Unsolicited advice for Jon and Kate
Posted
June 23, 2009 at
11:48 pm by
Marge
The Interwebs have been aflutter over Jon and Kate 
Gosselin. Who did what to whom? How much of a role did the cameras play in the disintegration of their relationship? Did their greed compromise their judgment as parents and as life partners? Who cheated on whom? It’s easy to point fingers, especially since they’ve chosen to live their lives so publicly.
I have no great sympathy for their claims that the media should back off, respecting their privacy as a family. When you open your life as they have (and as I have on my blog), you have to take the good with the bad. There will be those that love you no matter what. There will be people who will celebrate every stumble and heartbreak you experience. Others will question everything you do. It’s part and parcel of the deal.
In the end, though, what we have is a couple who is ending their relationship in a very public way. Regardless of my opinions about their relationship and parenting choices, I can’t help but watch their faces and see so much that is familiar.
I saw it months ago, the lack of physical contact, the emotional detachment, the harsh words that were only half-joking. They got further and further from each other. Soon, that interview couch could not have been long enough.
Eyes were swollen. Walls were up. The end was near.
They stopped joint interviews. Each took his/her turn with the cameras. The end was imminent.
The time they spent together with the children reminded me of the parallel play of toddlers. Functioning in the same space, but barely aware of the existence of the other. No empathy. No connection.
Now it’s over.
Watching last night’s episode reminded me so much of my experience over the last six months. The grief. The hurt. The regret. Playing things over and over in my head. Picking things apart to figure out where we went wrong. What I did. What he did. What we did.
I could see it in them and I hurt for them. I also know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I have two little lights and they have the good fortune to have eight of them. The kids.
So, for the kids, I give Jon and Kate the following advice. Many of it came from the therapists and classes I’ve been to and the books I read, so I won’t claim original authorship by any stretch. Nonetheless, I see many parallels between the Gosselin’s post-split parenting plan and ours, so I’ll share the things that have been especially pertinent in our case.
1. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about them. Put the blame aside and think of the kids in every decision you make. What’s best for them may be a pain in the a$$ for you. Suck it up and deal.
2. If you were frustrated by the lack of control you had in your relationship before, be prepared to have even less. He will have his rules and routines and she will have hers. Structure is good and organic is great, but I can’t find any cases of death-by-breakfast-for-dinner.
3. Be flexible. Kids have this funny way of growing up. Their needs will change over time and so will yours. The arrangements you make now will need to shift at least every six months. Set up basic principles and guidelines to be fair, but expect that things will change.
4. Give before you take. If you expect flexibility, patience, and trust from your co-parent, you’ll need to give it first. You don’t have to be a doormat, but you don’t need to be a scorekeeper either.
5. Be prepared to communicate more than you ever did when you were married. Every hand-off will bring updates on who is up to what, schedules, activities, illnesses, boo-boos, school reports and more. Find a way that works for you. If talking doesn’t work, do it by e-mail. Don’t expect your kids to play messenger, they’ll get the emotions right (e.g., your hurt, anger, and distrust) and the facts wrong, neither of which is good.
6. Be the grown up. Yes, you’re both hurting and divorce is inevitably painful. (It should be. If it wasn’t, everyone would do it.) But venting to your kids or around your kids is not the answer. Be careful how you talk about your ex, even when you think the kids aren’t in earshot. Don’t be afraid to ask well-meaning friends and family to hold off on their editorials. It’s okay to let your kids know that you’re sad, but they need to know that you’re both going to be okay. They need to know that THEY’RE going to be okay. If you need help coping with the situation, get a therapist, meet a friend for lunch, take a walk.
7. Be sure to take care of yourself. Use the time away from the kids to recharge your batteries. Trust that your co-parent has things under control and, although things may not be handled the way that you would do them, the kids are going to be fine. The best gift you can give your kids right now is a happy and healthy mom and dad.
As the season progresses, I am sure there will be plenty of armchair experts out there who will analyze every move they make throughout this whole process. Will the decision to share the household work? Will Jon opt to leave for a job out of state? Will the show remain interesting without the constant tension on the sofa interviews? Are the kids getting too staged?
