Halloween? Humbug!

Who enforces the rule that the ability to drive yourself trick or treating means you have to give up the ghost on dressing up anyway?

I say we let the kids keep Spiderman and Barbie Princess. For those in the overage set who have moved beyond sheets thrown over their heads, “no I’m not a slip-covered sofa, I’m a ghost stupid!” but still need a little shot of fiction and fantasy, the following truly mythical grown-up get-ups might be just the thing this Halloween.

“Having it All Modern Gal:” This costume comes complete with a briefcase featuring compartments for juice boxes and a bud vase for storing the fresh flowers her adoring spouse sends daily.

Accessories include a Dayrunner overflowing with power lunches and play dates. Wearer will demonstrate an ability to operate a PDA without “accidentally” deleting mother-in-law’s birthday reminder.

Deluxe version requires ability to juggle hot latte and hold a toddler’s hand while speaking intelligibly into a cellular headset without appearing to be deranged and talking to herself.

“Sensitive Male.” Wearer sports a tailored jacket and nonathletic shoes without, mind you, appearing the least bit effeminate. Will have a saucepan in one hand and a diaper in the other.

Deluxe version of this costume features a tool belt of tissue boxes around the waist (for drying tears while enjoying repeat viewing of the film Hope Floats and similar chick flicks with spouse).

“Helpful customer service associate.” Wearer is well informed and eager to help. For extra effect, greet each query with a prompt and intelligent response rather than slack jawed “ummm, I dunno” and a shrug.

Deluxe version includes the ability to steer customers toward not only the correct item, but the clearance and deep discounted version of same.

Companion costume, “Informed Customer.” Wearer will portray a customer who actually knows what he or she wants and doesn’t berate the helpful customer service associate for not being able to immediately discern what “the thingamabob that connects the doohickey to the whatsit” might be and, more importantly, in which aisle it may be found.

“Informed Voter:” This one is hard to emulate due to extreme rarity. Costume consists of an informed and educated voter who has taken the time to research candidate positions rather than deciding who to vote for based on attack ads or an appreciation (or hatred) of candidate’s attire, hairstyle, race, gender, or anything they saw on the internet.

Wearer may be liberally sprinkled with congealed chicken gravy (from attending innumerable candidate night chicken dinners). Will make it to the polls to cast a vote despite cold, snow, freezing rain or a rerun of Friends that they “really, really wanted to catch.”

“Brutally Honest Beauty Consultant.” Wearer will pose as a beautician or cosmetic specialist who is completely truthful with customers without regard to commission. Script includes the phrases “I’m sorry ma’am but I’m a beautician, not a magician, and your carting in all the pictures of Julia Roberts in the world aren’t going to make you a 6 foot 2, 100-pound, size 0 actress. This is a pair of scissors lady, not a magic wand.”

And “why yes, this shade is terrifically flattering to your facial hair.”

This costume is recommended only for those who can adequately defend themselves against physical assault. Good right hook a must.

Finally, for the true fans of fantasy, I suggest dressing as a man who hates televised sports, enjoys adult dramas, and lets his wife control the television remote. This one is sure to sweep all the adult costume contests as it is widely accepted that this creature does not exist.

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