Raising Up Manly Men
Posted
July 3, 2008 at
3:00 pm by
Kadi
When my oldest son was a toddler, he fell in love with my daughter’s red, patent leather shoes. My husband just about shit his pants when he saw his namesake, prancing around in pretty little mary janes. He demanded that the shoes be taken off and hidden from his son’s view. Talk about paranoid! Our families tried to convince my husband that wearing girly shoes would not turn him into a flaming homo, but my husband was not about to take any chances. As little girls, my sisters and I absolutely adored dressing up and playing pretend. Sometimes we pretended to be men. Did any of us grow up to be lesbians? Nope. It was just fun to be something that we knew could never really be (without an expensive operation, of course.) My husband, being the black and white thinker that he is, did not give a rat’s patootie about my childhood stories of cross dressing and its harmless implications. No son of his would ever, ever be allowed to play with a Barbie or look like a drag queen. That was about six years ago. My how some things have changed…
Five kids and four sons later, my husband has learned to loosen up. Not because he found some source of enlightenment, but out of sheer necessity. It takes way too much time and energy to try and keep five boys from doing anything remotely emasculating. Sure, he tries to instill a love of football, ultimate fighting and belching the alphabet, in each son. What father doesn’t? He does, however, let certain behaviors and activities slide now. He has given up the quest to keep them away from Barbie dolls. I think he has seen the value of roll playing in learning social norms. Or maybe he grew tired of trying to hide the Barbies, only to hear my daughter whine about being bored. She did not get a sister until six years after her birth, making her brothers the obvious choice to play the part of Ken.
There are some things that are off limits to our sons, in Dad’s book. He does not allow them to take dance class, unless it is Hip Hop or Break Dancing. He will never be okay with the boys experimenting with make up. Nail polish, ear piercings and long hair are permanently on his list of “Hell No’ items. God forbid one of our sons decides that he is gay. My husband could give a damn if somebody else has a homosexual son, but it would kill him to see his son “float around the room like a fairy.” Some things will never change. You can imagine his reaction when I showed him this picture of Reed, our youngest son, donning the thong undies that he stole from my drawer and made into a leotard:
Tags: boys, cross-dressing, dress-up, Family, homosexuality, imagination, men, playing, social-stigmas, taboos |
11 Responses to “Raising Up Manly Men”
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1. Stacey S said:
July 3, 2008 @ 7:21 pm
Kadi,
Every time I read one of your posts I laugh so hard I almost pee a little! You are one funny chick! I would seriously enjoy spending an afternoon just hanging out with you (and I do not mean that in the weird, creepy, stalker sort of way) I bet your friends just love you to bits!
2. SHS said:
July 3, 2008 @ 10:20 pm
Oh my Gawd! Your hubby will die! How funny! Kids always pick something weird to wear.
For mine daughter is was a bathing suit with cowboy boots….in the winter. (With coat on over when we went out)
3. Kymberly Foster Seabolt said:
July 4, 2008 @ 7:49 am
Eh, tell him to chill.
I have great photos of my son as a preschooler in a purple velvet and chiffon dancing costume. He’s up on one foot in a lovely pirouhette (sp?)
He also had a dollhouse as a boy (my idea).
He’s now 11 and saunters around “all boy” - I promise.
Mud, dirt, bugs, admiring bevy of little girls sighing along behind him.
4. Rita said:
July 4, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
I just think it’s hilarious that the thong fits in–in a very Borat kind of way.
I don’t know, my son is not a “boy’s boy,” and never has been. He oggles girls, so I assume he’s not gay. But, of course it has nothing to do with wearing girls’ clothes or playing with girls’ toys as a child, we all know that.
But, my boy has never been into mud and bugs (except to study them, scientifically), he’s never been rough-and-tumble, and he’s always been shy, sensitive and articulate. Which is part of why we encouraged martial arts for him, so he can now kick anyone’s ass who might make fun of him for not being a gruff and rowdy kind of boy. But, he’s found his niche, with other boys who are like him.
It does kind of bother me to see fathers perpetuating these stereotypes and misconceptions about gender roles and sexual orientation, though. It does absolutely no good at all to think that way and it can do a whole lot of harm, regardless of adult sexual orientation.
