Belly up to the Bar?
Posted
February 11, 2009 at
12:39 pm by
Marge
This has been the second toughest week of my life.
The relationship that I thought was going to last forever has fallen apart, largely at my own hands.
Friends and family are taking sides.
Stuff is being divided.
Schedules are being drawn up.
Lawyers and therapists and judges, oh my!
Mommy needs a drink. And in a bad way.
But is it okay? Have I earned it? Am I sending my kids a message that by knocking a few back, I’m going to make things better? I know that pomegranate martini I’m lusting for isn’t going to fix my marriage, nor will it keep my mother from telling me that I’m making the worst mistake of my life.
But gosh darn it, it sure as hell would taste REALLY good about now.
Paul Clarke posted this piece in The New York Times this week. He explores the impacts of adult alcohol consumption in the presence of children. He observes that, for many of us, our initial exposure to the delicious delight is as a drug, not a a drink. With underage partiers stowing stolen bottles in cars for late-night bonfires and house parties with parents in absentia. The thrill of doing something “bad” and not getting caught adds a new dimension to consumption - one that makes the drink into more of an “act” than merely a beverage.
I was raised in a home where, like the author, there was really no mystique about alcohol. Dad would have the occasional screwdriver at a wedding or card party at the house. We always had Southern Comfort on hand for my Grandma Freda to sip while she taught me how to play King’s Corners. Mom was never afraid to douse spaghetti and lasagna sauces with a giant jug of Gallo, while spilling a bit into a tumbler to quench her thirst while cooking.
I was always allowed a taste, but the flavor never did too much for me. I still can’t explain how I’m half-Canadian and I can’t stand the taste of beer (sorry Moosehead, I’ll pass). Yes, I had a fake ID (Sorry Mom! I’ve disappointed you yet again.), but my desire was for access to where my of-age friends were, not the drink itself. Although I was known to tie one on every now and again, I was the one who was usually holding some poor sorority sister’s ponytail while she prayed to the porcelain goddess. I saw firsthand the price for overindulgence, and experienced my share of it now and again.
So how do I handle it now that I have kids? Yes, Homer and I drink in front of our kids. We jokingly refer to it as “mommy juice” and “daddy juice.” When they get old enough, we’ll probably let them have a sip now and again, like our parents did for us. Do I expect them to make stupid mistakes with alcohol? Of course. But I am responsible for teaching our kids that all food and drinks can be okay in moderation and enjoyed responsibly.
After all, too many Oreos means that I’m holding another ponytail over the porcelain goddess. This time, though it’s on a five year old.
6 Responses to “Belly up to the Bar?”
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1. Cin
February 11, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
This is a great topic and it will be interesting to see how folks react. There was always alcohol at big family picnics and parties. No one ever over did it. Sometimes us kids got to mix it. I delivered Pabst Blue Ribbons to Grandma when she babysat for me. I spent time with my mom, aunt, and their friends while they drank frou frou drinks with salted rims and funny names, as we listened to records and talked about boys. The occasions were nonchalant, social, and bonding. I knew I couldn’t drink alcohol but there were lots of things I couldn’t do or eat or drink. I wasn’t allowed Big Macs or R rated movies. It was just another “grown up” thing and I never felt deprived or curious.
I have tried to handle it the same way with my own family. I have compared it to Red Bull for them. They know they cannot drink Red Bull because it has stuff that their little bodies and brains cannot handle yet, and the same goes for alcohol. I feel it’s only a big deal if you make it one. Unfortunately, my “nonchalance” with my potty mouth has not produced the same results. My Daughter9 says she can’t wait until she’s grown so can drop some F-bombs.
2. Kymberly
February 11, 2009 @ 3:39 pm
I have always enjoyed a bit of the “adult beverage” while knowing I could take it or leave it. I think the only time I would worry is when “leaving it” got a tad harder.
I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. I say if you don’t otherwise have a “problem” then you most certainly DO deserve that pomegranate martini.
3. lora
February 13, 2009 @ 1:18 pm
First and foremost. I’m so sorry. Don’t listen to your mom. She means well but she doesn’t live in your house. She loves you, but she isn’t you.
Second, we let the kid (almost 3yo) taste too, and never make a big deal out of alcohol. He knows grownups drink it and (some) kids aren’t allowed more than a sip if they are allowed any. If I need a drink (and sometimes I NEED a drink) I don’t hide it from him and sometimes I’ll even give him a kiddie version of his own. I get lemonade+strawberries+vodka, he gets lemonade+strawberries.
I do this because I don’t want alcohol to be taboo and secret and all that.
Someone is probably going to call children’s services on me. Bah.
I’m shutting up now while I’m ahead.
4. crysohara
February 13, 2009 @ 7:55 pm
This topic is a big one right now with our family. One of my siblings has a drinking problem and there are small children in the home. I’ve had to take on being the responsible adult and make both parents understand what it means at this point for them.
We were raised by parents that didn’t care enough to make us understand the limits of drinking, our father is an alcoholic and our mother was co-dependent on those she was with through out her life (all drank heavily).
I taught my children to respect themselves enough not to over do anything. I really believe in talking to your children about everything. I told them I wouldn’t be hypocrite about under age drinking as I had done it when I was a teen. My children witnessed us deciding on who the designated driver would be when we knew we would be driving home from a party. My children never saw me fall over drunk until I was in my late 30’s.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with drinking in front of your children as long as you do it as a responsible adult and set examples for your kids. Also talk to them about drinking so it’s not a taboo. You will know when you have a problem if your 5 year old comes to you and asks you not to drink.
5. Hillary
February 14, 2009 @ 2:02 pm
Marge, hugs to you. I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. I’ve been there, done that.
AFA alcohol, I will have a glass of wine in front of my kids from time to time. I drink responsibly. My kids are more used to seeing the Diet Coke Can than a beercan, though.
6. mully
February 14, 2009 @ 2:17 pm
Having grown up in both an alcoholic family AND a huge Catholic family, Im well aware of the effects, good and bad, alcohol can have.
Drinking is as much a part of our culture as eating and some of our best times and greatest memories centered around a glass of wine or a mug of cold, icy beer. As with anything else, the key is moderation. When moderation isnt possible, however, alcohol can ruin lives.
I have always been sensitive to alcoholism since I suffered as the only child of an alcoholic mother who was also abusive and ended up dying 2 years ago from long term liver disease.
All of that said, Im not a prude and I DO occasionally drink myself, just not to excess and I tried to teach my 4 kids that drinking, while a pleasure, also comes with a great amount of responsibility.
My children are all adults now and on their own and I know they like their beer and booze. I hope and pray that they also remember the pain their own mother went thru at the hands of their seriously alcoholic “nana” and the ultimate sadness that we all went thru when we said our goodbyes to a life that could have been so much more had it not been for the disease of alcoholism.