Hey Mark Zuckerberg, are you listening? I can fix Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg still has things to learn. Photo via Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg, you’ve had a busy week. You got married, took Facebook public, took public scorn for your initial IPO letdown. But you’re still rich and you will continue to get richer, which is why you seem to have dismissed the whole user experience of Facebook. Now Yahoo! is trying to lure you away with even more money and we’re left in the dust, sweeping up the mess that you left for us.

In light of your busy schedule, I, the mother of five, and a Facebook fan — to which my enthusiasm is waning, wanted to offer you a solid and help you out a little here.

Here are ways to get your mojo back:

1. Get rid of Timeline

Timeline sucks big hairy donkey balls. It detracts from the user experience and it reminds us that we are mere peasants in the fortress of King Zuckerberg. Why thou do Facebook forsake reason for madness? Everybody hates Timeline. I know that you probably spent ‘eff you’ money on consultants to come up with such a skillfully crafted bad idea, but it’s time to let go of the timeline. As soon as you hire consultants, the party’s over. Consultants are just another way of saying you’re plumb out of good ideas and have too much money — solution? Consultants! They are bad people Mark. They take your money and then they have lavish parties for which they mock your naivete. It’s the Emperors New Clothes.

Cut your losses Mark. Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke. You can do this. You’re a Harvard grad! Go back to the old Facebook.

Do it.

Do it before it’s too late.

2. Charge commercial sites for their fan pages

Okay, so the owners of IP may not appreciate this suggestion but I give you this business tip as a mere commoner. One who doesn’t want to pay for Facebook privileges myself and wishes to stick it the big, bad, corporate greedy bastards who owe my entitled, self absorbed ass a little somethin’. Let them foot a little entertainment for once! Seriously, why offer them free pages like they are one of us? In fact, you should charge your own bad self for your Facebook page as you’ve become a brand unto yourself. Why give big companies FREE advertising? You’re really missing the boat here Mark. It’s called trickle down economics. Look into it.

3. Keep Facebook free but charge for extra privacy tools

We get it. You sell our surfing habits. Who doesn’t? That’s so 2011. On top of that, you give us really smarmy ads that nobody clicks on. It’s a conundrum. But how about this?…Bottom feeders can use your service for free, but they have to pay the piper, meaning they may not get all the bells and whistles they want. (You can just respond, “Hey wuddaya want for free?”)

Some people have BMW taste on a Kia budget and as much as they want to drive the BMW, they cannot. You know why? Cuz they don’t want to (or can’t) afford it. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a Kia, right? Gets ya where ya wanna go.

So, some people want to lock their pages down like Fort Knox. Maybe they’re paranoid or maybe they’re running from the law or bill collectors or they’re being all hypocritical and confusing by being anti-social on a social networking site. Who knows? But there lies your opportunity. Create privacy tools which are easy to use and implement. Charge a premium for privacy tools that aren’t hidden! See, we’re onto you! Create other cool tools and charge $9.95 a year for the premium, safe-zone private edition. With over 500 million users, even if only 20% are privacy nuts, that’s almost a billion dollars a year in revenue. And then people will get all jelly of their friend’s nifty tools and they’ll jump aboard, just like they did when Facebook was first introduced.

So, there ya go. I didn’t even need a Harvard degree to figure it out. Instead I did this all from my one bedroom apartment!