Cynical Parenting Apologist: All Out of Snark Part II
Posted
February 5, 2007 at
5:37 pm by
Redsy
Recently, I’ve been first in line to criticize hip parenting, and the propensity for parentographers to take undue pride in swearing, drinking, cynicism, and ingratitude to the fertility gods. In her rant against parenting memoirs like Neal Pollack’s Alternadad, Lisa Carver captures the essence of the problem beautifully:
As a generation (X), what we know for sure is how to be sarcastic and irreverent. Parenthood is bigger than that. It inspires thankfulness, humility, rage,…wonder and a quiet sense of sacredness.
Parenthood is indeed bigger than the swearing, drinking, and the incipient hostility with which we approach all authority and institutions (how many divorces did we personally witness before age 20?). And nothing brings home the painful insufficiency of cynical disbelief more than having children, that series of moments requiring an absolutely strong infrastructure of hope, faith, and trust.
But after a little over a month writing for Babble’s Stoller Derby I now recognize that while hip/trendy/cynical parenting for its own sake is just silly, the posing and posturing has its own validity and purpose. I’m not talking about money and cool baby bags, I still think that stuff is gruelingly dull.
I mean those stands we take to protect ourselves from the hugely scary task of parenting. Sometimes the armor of analysis and trash talk is the only thing keeping me from shrinking from the absolutely terrifying weight of my love for my children. For some of us, having children is like learning about the day of one’s death. You know there is an end to this life (they leave home), yet you cannot let it stop you from digging in and feeling the horrible love and knowing that these people that you cherish will be the people who will eventually (slowly) break your heart. And so. You quietly whisper a prayer and and say “Amen.” So be it. So be it.
Tags: all out of snark, Babble, CrankMama, cynical parenting apologist, Parenting, Stoller Derby
All Out of Snark: The Problem of Hip Parenting…
Posted
January 16, 2007 at
1:08 pm by
Redsy
As a recent contributor to Nerve.com’s new parenting blog “Stroller Derby” I’ve been charged with reporting on recent events and developments with a hip and clever twist. I’m as keen on swearing as the next gal, and I find jokes about the number of drinks required to survive a snow day quite amusing.
But oh me oh my, even I am growing weary of my own cynicism. It is not Babble’s fault that I’m running out of steam. Twice daily blogging is exhausting, even if it is good for one’s Google ranking.
My initial intent, when I started writing CrankMama less than a year ago, was to give voice to what I felt was an underrepresented segment of the mothering world: the unpretty, non-knitting, domestically challenged working babes who were not always fascinated by the travails of the family bed or the joys of teaching their children Spanish before age two.
But I’m afraid I’ve merely swapped one dogma for another. Being hip and trendy is just as limited and defining as any religion, or quilting bee, or PTA meeting ever was. And maybe moreso because those of us circling around in this group are often laboring under the isolation and cynicism of our choices.
And missing the lovely beauty of our sweet elves as they grab at our legs and beg us away from our computers.
Tags: Humor, Parenting Sex Education Overboard!!
Posted
December 21, 2006 at
4:59 pm by
Redsy
**WARNING: The following is intended as satire. I do not recommend sex education for toddlers or preschoolers, or really anyone under about 15 for that matter**
According to a recent study by Columbia University researchers, declines in teen pregnancy are linked to use of contraception, rather than abstinence among teenagers. While this obviously comes as a blow to the Bush Administration, I think it???‚¬?„?s a boon to those of us who believe that the more children know about sex, the earlier they know it, the better. While many would be reticent to admit it, most parents secretly believe sex and contraceptive education should begin as early as 6 weeks of age.
If you???‚¬?„?re anything like me, you frequently wrack your brains trying explain sex, reproduction and the importance of epidurals during childbirth to your young toddlers.
Luckily, there???‚¬?„?s now a resource for parents like us: Amamanta (olde englishe for ???‚¬?“look at my hoochie???‚¬??) sells educational dolls that are anatomically correct and ethnically diverse. At Amamanta the facts of life are presented with an unabashed under the microscope clarity and plainness that will leave your children stunned with the power of their new knowledge.
