Who will attend my funeral?
Posted
March 10, 2009 at
1:52 pm by
Jessica
I could have real life friends if I wanted them.
No, really. I could.
I have no doubt in my mind if I made the slightest effort to be a friend to somebody outside of my 8 - 5 job, that it would be reciprocated. The problem is, as much as I like the idea of having friends and happen to fancy myself a people person, I’m totally unmotivated to put in any sort of effort to do so.
Part of the problem is - I work full time outside the home and when I’m home, I’m doing household chores, taking care of children, going to whatever sports my kids are involved in and working on other business ventures and projects, which are conveniently of the Internet variety and require very little person to person interaction. Before I had children, I had lots of friends. My phone would ring and I would weigh my invitation offerings – hmmm…Rainbow Club or Smart Bar?
Now, the phone hardly rings. My kids aren’t old enough for teenage phone takeover, so when the phone does ring, my kids and my husband and I look at each other with curiosity, “Who could that be?”
Recently, I’ve started to examine my lack of friendships further and wonder who would attend my funeral should a random icicle fall from our frozen gutters and knock me down for good. Of course, enough family members would show up that it may fill a 50 x 50 room, but I would still be humiliated from the grave and I’m not sure I can live with myself knowing that I would be unpopular at my own funeral.
Recently, I joined Facebook in effort to reunite with old friends and start socializing again, not because I particularly enjoy it, but because I want more people to show up at my funeral. I want to make my kids proud of their mom and feel as if she was well liked and had lots of friends yada, yada. The whole reconnecting with old friends worked for a while. I caught up with long, lost ghosts of my past and met them at organized gatherings set up by people that actually like that sort of thing. I went, it was fun and now I feel like I can go another 10 years without mingling and making small talk over a Bacardi and Diet Coke again.
I socialize at work, probably more than my bosses would like. This is plenty for me, but I also know that these are not people that would go to my funeral. I just don’t know them that intimately. Maybe a few would go to my funeral, but not enough to garner a popularity wow factor.
One of my old friends at our Facebook outing encouraged me to call her and get together with her again. She suggested I come over — her and her kids and me and my kids would have so much fun.
“But your kids are so much younger than my kids. They wouldn’t play together,” I responded.
“So what?”, said my “friend”, looking at me as though I was high or something.
I don’t get it. How would that work? Do people do this?? I am not of this world.
Of the few times I did do the Mommy Playdate thing, with one of my kids’ friends parents, all I could think about how annoying their kids were. I couldn’t focus on anything else and any argument between our kids proved to more effort to ignore than deal with, especially on a regular basis. I mean, who has time for that?
I can’t imagine talking on the phone with any friend, I have to have priorities, and after all, I hardly have time to squeeze in American Idol. A woman can only do so much!
So, I ask you, women of the friendship club, how do manage your life, family and friends and is it worth it? I only ask because I find it fascinating that parents have the time or energy to have friends and that anybody is interesting enough to provide that kind of time to.
Personally, I like my Internet friends. Very low maintenance. It’s like owning a luxury townhouse. All the amenities, none of the work.
So, am I the only loser here that doesn’t have a speed dial phone book on her cell phone? There’s nobody I want to speed dial. Is that bad?
Tags: facebook, friendship, funeral, I have no friends, mom friends, playdate, reunion, working-moms |
19 Responses to “Who will attend my funeral?”
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1. Rita
March 10, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
OMG, Jess, I would so go to your funeral! Sheesh! You have a lot of friends from here on IP.
But, as far as real life friends in my area, I have few, too. I’m making some. It’s taken a LONG time though. Katie being part of this program has introduced us to a lot of new people, and we’ve made ourselves a bit of community through taekwondo (those people have fulfilled what we originally thought church would, which shows that the Lord does indeed work through mysterious ways, lol). I am convinced that if I were to die tomorrow, there would be a bunch of local people at my funeral, not necessarily because they like ME so much, but because they’d feel sorry for my husband and my kids for their loss. But, whatever, a warm body filling space, weeping noticeably and saying a prayer is the same regardless for their motivation for being there.
2. Kristy
March 10, 2009 @ 3:03 pm
I have real-life friends, but we don’t talk on the phone. The only people I talk on the phone to for more than quick logistical purposes are friends who live out of town, and those calls are once every couple of months. I IM with my real friends on gmail chat, or we email, but we also get together almost every weekend. These gatherings consist of us sitting around the big dining room table eating aps that everyone makes and having a few drinks while our kids whoop it up in another part of the house. It’s relaxing and low-maintenance and allows us to have a social life without hiring babysitters or deciding between time together as a couple or time with friends (I don’t like to do that–I like my husband!).
