The hand that rocks the cradle, the hand that makes the dinner…
Posted
August 21, 2008 at
8:39 pm by
Trish
A few months ago I read a book called ‘The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl’ by Shauna Reid. She is an Australian woman, a couple of years younger than me, now living in Scotland. She wrote the book (and the blog it started out as) to chronicle her weight loss ‘adventure’ and it was a hilarious, touching story. She began her diet when she was tipping the scales at 351lbs and now weighs literally half that at 175.5lbs. I don’t read a lot of diet books so I can’t say whether or not this is not your average diet book, but I suspect it isn’t your average diet book. There’s a lot more to Shauna’s life than her battle with her weight, and all that extra stuff makes for some hilarious passages in her book. I could go on but I don’t want to sound too much like her pimp.
One of the things she talks about is her relationship with food as a young child, and the role her parents played in her weight gain. I’ve watched enough episodes of Oprah and Dr Phil to know that ‘eating issues’ are often established in childhood, and I have family members and school friends who can trace their weight problems back to their parents’ insistence that they finish everything on their plate before they could leave the table.
Point being, there are plenty of adult ’survivors’ of childhood obesity who feel their parents made it difficult for them to start their lives as anything but rotund and permanently in search of their next salty, greasy snack. There are surely exceptions, but given that nutritionists and dietitians are telling us that childhood obesity is a result of poor diet and lack of exercise, and given that parents are responsible for their children’s diet and lifestyle… well, you do the math.
Shauna tells of the heartache of being a fat kid and a fat teenager and a fat young woman and not being able to control her desire for still more food. My little sister was overweight until she got to high school when she made an abrupt decision to lose the weight and did, through good ol’ exercise and portion control and in spite of my mother’s attempts to keep her chubby. It wasn’t until my sister told me about the teasing from other girls (and, shamefully, from me and my other siblings) that I realised how bloody miserable she had been for all those years. Reading Shauna’s warts-and-all book just made it all that more real to me. My sister has accepted my apology for those years of torment but I don’t deserve her forgiveness.
There are a handful of obese children at my daughters’ school. I have worked in the school cafeteria and served them both at morning tea time and again at lunch. They line up with their fists full of coins (or, sometimes, ten dollar bills), and they stare at the racks of potato chips behind the counter like a grizzly bear just out of hibernation might eye off a stream full of salmon. Our school cafeteria has a healthy-food focus but there will always be versions of fats and salts and artificial colourings and flavourings. The trick is to have these once a while, not every single day. It breaks my heart to hand over the junk food to these children, as the homemade muffins and bowls of fresh fruit go untouched. I can’t help it; I have to wonder why these kids are being sent to school with fists full of cash and not lunchboxes full of healthy alternatives?
There are still more chubby kids at weekend soccer. I have seen the parents buy them sweets and chocolate and hotdogs after the game as a reward for half an hour of exercise. There is so much wrong with the picture, it makes me want to scream.
If I see a child being smacked in public, or out on a freezing cold winter day without a jacket, or playing perilously close to a busy road without an adult nearby, I just want to grab them and do something, you know? I think the vast majority of parents probably feel this way when they see a child suffering or in danger because of the questionable choices of their parents. But we hold back, it’s not our place to interfere… up to a point, of course. But now I am wondering - how do I feel about parents who feed their children so much junk food that they are obese, morbidly obese, before they are ten years old? How do I feel about parents who are setting their children up for a lifetime of physical illness (the list of problems associated with childhood obesity is long and well-documented) as well as the psychological anguish that authors like Shauna Reid write about?
How do I feel? I feel extremely angry. Angry that the parents’ choices, or their laziness, or their apathy, or whatever it is, is literally making their kids fat. Angry that there’s nothing I can do about it. If these kids were being beaten by their parents on the sidelines at soccer, I wouldn’t hesitate to swoop in and grab them, and call the police. Because that kind of abuse is unacceptable to society and outlawed in most civilised communities. But what can I do other than stand by and watch the parent hand their child a ten dollar bill and send them off to the snack bar for junk food, or buy it for them so it’s there when they come off the field at the end of the game? What can I do? Nothing, it seems.