5. SHS said:
July 4, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
There is a boy who grew up with my daughter, and I have pretty much suspected he would be gay ever since he was 4. And he is. I think it is nature and nurture. Overbearing mother…a father that was almost afraid to have anything to do with his son, and I will add a very selfish and self-centered man as well. Who knows? Certainly just an observation of mine.
6. Jessica said:
July 4, 2008 @ 3:39 pm
We have tried to steer our preschooler away from barbie, he’s been dying to have one. I finally broke down and bought him a Hannah Montana and friends barbies. He’s in heaven. He has sleep overs with them where he puts them on a pillow on his nightstand and puts a little pillow case over them for a blanket. It’s the cutest thing in the world.
Because he has Aspergers, gender identity has been something that has been extremely difficult for him to grasp. So, I have no idea if I’m scarring him for life or confusing him any further, but I do know it makes him smile and that’s all that matters.
7. Rita said:
July 4, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
[quote comment="176289"]
Because he has Aspergers, gender identity has been something that has been extremely difficult for him to grasp. So, I have no idea if I’m scarring him for life or confusing him any further, but I do know it makes him smile and that’s all that matters.[/quote]
But, he will get the gender identity thing, it’s just taking longer, right? I doubt that Barbie is confusing him further. The thing about boys’ toys that sucks is that boys are kids too and they like sparkly, shiny, pretty things too, but all that stuff is marketed for girls. This gender specifying of toys just sucks. We went through the McDonald’s drive through when they had the speed racer stuff. My kids are gonzo over speed racer (we bought the dvds of the old show and everything), so when the lady asked whether I had a boy or a girl for the happy meal, I said she’s a girl, but she wants the speed racer toys. The woman sighed and said yeah, they’re ALL speed racer toys. Well, we got the happy meal and it was a fucking chim-chim bracelet. The wee one was pissed–howling pissed. She KNEW they had cars in there and she didn’t get one. She didn’t realize she didn’t get a car because she’s a *girl* but she knew deep down she was being cheated somehow.
Kids get the shaft both ways. Let them play with what they like, it’s not going to influence their orientation or make them confused about gender, really, it isn’t. G will get that he’s a boy in his own time, and all will be good.
8. SHS said:
July 5, 2008 @ 11:39 am
My daughter had ever power ranger and all the dinosuars we could fine. She only had one Barbie…it was actually the scuba one. I really don’t see anything wrong with boys having a doll or other “girl type” toys, nor do I see anything wrong with girls playing with “boy type” toys. I think it shows your kid is comfortable for more things.
And Jessica, as far a G goes, it sounds like he is very nurturing with his Barbie…so that must give you some relief…I hope.
9. Freddie said:
August 11, 2008 @ 6:27 am
Do you want to know fact rather than supposition? I know about this better than those who just blow hot air. First, playing with Barbies WILL NOT make your son gay. That is a fallacy and a LIE. If that were true, I would be gay. I never discovered Barbie until twelve. The fact is I wanted to pretend to be boyfriend and husband like my dad. I needed a female doll to accurately do it. Having only Gi Joes, I tried to use one in that female role. This resulted in my parent tearing it in pieces, This was seen as homosexual behavior. Do you not see how ignorant this appears? What does the kid suppose to learn from the action of the parent? My parents had used the same generalized arguments to frighten me. This was one boy that refused to be bullied or denied. They never heard why I had secretly bought one. They just assumed without KNOWING the answer. They tore it up before my eyes. The honest communication between parents and child had been denied by their will. The example of a parent can have enormous consequences on their children. This act awakened an obsessive desire of toy destruction which had never been known before by me. The lasting effect has haunted me into adulthood. While loving the dolls, the act of my parent had kept flooding my young mind until thoughts became actions. There are those in law enforcement that says toy abuse leads to crimes against humanity. A 2006 university study in England says it is a rite of passage. I had made cassette tapes from media sources talking about it over many years. Things might have been different had they listened instead of just acting out of anger and fear from the beginning. This did cause me to duplicate it on selected dolls throughout my life just to prove to myself of my own masculinity. That was what I learned from my parents. Upon self analysis of their arguments, I knew they were showing an err in judgement. I never wanted to be a girl nor dress like a female. I was MASCULINE and enjoyed it. From the age of six, girls were my interest. They provided a stimulus of intellect and emotion not exhibited by the boys. Though I liked playing sports and the various activities, the girls were interesting in logic and choice. The principal of an elementary school had me transferred because his daughter and me enjoyed one another’s company. I