3. lora
March 10, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
I might not come to your funeral, but I would TOTALLY leave you a sappy comment on your last post that you ever did, and when your family read it they would say, “wow, Lora really loved Jessica”
4. Prescott
March 10, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
Well I’ll obviously be at your funeral, as long as it’s not on a Thursday.
5. Jessica
March 10, 2009 @ 4:11 pm
Awww. Thanks Rita. I do feel like you’re the type of friend that will always be there if I needed you. I saw your FB post today and I was really moved by it. I think I’m about to start my period any second, so reading about you being in the exact same place I am made me want to OD on prozac or something.
6. Jessica
March 10, 2009 @ 4:16 pm
But, at least you have friends. However, the getting together on the weekends doesn’t even interest me. I guess you don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.
7. Jessica
March 10, 2009 @ 4:18 pm
Awww. That is the nicest thing a total stranger has ever said to me! We probably could be friends, if I were into that sort of thing. (Cute blog BTW)
8. Stacey S_MOD
March 10, 2009 @ 5:06 pm
I wouldn’t come to your funeral…but I would totally make a post in the cyber guest book
I’m the same way…I like friends…but on my terms, because I like “me time” WAY better than “we time”. It’s also the reason everyone has a special ringtone…now I don’t even have to bother to LOOK at the phone before I decide whether or not I feel like picking it up….remember the old days before caller I.D…you just had to pick up the phone & take a chance…..it was like telephone roulette!
You have to wonder about funeral goers anyway….I was VERY close to my Mom & my parents NEVER had friends over & the phone never rang & there were all kinds of folks at her funeral…I even said to my sister “who the hell are all these people?” It was really weird!
Who knows….maybe in a few years we’ll have cyber funerals….then you’d be wicked popular!!!
9. Allison G-MOD
March 10, 2009 @ 6:22 pm
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quote, For The Win!!!!
THAT”S why I like you Jess! Quirky! I love it!
I have a small group of amazing friends. I met them in my moms group, but it wasn’t until a road trip to Portland one weeken that we really got to know each other. We all are different, and I must admit, a few of them I never saw myself being friends with. I cherish my relationship with them.
Funeral Shmuneral. I don’t give a rat’s ass who comes to my funeral. The smaller, the cheaper on my family’s budget, right?
I love my group of friends, because I don’t ever want to be like my parents. Move to a new state in their late 40’s and they don’t know anyone, so they have NO friends. At the very least, I want to be an old lady with arthritis, who has a friend come over to play Bridge and put curlers in my hair!
10. Lauren
March 10, 2009 @ 6:24 pm
Maybe it’s because I live in the South, but I find that people are very morbid, by nature. If you die some horrific death here, you can be assured you’ll have standing room only at your funeral. I swear, they line up out the door and down the sidewalk to see someone who died in a fiery crash. And it’s all discussed in graphic detail (in front of the funeral home) about how she looked and what kind of severe injuries she suffered. And even the old folks seem to plan their days making hospital visits or attending funerals. It’s like they’re waiting on “their time” or trying to figure out what “happens,” exactly. I don’t know. I’ll probably feel the same way at some point.
So, if you get to feeling too blue about not having enough visitors at the “wake,” you can always move South. There will be folks there that you didn’t know you knew.
I have friends . . . but only two that I will pick up the phone immediately for. They’ll be the ones dressing me and making sure I look “good” for the wake. (We’ve already discussed that, I don’t trust my husband to do that). Hopefully, it won’t be for another 40 or 50 years.
It’s a pact we’ve made, my friends and I. I am not sleeping for all eternity in polyester, for sure. (Unless I piss off my two good friends, that is). Guess I’ll never know, but I’ve sworn to them that I’ll come back to haunt them and they laughed, a little.
11. mully
March 10, 2009 @ 6:37 pm
Friends are alot of work. They take alot of effort and time. Some expect more than others. Its time consuming to keep a friendship growing, because just like a good marriage, a good friendship needs to be nurtured, which means you have to devote time to it. Im with Stacey. It isnt that Im anti-social. Quite the contrary. I can be the best friend anyone would ever want, but it has to somewhat be on my terms. I have learned to cherish the good friends I DO have, but they are also the people who understand me (as well as my understanding them) and maybe we are such good friends because we want the same things and we dont expect things neither of us arent willing to give.
I DETEST talking on the phone. Its funny too because when I was younger I talked on the phone alot. Now I just want to find out what they want, answer the need, be polite and say goodbye.
We are SOOOOOO busy in today’s world. You do have to pick and choose.
I have no children left at home, but I work full time and then some and my husband and I also own a business which requires even more of our time. I am still (unfortunately) (sigh) pretty much the responsible party for the house/home stuff, so any extra time I DO have is spent doing things I like doing. Being here, online, watching my favorite television shows, reading magazines/books, puttering around the house. Notice these are all solo enterprises?
