Ah, Patrick Swayze. *dreamy sigh* Who among us 30-something women didn’t dream of visiting a resort in the Catskills with our straightlaced parents and secretly learning to dirty dance with the local bad boy while the “squares” were in the pavilion learning the cha cha? Well, I’m officially old, because Patrick’s, like, so yesterday. My new crush is on High School Principal Jason Perrins. 

Mr. Perrins has recently come under fire for trying to enforce rules against dirty dancing at school dances. After repeated warnings, which his students recently ignored at a homecoming dance, Mr. Perrins decided to cancel an upcoming winter formal. In addition to canceling the dance, Mr Perrins wants students to sign a contract and take a training class before they can go to future dances. The students have responded with all the maturity of a bunch of 2-year-olds who’ve been denied a favorite Barney toy. Student opinion seems to be split between:

“Fine! If you want us to follow your rules, we just won’t go to the dances! So there!”

and

“Training classes? That’s stupid! We already know how to dance!”

Um, kids? The thing is, Mr. Perrins knows you know how to dance. (Or, as you kids would say, “Like, duh!”) He’s just treating you like idiots to make the following point: “See? You have the ability to dance like ladies and gentlemen. Now go forth and do so.”

Parents, for their part, are lining up to show their support for Mr. Perrins. Kidding, of course. They’re lining up to whine about the possibility that their children might miss out on cherished rites of passage, such as prom. They feel the school should just hire more chaperones to enforce the rules — because God forbid the kids just follow the damn rules without somebody watching over their every move, right? And so what if the kids have repeatedly ignored the warnings that Mr. Perrins would cancel dances! Nobody thought he’d actually go through with his threat!

Ah, yes. We’ve all met these parents. They’re the ones with the toddlers screaming for toys in the aisles of Wal-mart, desperately yelling, “Jimmy, that’s enough! I’m going to count to three, and if you don’t stop, I’m going to take away your new toy! One… Two… Jimmy, I mean it! You stop it this instant! One… Two… James Trevor Marshall, I mean it! One… Two…” Twelve years later, they’re the parents of high schoolers who are perplexed that a disciplinary figure wants to actually carry through with the threat of discipline. 

Well, Mr. Perrins has chosen to yell “Three!” and actually carry out his threat. Now that’s an attractive quality in a principal. Sorry Patrick — it was great while it lasted, but we’re through.