Imagine my surprise to discover that I don’t know how to answer my phone anymore. This is mainly because there is no surprise. I have Caller ID, so obviously I can see who’s on the other end. This renders an inquisitive greeting pretty redundant. Conversely, if I greet the caller by name too effusively it sort of creeps people out. Of course, answering in an “I’m not overly excited to hear from you” monotone doesn’t exactly elicit warm fuzzy feelings either.

Even if I don’t use the caller’s name, but answer in an I-know-who-you-are way, it unsettles people, even those who themselves have Caller ID. I think it implies a kind of psychic friends network connection going on.

Crisis. Fortunately, there are now etiquette guides for virtually every and anything. A quick trip across the information superhighway enlightened me to the fact that “greeting someone by name is indeed a bit forward or presumptive. In fact, it threatens to steal the caller’s thunder.” Fantastic news. What started as a simple convenience and/or way to dodge telemarketers, has evolved into an assault on the dignity of my family and friends.

Before I could selfishly do irreparable harm to the apparently fragile psyches of my nearest and dearest, I also learned that the telephone manner mavens advise sticking with the classics.

 It turns out – get this - that we can simply say “hello.”

Who knew?

Just to be on the safe side, I’ve started pretending I don’t know who’s calling. I answer guardedly, feigning an innocent ignorance about who might be on the other end.

And yet, letting callers identify themselves when you know full well who’s calling feels dishonest. Your best friends and family generally KNOW you have caller I.D. It’s one of those things you were inordinately proud of when you first got it, but later realized you should have played a tad closer to the vest. To admit that you have Caller ID is to raise the grim possibility that some day, perhaps soon, this very loved one who you deigned to talk to today might be sent straight to voicemail.

It’s all so very “here today, leave a message after the beep” tomorrow.

Surprise. What has really surprised me is when I’ve called someone, not left a message, and had them call back only to berate me for having the audacity NOT to leave a message. Since caller identification keeps a log of all recent calls, a recipient can now call up someone who DIDN’T choose (for whatever crazy reason) to leave a message and demand: “Why did you call me?” That’s a rather challenging –  and to my mind controversial - approach.

Sadly, the etiquette guides are sorely lacking in this area. Just in case you didn’t get the message, I would also like to mention that this is incredibly rude.

Fortunately, I am here to help. I am the product of a Great Grandmother who was a stickler for etiquette. She came of age “back in the day” when the citizenry still held to the quaint notion that manners mattered. Granted, she lived long before the advent of caller I.D. Tragically, this great woman was forced to blunder bravely into telephone calls with nary a hint of who or what may be awaiting on the end of the line with only her wits to guide her. Nonetheless she managed to live her entire life without fainting from the surprise.

Remember, good phone skills are a key ingredient to a safe and happy society. Not everyone is as kind, understanding, and concerned for the safety of the citizenry as I am. I shudder to think what a lack of common, everyday telephone etiquette might drive the increasing hapless victims of misdialing and bad manners to do.

With the advent of caller I.D. there are people out there who have ways of finding you - and apparently - making you talk.