I’m going to stay out of that. I’m going to wish the Gosselins well and hope they find the healing they need.
Tags: Divorced Parenting, John and Kate Plus 8, Jon and Kate Gosselin, parenting after divorce, parenting-advice, TLC |
17 Responses to “Unsolicited advice for Jon and Kate”
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1. mully
June 24, 2009 @ 12:03 am
Great advice Marge and from someone whos “been there, done that”.
I think that you are that rare individual who really CAN do it the right way. I, unfortunately, have my doubts about the Gosselins. Perhaps Kate, more so than Jon, because I do think that Jon, once away from Kate, will take a more caring attitude towards his kids and possibly even towards Kate. Assuming, of course, that she can stop the blame game (clearly shes not there yet) and assuming that she can avoid the biggest NO!NO! given to all divorced parents: Dont trash Mommy or Daddy to the kids.
Ive seen her already do it during the marriage, there isnt much hope that she wont do it once the marriage is dissolved. The drive to do things like this is pure selfishness and I honestly cant see Kate Gosselin becoming selfless anytime soon.
At the end of the day, however, I really hope I am wrong and you are right and the two of them can find a way to be adults, as they never were in their marriage, and place the needs of their 8 children on a more important scale, than their needs for themselves.
2. Jessica
June 24, 2009 @ 8:23 am
But Jon and Kate are losers in the sense that they didn’t appear to even try to salvage their marriage. They have 8 very good reasons to work extremely hard on making it work.
They’re getting divorced because they won the reality TV lottery and money corrupts people. They aren’t thinking about the children, they’re reasons seem, at least on the surface, purely selfish. They are getting divorced because they can. If TLC never entered their lives, I have no doubt they’d still be together and to get divorced over such superficial reasons is just a cop-out and the opposite of keeping the children’s best interests in mind.
3. Nancy
June 24, 2009 @ 10:31 am
Mully - Thanks for your comment. I hope I’;m right too. I’ve found that, ironically enough, you can find it easier to change the negative behaviors that led to the dissolution of the marriage oncce your out of the relationship. There’s something to be said for a fresh start and a new perspective. I’ll stay hopeful and optimistic that they will take the time to evaluate what led to the end of the marriage and take steps to correct those behaviors in the new relationships they may forge.
Jessica - Thanks for your perspective. As I said in the post, there are plenty of folks that are armchair quarterbacking about why the relationship ended the way it did. In the end, only Jon and Kate will know and each will have their own point of view about it. Personally, from what I’ve seen the core issues would have probably persisted without the cameras. Unfortunately, they used the cameras to talk about their relationship to the world more than they talked to each other. It’s easy to call divorce a cop-out if you haven’t been through it. In some cases, it can be the bravest thing a person can do and yes, giving the kids two happy, healthy parents (who aren’t married anymore) can be in their best interests.
4. Kay Rovik
June 24, 2009 @ 6:50 pm
Talking about Kate Gosselin: ‘It feels like I failed’
Since when did getting a divorce becomes such a nasty event, look around you people, live in glass houses etc. They would have gotten a divorce even without the realty show. Look at the earings that Jon has in both ears, he’s still sowing his oats, he said it, hes only “32″, he’s not ready to settle down. Wait and see in the following years Jon will not spend much time at their house, remember he was looking at renting in the Trump towers. And what a shame he won’t be there to watch his children grow, he will miss everything. You all should be ashamed of yourselves for trashing this couple, we all have failures, look at your own lives
5. Kymberly
June 25, 2009 @ 10:10 am
I always like when someone throws in the obligatory “it’s not good for the kids to see and hear us fight” because y’know J&K are busting up their marriage and family for the children
6. Hypocritic Xtian
June 25, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
More advice - get a Xanax script. If you were whining about the ’stress’ you had before, just wait until you’re on your own trying to manage a litter of 8 kids.
Oh, and whoever is dumb enough to want the kids, sign the rest of your life away, it’s lover now.
