I’m not a bad housekeeper. I keep the important things clean enough so that there isn’t really any visible crud to make us–or pop-in visitors–uncomfortable.

But, you know, the out-of-the-ordinary gets neglected. The things that are aside from the vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, kitchen scouring, living area dusting. So, twice a year, I do a Big Clean. The first one is typically before my son’s birthday in November–that way the house is clean for holiday guests and we’ve shifted crap around (and out) to make room for new crap that will be brought in for his birthday, Christmas and my daughter’s birthday (in January). The second Big Clean usually happens in the middle of summer right before someone visits from out of town. We clean not only for the guests. It’s not just so they don’t think we live in squalor. It’s to keep up with it all periodically so we don’t slip into squalor little bit by little bit. It’s to stay on top of the clutter and grime so we don’t get buried underneath it.

I like the Big Clean, and I hate it. I like it because twice a year we have everything sparkling and nice and all put away. I hate it because it’s a lot of goddamned motherfucking work. It has to be done in layers and with the timing just right, otherwise you won’t meet your deadline (birthday/out of town visitors), or you’ll get it all done too soon and the place will be all crapped up before the anticipated date. It really sucks ass to do a Big Clean too early and then have to do a Moderate Clean again a few days later just so the place is presentable when your guests arrive. Right now I am 8 days out from deadline. Which explains why I’m sitting on my bed, laptop on lap, sucking down a half a pot of coffee, and er, writing a blog about cleaning.

I have finished the list phase. I made a list of all the things that need to be attended to before the 5th. I could just save this list to use time and again, but you know, the list phase is important, it helps you psych up for the Big Clean. If it were already done, then that would be like not stretching before running a marathon.

I’ve finished the “get stuff” phase, where you follow your list and purchase the things you need to clean properly. Soap for the carpet shampooer, new mop-heads, those lovely swiffer dusters, and so on. This is an important phase too, because stocking up on cleaning supplies ensures you’ll have them on hand throughout the year, between Big Cleans.

I’ve finished the scheduling phase. Where I check the weather to find the ideal days to shampoo the carpets (so they dry properly) and outlined exactly which days we need to address which layer—when we sort through and organize the toys, when we dust the up-high light fixtures and wash corners, when we clean the exterior windows, when we take everything out of the refrigerator and scrub it down (can’t be done too far in advance, because it WILL get yucked up before anyone who doesn’t live here gets to see it clean), and so on.

If all of this sounds like a really elaborate method of procrastination, I guess you’re right. See, we’re shampooing the carpets on Sunday (because it’s not supposed to rain, and well, we don’t want to be doing it over the weekend of the 4th). Which means tomorrow we’re doing the toy and book sorting, and the extreme vacuuming (using the attachments in all the corners and whatnot). So, today I’m supposed to be kind of straightening up to make that go smoother. But, I don’t want to. It gives me a headache, because I go from room to room seeing all that needs to be done and I just grind my teeth at it. We’re not a particularly tidy family, with three kids and two cats, so this straightening up is a monster job in itself, and one that will be undone a hundred times over before our guests arrive. So, it’s really, really hard to get motivated to do it. I don’t want to do it. I really, really hate cleaning.

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and have it all be done. Or fast-forward to next week when it’s all done. I know, I know, I need to get up off my lazy ass and just do it. It’ll be so worth it when it’s done, right?

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