In case you hadn’t heard, there was an itty bitty conference in Chicago over the weekend, and Navy Pier was overrun with estrogen and vaginas. Since the Windy City is the home of IP headquarters, we thought we would try to latch on to the fun and reap the benefit of seeing great writers and friends while skipping sitting through the Feed Your Family Writing About Your Cat seminar.

We started with a pre-festivities gathering on Thursday night, hoping to lure our columnists and a handful of others into our trap with the offer of free alcohol. And it worked! (If you were not invited don’t be insulted, it’s us not you. OK, maybe a little bit you.)

For entertainment, we had Helen from Electronic Arts showing off the new Wii dance/karaoke game Boogie. Why, you ask? Because not only did it sound like fun, but I’m a cheap bastard and she offered to provide the booze. And how did I show my gratitude? By messing with the complicated A/V setup at our party space, managing to knock out the side panel of the entertainment center where it proceeded to fall on all 82 pounds of Helen leaving a nice gash in her forearm. A little word of wisdom to all you wannabe big time internet publishers out there:

DO NOT MAIM YOUR CORPORATE SPONSOR.

Fortunately that was the only injury of the night, besides the damage done to the buffet and liquor cabinet.

View the photographic evidence:

continue reading…

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Like so many others who have lived in a large city their entire life, I’ve become desensitized to the interesting characters that inhabit the streets of Chicago — unfortunately, so much so that these people have become less human being than cartoon character. There’s Burlap Guy, a hulking man with a long beard clad in layers of elaborately put together burlap sacks. Or Jesus Guy, who I would see walking up and down the streets of the Lakeview neighborhood donning a crown of thorns and carrying a large cross on his shoulders which was apparently made out of cardboard. Or Crazy Mary, flashing her old, wrinkly breast to get drunken frat boys to throw her coins along Rush Street. But despite their differences, they all have the unmistakable air of desperate homelessness, with their obvious mental illness either the cause of it or because of it. Which is why it was rather jarring when I came across this man, who apparently has a beef with someone at the FBI:

The comment thread at Chicagoist has some insight (and albeit, some complete bullshit) about this man’s obvious despair.

View all of our random crap

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I was ready to work up a case of righteous indignation about useless bureaucracy, misguided priorites, blah, blah, but this is just so incredibly laughable I couldn’t even manage it. It seems that Illinois Representative Mary Flowers, a Democrat from Chicago, wants to require by law that all Chicago schoolchildren need to “wash their hands with antiseptic soap before eating.” The less fruitcake portion of her proposal states that the school district would need to upgrade bathrooms and hand-washing stations so they meet “nationally accepted standards.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hand washing freak. I keep a mini bottle of Purell in the car, and I’m one of those who uses a paper towel to exit a public restroom — in extreme cases, awaiting someone else to come in and allow me to prop the door open with my foot and slip out. So I get it. I’m not trying to be all, “Back in my day we got E. coli, and we liked it!” What I find ridiculous is that Flowers thinks this could possibly be implemented and enforced. My 3rd grader only has about 15 minutes to eat as it is, how will they fit in lining up several hundred kids for digit inspection? “You have dirty fingernails — no soup for you!”

Trying to make her case, Flowers started throwing out hyperbole claiming that her bill “could save lives.” As she probably noticed the audience’s eyeballs collectively rolling to the back of their skulls, she added, “or at least reduce absenteeism in city schools.” It’s all nice in theory, but since the Chicago public school system doesn’t exactly enjoy a reputation for quality education, Flowers may want to focus her efforts elsewhere — like maybe making sure kids actually graduate?

Obscure reference help here.

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Oh, and don’t think they haven’t. Those of you that already have a fear of flying might want to stop reading at this point…

The Associated Press is reporting that a United Airlines passenger David Sullivan, while flying from Chicago’s O’Hare Airport to Vermont, awoke from a nap and felt something strange:

“My right leg felt like it was asleep, but that was isolated to one spot, and it felt like it was being jabbed with a sharp piece of plastic or something.”

The second sting came after the plane had landed and the Sullivans were waiting for their bags at the luggage carousel. Sullivan rolled up his cuff to investigate, and the scorpion fell out.

That’s right, a MOTHERFUCKING SCORPION. The airline believes the stowaway probably climbed aboard on the plane’s previous flight from Houston to Chicago. The money quote comes from Sullivan’s wife:

“The airlines tell you can’t bring water or shampoo on a plane,” Helena Sullivan said. But the scorpion did make it aboard, she said.

Note the lack of quotation marks on the second part of that — I’m guessing it’s because she used a bit spicier language than what was reported. Well, at least I can fly in ease because I’m sure it’s an isolated incident…HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! Scorpions are the new snakes are the new sharks! Does Al Gore’s global warming scare include a mass animal revolt? Or is this merely a brilliant viral marketing campaign for “SoaP 2″?

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A few days ago, Jay Allen documented the crushing 1/32″ of ice that brought Seattle to its knees. In contrast, I bring you the view of my own backyard earlier today. Here you go, you latte-drinking dirty hippies, this is what winter really looks like:

That’s right, motherfuckers, that’s no wimpy “crust”, you’re looking at over 12 inches of snow in less than six hours. For a little visual perspective, here’s my car:

We also make sure there’s plenty of black ice under all that snow because that is how we roll (or slide, as the case may be).

And when weather like this happens, do we go crying to our mommies and shut down the whole city? No way. We dig ourselves out of our parking space, throw our shit in the street, and get our asses to work. My wife called to see if her office was open today, and human resources said, “You can feel free to take the day off, you big baby — an UNPAID day off. ”

So remember that next time you coasters want to make fun of the rubes in fly-over country, because we’ll beat you with our snow shovels — while not wearing a coat, coats are for the weak — and leave you to die in a snow drift.

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TeacherX is a new blog by an anonymous teacher who wants to take the inadequate Chicago Public School system to task, and pull its shortcomings out of the shadows kicking and screaming. “TeacherX” offers an interesting inside look at a large city public school system, and seems to be poising him/herself to be a big whistleblower. Now that school has started today, things should get really juicy… here’s the mission statement from his/her first post:

It’s not the kids. It’s never the kids. It isn’t their fault the system is what it is. Don’t ever blame the kids. Not only won’t I discuss my students, I won’t discuss where I teach. This blog is solely to discuss (and quite frankly make fun of) the bizarre policies and unpredictable behavior of the Chicago Public Schools…

I realize this might have limited regional appeal, but it is another interesting example of how the internet can be used for activism and awareness, even locally. I would imagine it could even have a greater effect when used on a micro level, as the people/agencies involved with less power are more motivated by public opinion and press. And besides, Chicago is the second largest city in the United States.

What’s that? Yes, I’ve heard of Los Angeles. Los Angeles doesn’t count. L.A. is a bunch of suburbs dreaming to be a city. A city is a cohesive structure, full of hard working productive people that contribute endless amounts to the economy, culture, and society at large. L.A. is full of shitty bands and overpaid, self-righteous actors who only produce market-tested crap that allows the rest of us to rot our brains. Even the computer industry knew well enough to move 400 miles north. Fuck you, L.A., we’re the true “Second City”, bee-yotch.

MIDWEST SIDE, REPRESENT!

Hat tip: Chicagoist

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