about them, then they just have to deal. If a man wants to sit underneath a playground set and look up a small child’s skirt, is society obligated to protect that right???

That should be unacceptable to any human being with any decency.

We need law makers to act. Unfortunately, our laws are not adequate for this new internet threat. Our founding fathers could not have had the foresight to imagine a loophole would exist to make the exploitation of children legal.

This is not okay. It should never be okay.

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This story absolutely breaks my heart.

Three Canadian boys, ages 7 - 9 years old, stripped a 6-year-old boy naked and pushed him into a lake where he drowned.

In Canada, nothing can be done to prosecute the boys, since they’re all under 12 — in my opinion a gross injustice. I’m not saying to throw them in maximum security prison, but really, nothing? No punishment at all? They will get away with it and in my opinion, since most bullies have parents that are also bullies, this will be the first of a long string of abuse and violence they will exhibit throughout their lives without proper intervention.

The boy, Adam Keeper, drowned because he didn’t know how to swim. He was only 6 years old and now these bullies will feel no consequences for what they did.

What makes a child so evil? What turns children into cold blooded murderers?

We are well past the days of telling children to simply “suck it up” when teased and tormented by other kids. You cannot “suck it up” when you’re dealing with sociopathic children. Even in America, we need much stiffer laws regarding bullies and the management of bullies. In my opinion, bullies should be removed from their homes as any child of neglect would be as it directly reflects a parents ability to manage and nurture their child. Parents have an obligation to teach their child empathy and to make sure their anger is directed properly. Plus, bullying can manifest itself from other emotional problems the child is suffering, but it is never appropriate to displace those emotional deviancies on other children. I have to wonder if these bullies are not being abused themselves.

Or, are there children that are just born “bad”?

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The other day, I left work to go to lunch — I was eating in the car, overlooking a very fungi infested pond. All was routine until I suddenly noticed that I forgot to bring a drink. It was really hot out, maybe 92 degrees or so, so I decided to run over to the 7-11 and grab a soda or something.

Now, I normally don’t look into people’s cars, especially minivans with tinted windows (almost black-out windows under the bright light of the sun), but something made me peer into the back seat as I went to shut my car door. A pair little pink shoes caught my eye, and attached to them was a little body in a car seat. Upon further peeking, I noticed four toddler eyes peering back at me.

As I walked to the door, a young dad approached. I couldn’t help but give him the evil eye — he looked around, jumped in his minivan and took off.

Don’t people know by now how dangerous it is to leave little kids in a car while running errands? Even a quick errand?

So, I go about my business, buy my soda and walk out, and you wouldn’t believe it! Parked next to me is an SUV, again, with the dark, tinted windows. What are the odds? So, I took a quick peek and low-and-behold, another toddler and an infant are sitting there, in the back-seat.

WTF, I thought. Am I being filmed or something??

The mom walks out with a bag of ice. I remember even exchanging small talk in the check-out line about Lindsay Lohan’s loser antics on the cover of People magazine that week.

Now, I know those kids were only in the car maybe 3 minutes tops, but still! The mom had the keys in her hand, which I’m still undecided about what’s better — leaving the car running with air-conditioning in heat that could quickly turn into a fatal situation in as little as 10 minutes, or running the risk of having some idiot swipe your car with your kids still in it!

It reminded me of a story one of my previous babysitters told me that her Polish immigrant sister-in-law and how her visa was going to be revoked after she left her kids in the car to go pay cash for her gas. Apparently, someone narced her out, took her license plate number and police wound up on her doorstep and took her to jail. She didn’t spend a night in the joint, but she was booked. I guess it’s illegal in most states to leave your kids in the car, even for one minute.

Have we all been there, or should we just know better? What are these parents thinking?

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Today, The Imperfect Parent presents the first of a three part series about online predators and their reach into the mainstream. This is specifically geared towards parents who belong to parenting websites and blogs, as you may be surprised at the way pedophiles online think, their various antics, and how they use the internet to support their criminal behavior and provide information on our very own children.

Makes me wonder if technology has presented a danger that provides the venue for child predators to bring child exploitation to an unprecedented level:

Most parents certainly have an awareness of the threats of children being online, where they can easily fall victim of their own naiveté. We may even feel fully informed of the dangers that lurk within the bandwidth, as shows like “To Catch a Predator” gain popularity and stories of internet predators become common place within the news wires. But these stories only scratch the surface — parents might be surprised to learn that pedophiles, in their desperate attempts to be close to children and prey on their vulnerability, are using the anonymity of the internet to organize themselves in a united front and are now attempting to infiltrate parenting sites and blogs. They cloak and misrepresent themselves in order to gain trust so that they can plead their cases in effort to influence society’s reaction to child molestation; their goal is to normalize and mainstream pedophilia.

Read the rest….

UPDATE: The other 2 parts of the series are now online:

Cyber Warriors - A new breed of superheroes battle online child predators.

Chris Hansen - The famous face of the To Catch a Predator series talks about his motivation, his new book, and the most disturbing thing he’s witnessed during production.

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