A lot of thought, or at least you’d hope. After all of the commotion over celebrity baby naming over the last few years, you’d think the “civilians” among us would learn from those “on high” and have some good sense in chosing the monikers for their offspring.

Michael Malone over at the New York Times apparently feels the same way, having gone through the agonizing process of picking “Charlotte” from more than 60,000 on the lists and books out there to help him decide.

We went through a similar process when naming our two. We have a rather challenging Polish last name, so we wanted to keep the first name somewhat simple and easy to spell. Our criteria also included:

No names of SUVs: Sorry Sierra, Dakota, Tahoe, etc. You belong in a garage, not a crib.
No brand names: Apple, Armani, or Chanel. I agree with these folks - As much as I love Steve jobs, there will be no product placement in the nursery please.
Avoid names of slutty or women of angst as captured in song. We’re big Cake fans, but this killed Jolene and Daria from our list. This also kills Roxanne.
No stripper names: Really, with toys like these on the market, do we really need to strap her to the tracks with “Chastity” or “Destiny”?

So, now that I’ve probably ticked off at least half of the people who read this, tell me. What are/were your criteria for picking a name?

On the auspicious ocassion of this Father’s Day I think it only fitting to bring up a rather touchy subject. What’s a day that’s all about family without bringing up something sure to piss nearly everyone off anyway?

Recently, I have begun to branch out in my daily newspaper reading. Now that I have discovered the birth announcements, I am no longer confined to the police blotter to keep up with the myriad ways humans can commit crimes against the innocent. When it comes to giving children outlandish names designed to say (about the parents, mind you) “look at ME” I really do think there ought to be a law.

Don’t believe me? Just read your local paper’s birth announcements. There you will see for yourself that there really are people who name their children “Alltruism” and “Hayllheigh.”

continue reading…

Last weekend, I took the kids out and about for errands and more Christmas shopping. I tend to bribe them more when they’re being good than when they’re naughty and it just happened to be a good day for us. Saturdays are usually our McDonald’s day — they have their ration of chicken nuggets and fries about once a week. Judge if you wish, but mind your own business because I’m not looking for advice, m’kay?

So, after McDonald’s, haircuts, doctors appointments, errands, and holiday shopping, I offered to take the kids for more crappy food-stuffs and stop by our local, old-fashioned candy store.

“Yay!”

I was their favorite parent.

So, we get there and I hand them their own bucket and give them a budget of $2 each. The store has a lot of 2 cent candies, so they can stretch their dollars. I saw a chocolate snowman I thought my youngest would like and called out, “Graham! Graham! Look what I found!”

Then, this middle-aged, Nosey-Nelly turns to me and asks, “Did you say, “Graham”? Is his name Graham??”

Completely expecting her to tell me that was her deceased husband’s name or something by the way she was so shocked, I replied, “Yes. Graham.”

“Oh, dear,” she says, nose turned up. “Nobody’s named John or Michael anymore. It’s all these names you’ve never heard of.”

“I believe Graham is actually a pretty common British name.” I turned up my nose back at her.

How insulting is that? I felt like she was accusing my kids of being named some goofy, yuppy-centric, stupid-spelling, made up name. I hate those names. That’s not me at all. I wish I knew where she lived, I would either stalk her until she understood that I’m not that guy or I would egg her car.