7. Jessica
June 25, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
…but she won’t be on her own. She has several maids and several Nannies. That’s why I say the money created an easy path to divorce.
8. Barbra
June 30, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
OMG Kate im so sorry about the split
im very sorry i send my love to you and the kids
9. Barbra
June 30, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
keep being strong kate
10. Deanna
July 12, 2009 @ 11:03 pm
So much of what Jon Gosselin has said and done is so typical of any man having a “junior” midlife crisis. When my husband was 37 and our kids were 6 and 4 I found out he was having an affair.When I confronted him, he denied it, then later admitted it and then blamed me saying I was “controlling and demanding”..that I did not “appreciate him”, that I was not “affectionate with him”, that I was “all about our kids”. He would not discuss it with me after that, did not want to hear my side(that he was never around, hardly helped around the house or with the kids, at all) and he continued to act like an 18 year old frat boy. He said he did not love me anymore. Jon will soon regret his behavior and his decision to divorce. You can change the players but you can’t change the game. JON’s own behavior is what got him to where he is in his marriage and he will just repeat his mistakes with woman after woman. His life is about to get a whole lot more complicated and his kids will pay the price. People can bash Kate, and yes she definitely needs to take the “control freak” behavior down several notches, but if Jon had stepped up to the plate and taken a more active role in his marriage, and even “stood up for himself” earlier, they would not be where they are now and Kate probably would not have been so controlling because she would have seen that he was setting boundaries and “stepping up” that she could step down a bit. Kate is not blameless…I’m sure Jon felt very immasculated and I definitely feel Kate should openly and publicly accept responsibility for making her husband feel like a nobody and apologize. I am sad for both of them but also very angry because they could have worked this out. While the ink was still wet on our seperation agreement, the light went on over my husband’s head, and as for me, I stopped the blame game long enough to realise what MY behavior was doing to him. He stepped up, I took it down a notch. Our marriage was wounded but saved and is now better than ever.
11. Jennifer
July 13, 2009 @ 8:50 am
I’m totally disappointed in Jon! I had my reservations about Kate and so have all of you. But now I can understand her a bit more now. Yes they are divorcing but come on, show some RESPECT! And dont parade your new girlfriend who is a family friend, after a month from announcing your divorce.
Show some class buddy, be the guy we stood up for! Keep your girlfriend private and while you think you have every right to do what you want..because you have eight kids..all you are doing is demonstrating that you care more for yourself than them! Dont forget, you didn’t just leave Kate, you are also leaving your kids.
One day you’ll look back and doing all this in the open will have irreparable damage on the relationship with your kids! Your moments of happiness now will be followed by years of sorrow for what you are doing publicly to these kids!
12. Carolyn J
August 20, 2009 @ 9:20 pm
Marge,
I have to say that hopefully your open letter to Jon and Kate will sink into their brains and wake them up. Nothing else seems to have done that so far. It’s time to stop worrying about how Kate’s appearance looks ie: hair, nails clothes. Time spent at the spas. Jon needs to start looking for some honest work. In fact both of them need to do that. That show is not going to last forever and am sure that it will only last a few years in sindication, I know that I am finished watching it. Who wants to watch people not getting along with each other. I can see that in my own neighborhood. There are many other good shows on tv that make up for not watching J & K + 8.
I think it is time that Kate stop dressing the kids alike and let them be indivaul personalities. They are old enough to pick out their own clothes to wear every day, instead of being dressed like a folk band all the time.
Take this show off the air already.
13. mully
November 6, 2009 @ 1:09 pm
Speaka da english pleeze!
14. Valerie
November 6, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
Did I miss something?
15. Sonja
November 6, 2009 @ 2:18 pm
Valerie, there was a post a few mintues ago that appeared to be written in some type of cyrillic language but it has disappeared.
16. Valerie
November 6, 2009 @ 2:41 pm
Thanks Sonja. I thought I was losing it. LOL
17. gunsvd
November 7, 2009 @ 9:29 pm
Автор, Вы достойны уважения!