never treated her but with respect and good manners. We never played barbies. The message was boys should not like girls. However, I knew that boys date and even marry the opposite sex when older. There was a natural attraction for me. I understood that there was a need to try and understand that gender that would one day enter my life as girlfriend and wife. Having been sexually assaulted by two male peers in elementary school did not make me hate my gender. It made me focus my anger toward them and the teacher. I never told nor used violence against them. Never had I known about oral sex in porn until unwillingly forced upon me while on my elementary school bus. That never made me try to have sex before marriage nor commit sexual offenses toward females. It was clearly known by me that my actions had consequences. What I could do was use the experience as a cartelist to be the best guy possible. My parents thought destruction of barbie and verbal abuse would assure my compliance to their will. NO!!! This only fueled my determination to not be denigrated by such ignorance. It was a battle set in firm conviction that no matter how long nor at what my personal cost, they would never win. The more they destroyed only resulted in replenishment of Barbies. It was a matter of principle versus fear and traditional ignorance. It has gone on for decades. One parent has died. It will stop with my or the other one’s death. You see I am one that does not follow blindly anyone or any belief. Gender confusion and all the other garbage used to explain why boys like barbies denies that there is a NATURAL attraction for males and females. Boys who have a strong attraction for females will be confused by the supposition that female dolls are ONLY for girls. This attraction is so powerful that they confuse the natural with the traditional ignorance of child rearing. Barbie is female and boys male. Do not boys grow up to date and marry females? Is this not acceptable behavior? Why then is it not recognized that some boys will like female dolls? Instead of being ignorant, the parents or guardians can use the dolls to teach the boys the proper respect and attitude toward females. If dolls is ONLY for girls, why are expectant fathers given them in child birth classes? Hypocrisy. They are to help them learn to take care of a real baby. This hypocritical use of doll play with males is acceptable. Why not use Barbies as a teaching tool? Traditional ignorance and pride. says boys do not play with dolls. They do not know that “action figure” was coined to mask the fact that Gi Joe was a doll. These gullible people swallowed the bait hook, line, and sinker. Barbies never stopped me from being a published artist. They never caused me to shy away from hard and oft times muddy jobs. Barbies never caused me to be arrested nor be shallow in my view of females. My parents have caused me to be an avid collector. I speak from decades of personal experience. My enjoyment of Barbies have only increased well into adulthood. My parent still believes by bullying and verbal abuse that I will finally give up. NEVER. If I had been emotionally weak as a child, I could have been lead to believe the arguments had a basis for me.
One major problem in society is not being able to differentiate the fantasy of toys with that of the real world. Barbies are fantasy like cartoons and Godzilla. They have no anatomical correctness nor life. Many in society say that this plastic object has a perfect figure and is a beauty standard for real females. Though it may be beautiful, it is still just a lifeless designed toy. Barbies never made me view the value of females on outward appearance
10. Stacey S_MOD said:
August 11, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
When my son was 4 I took him to the toy store and told him he could have whatever he wanted just so long as it didn’t cost more then $40. He spent FOREVER pouring over all the items on the shelves. Up & down the isles he went just looking for that perfect something. Then he saw it… a Barbie Doll with a mermaid tail that blue bubbles out of her head! He was so thrilled looking through the plastic window on the box…I could tell he couldn’t wait to rip her out of there. I said really? Out of everything in the store THIS is what you want? With those big beautiful brown eyes & a smile from ear to ear he said yes!
The only thing that was better then seeing the joy on my child’s face was seeing the horror of the big guy at the food court checking out my son playing with his black mermaid Barbie doll (did I mentioned we lived in Tennessee at the time?)
Fast forward to 2008. My son his 16 years old & has a HUGE appreciation of the opposite sex.
However….if he had grown up to be gay I really would have been okay with that, just so long as he had someone in his life that loved him & treated him well. The only 2 things I would NOT want my son to be is a drug user or a criminal….everything else is pretty much A-Ok with me just so long as he’s happy, healthy, & productive.
11. Kymberly said:
August 11, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
My son showed no interest in Barbies but he did have a Fisher Price doll house (the older one when it was still pink and white) He also had a toy vacuum cleaner that he LOVED.
I can see no problem with allowing a little boy to discover that contrary to popular belief, having contact with a vacuum cleaner will not, in fact, cause his penis to detach.