I have wondered what I might say to a parent like that, if I had the opportunity. Hey, did you know that your child is overweight, or do you just not see it? I was wondering, are you concerned about Susie’s weight gain? Do you think his chronic knee injury might have something to do with his weight? Have you thought about going to a pediatric dietitian? Do you have any idea what your kids are in for when they get to high school? Do you?!
My kids are healthy and I put this down to genetics, lots of exercise, and a good diet. We don’t eat a lot of junk food. The kids used to have McDonalds once a month, if that, but it was a treat, and these days we only buy it if we’re passing McDonald’s on a long road trip. I cook dinner for them every night of the week, and I use recipes that call for fresh ingredients and I don’t fry anything and I don’t give them too much and force them to finish it. If we get takeaway, it’s something from the local Noodle House, not pizza. The last time we had fish & chips, none of us could eat the batter from the fish simply because we are unaccustomed to that amount of grease in our diet. We don’t have the appetite for it. If they have dessert, it’s usually fruit, or icecream and fruit. These are simple choices that we have made and at the risk of sounding righteous and condescending and sanctimonious I don’t understand why other people can’t make these choices as well, when we’re talking about the health of their children. Please, feel free to enlighten me.
There’s all this stuff in the media about making it the Government’s responsibility to keep the population healthy. I think it’s the responsibility of the parents. It’s not as though there isn’t a lot of information out there on how to feed your kids well.
Tags: childhood-obesity, diet, exercise, fast food, obese children, obese kids |
7 Responses to “The hand that rocks the cradle, the hand that makes the dinner…”
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1. Rita said:
August 21, 2008 @ 9:09 pm
It’s probably that the parents don’t know how to eat healthy either. At least around here, the obese children have obese parents, and for the parents to manage their own weight, well that’s a mighty hard issue.
I am overweight. I was a thin child and an anorectic teen. In high school I was 5′9 and my weight hovered around 100 lbs. I liked it when it dipped below, but it was hard to maintain 98lbs with my height. I had a whole host of other issues.
Now, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink (only socially, but my mom was an alcoholic so the drinking is a a biggie for us), I don’t use diet pills (like my mom did), or other prescription meds to cope (like valium), but I am overweight. It’s really, really hard to reign that in. I’ve tried and tried for the past 10 years (since I quit smoking and tipped into the overweight bracket), and I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. The best I can hope for is to keep up my exercise level to stave off weight related issues (and studies show that can be effective). So, I can sort of appreciate the confusion and the difficulty with these other overweight parents. Maybe they’re trying, maybe they don’t know any better, or maybe they just don’t care. But, I just try not to judge because I know it’s a lot harder than choosing carrot sticks over cookies. If it were that easy, then nobody would have weight issues.
2. Kymberly said:
August 23, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Honestly, I agree.
I could certainly use to lose a few pounds but this is a point where I say that if I, as an adult, want to make MYSELF unhealthy/overweight that’s my choice.
I owe my children better. We aim to eat and be healthy as a family and I realize I’m blessed with “naturally slim” children (as I was once too come to think of it!) but to allow your child to become obese without seeking nutritional/medical assistance (or applying basic common sense) to curb that - to me is difficult to support.
I realize it’s a fine line between allowing obesity and giving your child an eating disorder by constantly “monitoring” food but despite the “obesity epidemic” plenty of families manage not to have obese children so it can’t exactly be rocket science can it?
3. Rita said:
August 24, 2008 @ 10:35 am
I have to ask though, do people feel the same way when they see thin children lining up for junk food in the lunch line? I just feel like there is this big judgmental bias against overweight people. Like the being overweight isn’t just bad because it’s a health hazard (which is actually debatable–being unfit is a health hazard, but there is a lot of science out there to suggest that being thin and unfit is just as unhealthy as being overweight and unfit), but then there is the judgment of the person–like they’re lazy or don’t have self-control, or now–bad parents.