If your kids are anything like mine, they frequently pepper you with annoying sex related questions like, ???‚¬?“Mommy, what are orgasms????‚¬?? and ???‚¬?“Mommy, why are women so often unsatisfied sexually????‚¬??
It???‚¬?„?s exhausting.
With Amamanta, you can finally put your mind at ease. As an added bonus, these dolls can help get you around other knotty existential and philosophical questions, especially those asked during those precociously preoccupied with sex preschool years.
Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, does it hurt when a baby is born????‚¬??
A: ???‚¬?“No darling, not really.???‚¬??
Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, does size matter????‚¬??
A: ???‚¬?“In this case, dear, yes it does.???‚¬??
Q: ???‚¬?“Mommy, when grandma and grandpa get old and die, what will happen to them????‚¬??
A: ???‚¬?“That depends. That really depends.???‚¬??
And remember, ???‚¬?“These cuddly cloth dolls are great for playtime and can also be used as sex education props when explaining the human reproductive cycle to boys and girls ages 3 to 9???‚¬?? [emphasis added].
Tags: amamanta, Humor, preschool, sex education Fighting the Urge to Look Away…
Posted
December 15, 2006 at
2:26 am by
Redsy
From today’s Bellingham Herald:
About 4 p.m. on May 29, law enforcement officers were called to a house in the 4100 block of Tiopi Loop, where an adult was performing CPR on 4?‚??-monthold Tyrell Jackson. Attempts at resuscitation failed and firefighters noticed Tyrell was ???‚¬?“emaciated and appeared to be nothing more than skin and bones.”
Further investigation found that the infant in question had been starved to death.
According to the investigators, it takes “weeks” for a baby to die of malnutrition. The mother in the case is now being charged with first degree murder.
While historically infanticide has been a feature of societies including ancient India, China, and Greece among others, the modern propensity to murder our children seems particularly stark, given the degree of medical advances and options for population control we’ve achieved.
According to Dr. Larry Milner, of the Society for the Prevention of Infanticide, infanticide is directly correlated to maternal age, level of education and employment, drug abuse, poverty and other criminal behavior. Women are more likely than men to murder their babies, with white women more likely than black women to do so. “Most of the murders today are committed with the use of the mother’s hands, either by strangulation or physical punishment,” states Dr. Milner.
A 1998 article on CNN.com, points out that the ability of caseworkers to intervene when risk of severe abuse and neglect are present has been crippled by the double-punch of funding cuts and increased need for service.
“Most of the million cases of child abuse each year end up on the desk of the nation’s child protective services caseworkers, who must make life and death decisions even though they lack adequate time, tools and money to protect children.”
One can imagine it has only gotten worse since 1998.
What is one to make of this? Will more money, more programs help dissuade those on the edge from harming or killing their children? I know some of my favorite Libertarians disagree, but I have to believe that structural and endemic changes are required in order for these key risk factors to be addressed and in order for these moms to not feel so desperate that the only option they see is ending their child’s life.
Tag: News & Politics Men Like Baskets Too…
Posted
December 8, 2006 at
4:06 pm by
Redsy
A few months ago, I attended a benefit auction where the hottest selling item was a wheelbarrow full of beer. My friend and I jokingly called it a “man basket” and were amazed at the price it fetched (at least 300% of its true retail value. Men, especially those dragged to benefit auctions, usually have to choose from spa days or handmade earrings, or wine & cheese tasting. Rarely are they given an opportunity to bid on or receive a truly creative gift: the man basket.
This holiday season, I’m determined to find an alternative to the drastically expensive and obvious man-gifts such as flat screen TVs, IPods, new cars, and fancy drills. I’m taking the cue from the hyper-bidding men at that auction and assembling something more creative for my hubs:
Here are some things I might include:
- ticket to clean his car inside & out
- ticket good for one date to a movie of his choosing
- an “artistic” picture of you
- one get out of chore-jail free card (to be used when he’s in charge of a chore that he needs a break from)
- certificate for one or more totally free day or evening of his choosing to do whatever he likes
Any other good ideas out there?
Tags: affordable presents for him, certificates, Humor, man baskets 1950s Parenting: Something to Aspire to?