Its just easier sometimes to NOT have to interact.
Funerals and memorial services arent really for the dead as much as they are for the living.
I have to say that 2 years ago when my mother died, we didnt have any sort of “viewing” because she asked to be cremated, but I did have about an hour at the church before Mass where people could come and pay their respects to me and my family.
It was nice because there wasnt this THING/COFFIN/BODY lurking over in a corner with people furtively looking out of the corners of their eyes wondering if it was their turn to walk past or do whatever. The brief time at the church allowed for me to hear stories about my mom from friends I had never met. There was none of the “funeral home” attitude but instead an almost calming presence that I believe being in a church tends to give us.
12. Kristy
March 11, 2009 @ 10:29 am
See, my friendships are not time consuming or a lot of work. The weekly (ish) Friday cocktail hour is something we all look forward to. It requires very little effort on anyone’s part, yet it’s social and fun. I really like that it allows me to feel like I have friends and do things without having to dress up, spend much money, or leave my family at home while I go out.
13. Kymberly
March 11, 2009 @ 11:42 am
Great line!
I’ve been wondering if Facebook won’t actually render the whole High School Reunion Mixer Meet-up obsolete? I liked High School and have greatly enjoyed reconnecting with old friends. That said, I have little to no desire to go mingle and make small talk over a Bacardi and Diet Coke the first time - let alone repeatedly. We exchange “how you beens?” and “hey what’s up” and exclaim over each other’s partners and parenting.
They get to see that I did so become a writer and thus all the time spent goofing off and writing notes to my friends rather than memorizing the hydrologic cycle paid off so take THAT Mr. Deericks! I get to find out if anyone went to prison.
It’s all good
14. Kelsey
March 11, 2009 @ 12:25 pm
I don’t have a lot of friends, I always wanted family time over friend time and now I really wish I did have them. I’m scrambling now because my husband walked out on me last week and I find that I really need to talk with people, have the girls over, something to occupy the lonely nights once the kids are in bed but I don’t really have anyone that I’m that close to because he was my best friend. So yeah, I wish I had made more of an effort now just even for that little bit of a lifeline. Because now, I find myself confiding in people who I don’t really have that close a relationship to and it’s not really satisfying enough.
15. Mel
March 11, 2009 @ 1:19 pm
Oh wow, Kelsey, I’m sorry to hear that.
Friendship are work, but in the end are worth it in my experience.
When my mother in law died unexpectedly, my neighbors and my friends gathered around us, took food to my father in laws made sure we were as good as we could be in that situation. I couldn’t have asked for a better response in our time of need.
In order to make friends, I wouldn’t go back and expect high school or college buddies to be able to the meet the needs of being a friend to you at this stage in your life. People grow apart, people grow up (or some don’t!), so look around and see where you can meet new people.
One good place to start is in your neighborhood. Your kids have friends, so maybe start chatting with their parents, one good thing about that is, your kids already get along. No weird fights to be witness too.
Build slowly. Don’t latch on to the first person you see at the playground, feel out a few prospects, and then make a good excuse to chat with them more.
Like if you hear or see a mom who is talking about having a newborn you could offer, “I have a ton of (clothes, toys, swing or jumpy) my daughter grew out of, would you like them, they are all practically new…” It is kind of a bribe, but it is a nice gesture to get a friendship going.
Friendship are worth it, even if it isn’t a daily friendship, just once a week on the phone or sitting at the park, you need a friend to pal with and swap stories and listen to each other.
16. Jessica
March 11, 2009 @ 9:55 pm
Wow Kelsey. That’s really depressing.
17. Jessica
March 11, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
That’s so Harold and Maude.
I think that sounds more interesting than my own funeral. I’d be game.
18. Kelsey
March 12, 2009 @ 8:21 am
Sorry I was depressing, I didn’t really mean to bring everyone down, I guess what my main point was is that you shouldn’t worry about the friends you have attending YOUR funeral but more so, worry about the friends you’ll have to hold your hand through HIS.
19. Alyson
June 13, 2009 @ 9:41 pm
It is difficult to make time for friends when you are facing all the “responsibilities” you have. Working full time, commuting time, and sleeping take up the majority of our time. Throw in any chance of sleeping an extra hour on a Saturday morning and we are still exhausted when the weekend begins. I do love my internet friends and those I have met, love reconnecting with them once a year or so. Just not enough time with family activities and keeping up with kids and home.
You do what is best for you but I would advise you to occaisionally have a large gathering at your home, evening, friends and family to connect with everyone. Once every six months and you will see your social life well in place. Personal contact goes a long way and you do need those up close and personal hugs!
Hugs to you!
Alyzabeth’s Mommy for Nine Month
Grandmother to Two and One on the way!