All three of my kids are very thin (the middle one is 9 years-old and weighs 48 lbs), so I’m not being defensive out of my own experience with THEM. This is just an argument I’ve gotten into with other people and my own weight sensitivities here. Nobody bats an eye at my kids when they eat ice cream. But, see a fat kid with an ice cream cone and everyone judges him. There is a LOT more involved in the childhood obesity issue than what meets the eye.
So, I do cringe when I read about people judging parents for what they see the kids eating, based on their weight. It could be that these kids are on a restricted diet and this is their ONE junk food release for the whole day, whereas a skinny kid might live on chips and cookies and soda, but they’re genetically lucky.
I do agree there is an obesity epidemic (obviously) and we do need to do what we can to help our kids be healthy (which involves a lot of activity and self-esteem building and learning healthy coping skills and a whole realm of things outside choosing carrots over cookies). But, I dunno, this just struck a nerve (as it always does when brought up).
4. IvyDevine said:
August 25, 2008 @ 12:26 am
I agree with you completly here.
I am chubbier now in my adulthood due to bad food choices when I hit my teens, but I know how hard it was for a friend who was overweight from day dot, her family just made bad food choices and she paid the price in school and that has impacted her self esteem terribly.
Whilst I didn’t feel it at the time growing up, it was lucky for me my parents were all about the meat and three veg, always having to “play outside and don’t come in until its dinner time”:-P take away in the 80’s and 90’s in Adelaide was an expensive treat that was had once in a blue moon.
It is very sad that a whopper meal is cheaper than your average salad sandwich from a cafe or the like, and I do believe the government need to help lower the cost of good food especially during our drought and organics.
It all comes down to the parents choices, child hood obesity is another form of child abuse, you are limiting that child from a happy and most importantly healthy future. Body, Mind and Soul.
It is not about depriving your child of treats, it is about educating them that unhealthy foods are to be limited and good foods are important too, my daughter would eat a home made vegetarian pizza over a happy meal anyday…and that is because it is what she thinks is yummy and is all she knows:-)
5. Trish said:
August 25, 2008 @ 1:06 am
Thanks, Rita, I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
The judgmental bias against overweight people is a whole ‘nother discussion. And the debate about being unfit and fat vs unfit and thin is something I will need to read up on; I’ve never heard that claim before. I’ve barely scratched the surface, barely lifted the lid on this can of worms, haven’t I?
I sought to make a very particular point about parents of obese children allowing or even encouraging their children to continue to make unhealthy choices, and what that might mean for their future. Kids can’t make these choices for themselves, they are entirely dependent on and at the mercy of their parents’ guidance. To me, this is no different from making sure your kid is holding your hand when you cross the road. Whether or not the parents are overweight is irrelevant.
Your comment that “it could be that these kids are on a restricted diet and this is their ONE junk food release for the whole day” struck a nerve with me. I would argue that obese children shouldn’t be having daily “junk food releases”. It’s the daily junk food release that is making them fat.
That’s my two (more) cents.
6. Rita said:
August 25, 2008 @ 8:43 am
Trish (and please don’t take any of this personally, you’re one of my favorite bloggers here! You’re funny and bright and I just plain like you, so PLEASE don’t think I’m picking a fight!), I do totally agree that if I had a kid with a serious weight issue, I would be getting that kid help. Absolutely. There is no argument on that point.
It’s just that I think it goes beyond food choices. I know of kids at our taekwondo school who are very active in it—competing nationally, doing flips and tricks that are amazing, but they are on the chubbier side. Are they unhealthier than the couch potato who happens to be thin down the street? There is a wave of scientific study saying absolutely not, and common sense would say the inactive, but thin kid would be at bigger risk for health problems down the line, too.
I agree with what you’re saying about setting up good eating habits. I think that is a parent’s responsibility. I’m not making excuses for parents who struggle with it, I just sympathize with their plight. But, it’s also very possible to gain weight on a healthy diet. I’m proof of that! We just about never eat junk. We have no soda in the house. Sweets are a once-in-a-while treat. No potato chips. We eat well planned, home cooked meals 6 nights a week (we do have pizza night or bring in Chinese something like that one night a week, but it’s never McDonalds or fried chicken or things like that). But, I am overweight nonetheless. I use food as a coping mechanism, which isn’t healthy, and it’s something that I struggle with. So, it’s not the food choice in my case, it’s the eating choice. Extra calories add weight, whether they come from midnight Frito binges, or organic shredded wheat sweetened with local beehive honey in skim milk. Seriously.