Posted
November 17, 2006 at
9:25 am by
Redsy
In a recent New York Times, reporter Stacy Lu wrote a piece called “Cosmopolitan Moms” about a group of women who gather for play dates and cocktails. As you might imagine, the usual debates about drinking in front of kids ensued, as well as some keen observations about the need for some parents to loosen up.
What got my attention was this paragraph:
Some say the mother get-togethers are a throwback to the 1950s, when adults had more time to themselves and children were not always the center of attention. Martinis were in vogue; today???‚¬?„?s obsessive, hard-driving, Harvard-or-bust parenting scene was not.
It appears that our generation of parents (especially the Gen Xers) idealize the wise parents of the 1950s…those crazy folks who played mah jong and drank gin rickeys while their children wandered (free of kidnappers and pedophiles) around the safe open spaces of their small and friendly neighborhoods.?‚? A time when “Go play outside and stop bothering me!” and “children are to be seen and not heard” were sufficient to the task.
As the world would soon learn, many people were miserable. By the time the 1960s & 1970s rolled around, many of these sisters burned bras, joined consciousness raising groups, ate carob, and divorced like it was going out of style. It wan’t really ever Leave it to Beaver for most families.
And while there has definitely been a spooky shift in the center of the parenting world toward kid-worship, I’m not sure the other way of doing things was as great as we think.
Remember Dr. Spock? He revolutionized parenting by suggesting that children were complex people worthy of affection as well as discipline, and that babies couldn’t be spoiled by being picked up too much.
Hugging your children and picking up babies as a revolutionary idea? That doesn’t sound very fabulous to me
Parents don’t need to refer to the 1950s in order to justify taking time for themselves. And on the weeks when drinking (before, during, or after) a playdate is the high point of my week, I know it’s time to recalibrate my notion of fun.
Tag: Parenting ‘Me’ Time in Milan?
Posted
November 3, 2006 at
1:18 pm by
Redsy
Recently, the New York Times printed a piece on working moms who use business travel as an opportunity to find some ‘me’ time. Titled, “Working Mothers Find Some Peace on the Road,” the opening paragraph begins thusly:
Before Lucia Skwarek, a portfolio manager and mother in New York City, gets on a plane bound for business in Moscow or Milan, there are not only meetings, but play dates to schedule. When she is done wooing investors for her hedge fund and parsing a pile of e-mail messages, though, Ms. Skwarek looks forward to a little ???‚¬?“me???‚¬?? time.
As you might expect, the piece generated excoriating remarks as well as cries of recognition and support from working mothers. I found the article interesting, but I found the comments it evoked fascinating.
Here is a remark typical of the ‘excoriating’ variety:
If a woman doesn???‚¬?„?t feel that she can be a mother without ???‚¬?“time away,” perhaps she should re-think her priorities and/or consider not having children. I have been an at home mother for the past year and a half and have not once wished for a ???‚¬?“vacation???‚¬?? from my family.
And on the other side, this:
I used to get to the airport early just to be able to sit and read. The plane trip itself became enjoyable. I did minimize my travel when my sons were young and missed them, but a good night???‚¬?„?s sleep was pure heaven. An unforeseen advantage of leaving children with their fathers is that it gives the fathers extra time to bond with their children.
Aside from the obvious point that this article deals with a relatively well-off minority of business travelers (’me’ time in Milan? Come on) and seems newsworthy primarily because it’s about business women, it raises some interesting questions for today’s parents:
- What amount of ‘me’ time is reasonable?
- Do children suffer if parents travel for work or is it an important opportunity to build their relationship to other caregivers?
- What is the difference between ’self-care’ and plain old ’selfish’?
Arguably, earlier generations’ self-sacrifice and self-abnegation created resentment and martyrdom, but sometimes I fear my generation is taking the opposite tack a bit too far.
Can’t we take loving care of our children and ourselves? By their nature, children (especially young ones) have needs that supercede the needs of adults. Security, love, comfort, and safety (not to mention 800 meals a day) are so critical in the early years, that a little selflessness is a small price for parents to pay. Yet a stressed out, depressed, and miserable person doesn’t parent as well as one who occasionally has an opportunity to replenish and renew his or her energies.
In the end, I think these are incendiary issues because people realize that when it comes to the care of children, we’re predicting the sort of society we all stand to inherit in the next 10 - 20 years. According to the commenters on the NY Times article, it will either be a world full of selfish terrors, or one populated by polite, other-centered individuals.
I think the truth lies somewhere in between.
Tag: News & Politics Good News for Crankpots
Posted
October 21, 2006 at
1:26 pm by
Redsy
My favorite Mensan was thrilled to discover the following article in his monthly newsletter this morning:
“Exciting news from the world of sociological research:?‚? A recent study suggests that upon reaching 60, disagreeable people…maintain a higher level of intelligence than more mellow seniors…?‚? Apparently, these individuals have a higher vocabulary, allowing for more creative insults, and maintain a better knowledge of facts… The authors of the study found that these results ‘ suggest that superior intellectual …ability is relatively strongly associated with low agreeableness scores…”?‚?
It turns out that the personality traits likely to get one kicked out of PTA meetings and neighborhood block parties, are extremely helpful in preserving one’s intelligence into the later decades of one’s life.
Who knew?
Tag: Humor 30 Seconds to a Happier You…
Posted
October 16, 2006 at
3:48 pm by
Redsy
One of the fantasies I employ while writing here at the Imperfect Parent (and also when I write at CrankMama), is the dream that once in awhile you hardworking imperfectionists will laugh and feel better about yourselves (or at least better than me) after reading.
To this end, I’ve created this handy list for you. Start your superiority complex engines:
On childrearing & domestic duties…
1. How often my children eat vegetables - once a week
2. Frequency of bathroom cleaning - once every 4 - 6 weeks
3. What we had for dinner tonight - waffles with peanut butter (Them), quiche (Us)
4. How often I swear around my children, despite half-assed (see?) attempts to stop - daily
On being a good wife…
5. Ratio of compliments given to hubs versus received by him - 1/20
6. Frequency of sex - not going to tell but it would make you feel superior if you knew
On exercise…
7. Who me?
On losing and gaining weight after having V…
8. Gained 43, lost 40, gained 8 more = 11 pounds more to love
9. See #7 above
On being high maintenance…
10. Number of hair products, ungents, pills, potions, hours of sleep, hugs, and kisses it takes me to begin each day - 1500
Tag: Humor Diary of a Fuss Survivor
Posted
October 13, 2006 at
4:51 pm by
Redsy
It seems unlikely that my children will outgrow their tantrums, tears, and whining anytime soon, so I’ve decided to try to generate some coping strategies that are perhaps more constructive than 1pm glasses of wine and elaborate fantasies involving me on an island with a 20-something sex god.
I’ve tried various methods of dealing with the continued fussiness of my (now) 4 1/2 year old twin girls, including trying to set firm limits, reasoning with them, putting them in time-out, reading about their development so I’m more empathetic and understanding of their plight, ignoring bad behavior & etc. Like a crash dieter strung out on too few calories, I feel shaky and empty from all the seemingly fruitless effort. As they’ve gotten older (out of the horrid 3’s), they’ve gotten less loud in the screeching and crying department, but I confess to feeling tired of the whole mess of emotional upheaval that seems to accompany raising young children (girls?).
I find myself wishing for time to simply pass so that they can reach some sort of age of rationality and reason. Or at least reach an age where tantrums in front of their peers would be so embarrassing they’d stop.
People often say things like “when your kids are older you’ll miss how adorable they are when they’re small,” but I’ve noticed that these are almost always people with kids either grown or of an age where the 0 - 5 year olds seem adorable and cuddly, like a distant dream.
Truthfully, when they’re being cute and precocious and sweet and saying things like “momma, will you help me brush my teeefff?” and I think about Kindergarten next year, I do get sentimental. But then someone throws a fit in the next room about her block being stolen by the baby and I’m immediately brought back to reality with a clunk.
I know someday I might miss the yelling, and the chaos, and the hell-hole dirty house.
Until then… I guess it’s me and that sweet yard boy on the island.
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