My son has the tendency to eat when he’s stressed as well. He’s not overweight at all, but this is a trend we see in his habits, so for us, the focus is on finding better ways to cope with stress than eating food. For him, seeing a dietician would be worthless, since he eats only good foods. Learning meditation and going to hit a punching bag would be more effective. My point is, there are so many other components to this issue than just the food choices, see?
While I was pregnant with my nine-year-old, I had this huge argument with a friend. I had quit smoking about six months before, so I had gained quite a bit of weight, and then I was pregnant and putting on more weight, but careful to make it quality weight. I was also still training in taekwondo during my pregnancy (I didn’t stop until week 36 when she turned breech and the doctor told me it wasn’t really safe to continue, and then I went back to training 6 weeks after the c-section), and was very, very healthy. This friend still smoked, never exercised, ate one meal a day (and it was always fast food) and supplemented with sweets or bags of chips and soda from the vending machines where he worked. We were looking at the new Natalie Merchant CD (this was Ophelia, lol, I remember like it was yesterday…) and he commented on what a shame it was that she “let herself go” like that. We argued for a long time and basically, at the end of it, he had the audacity to say that people who were overweight (like he perceived Natalie Merchant on the cover of that CD) didn’t display as much self care as thin people. That he saw overweight people as lazier and unhealthier, that they just didn’t care as much about themselves as thin people. Him—smoking, non-exercising, junk food eating him, and then there was me—healthy eating, five-day-a-week-exercising-while-pregnant, quit smoking, me. I didn’t really know what to say about that.
So, when I read your initial entry, I was hit with some of the same feelings. Food choices DO matter, but they matter as much for the thin kid as they do for the heavy one, you know? Maybe a kid who is obese shouldn’t be having a daily sweet. Or, maybe the sweet is planned as part of his program with a dietician. Sweets are not off-limits as part of a healthy diet, or even a weight loss diet.
It was just hard for me to read that, and think that maybe the other night at that reception, people might have been judging me because I put a few dessert items on my paper plate. I eat very healthy and all we had for dinner that night was a salad, so I didn’t give it a second thought to have a couple of brownies at the reception. But, maybe there was some thin person (eating the same thing, because she can, because she’s thin) tsk-tsking me, thinking, “Wow, that fat woman should not be eating those brownies, no wonder she’s got that belly roll happening!”
See?
7. Trish said:
August 25, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
It’s OK, Rita, I’m enjoying this debate… I wish we were having it over a cup of coffee, it would be nice to know you in person!
I agree with all the points you have made; I think we’ve established that we agree with each other on quite a few things. Another reason it would be nice to have this chat over coffee
I agree that it must be very hard for someone who is overweight to have to deal with the judgment of a cruel society. I confess to being judgmental from time to time. And I’m my own harshest critic when it comes to my own self-sabotaging behaviour… I beat myself up DAILY over my inability to make use of a perfectly good gym membership, and then wonder why I can’t find anything to wear.
As I said, the judgment of overweight peoples’ food and eating choices is a whole different topic and it wasn’t something that I included in my original post because that’s not what I was writing about. By not including it, I did not mean to imply that I don’t see it as part of the bigger picture. (This is the second time in my life as a blogger that I’ve posted something that has struck a nerve with someone, and in both cases it was something I DIDN’T say that started the debate!)
I was just talking about the fact that children depend on us to take care of them - food, shelter, education, moral code, crossing the road safely - and parents who feed their kids so much junk food that they become obese children (which predisposes them to a life of obesity and all the health issues that come with it) are letting their children down. This is a very wide-ranging topic and we could debate the minutiae over a thousand cups of coffee and still not cover it all.
Thanks again for all your feedback! And please, don’t worry about my fragile little ego, I can take it!! (I was about to say I could totally take you in a fight and then I remembered the taekwondo thing… hmmmm…. maybe not)