Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.

Posted June 23, 2008 at 1:52 pm by Misty

5:15 pm, Sunday June 22nd

So.  Right now I am fairly inebriated, and in about two hours I must sober up to have the most difficult discussion with my child that I can imagine.  No, scratch that, I most certainly can imagine one more difficult, but we’ll get to that soon enough.

Terse recitation of facts has worked well for me so far, so here goes:  A close friend of mine had a daughter, Chloe, about a year ago.  Chloe was born with several massive heart defects, but was plugging along as best she could.  Chloe and my daughter Penny were very close, despite the age difference. 

This past week Chloe underwent open-heart surgery at Children’s Mercy to correct said defects.  She and her family were staying with me and mine when they weren’t at the hospital.  Chloe came out of surgery perfectly fine; ten hours later she suffered a massive stroke.  About thirty-six excruciating hours after that, she was declared brain dead.  Very soon thereafter, she was placed in her parents’ arms and the respirator was removed.  Watching that was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and she wasn’t even my baby.

Here’s another terse recitation of facts for you:  The universe is not fair.  The universe, in fact, can suck my balls.  There is no fucking sense to anything at all.  Be careful when you pray, because if you ask to take a measure of someone’s pain on yourself just to spare them, then G-d might decide to take your melodramatic ass up on that offer.  And finally, if G-d exists, He is one inscrutable, fucked-up bastard, and there’s not much He can do to me that would be worse than living as a human on this earth truly believing that He’s petty enough to both create pain like this AND hold all the names I’ve been calling Him lately against me.  Cocksucking sonofabitch.

All of that aside, this is what I found when I logged onto PostSecret this morning, the first Chloe-free morning that’s been since she was born: 

My second-fondest wish in the world, right now, is for that to be true.

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8 Responses to “Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”

1. 1. Jessica said:
   June 23, 2008 @ 4:35 pm

   I’m not even sure what to say. It’s always so horrible when a baby dies, the most innocent of all human beings. I can’t think of anybody less deserving of a short life than a 1 year old.

   I think it’s normal to look for someone or something to blame or some way to make sense of something that makes absolutely no sense. It’s a cruel reality of the world, there are just no guarantees in life for anybody. I’m not we could understand it if we were given a reason.

   Without the love that baby was given, nobody would ever know happiness or sorrow. It’s a merciless leason in life, isn’t it?

   I’m so very sorry for your loss and your friends loss. My thoughts are with you and the family.

2. 2. Stacey S said:
   June 23, 2008 @ 6:07 pm

   I am SO very sorry you and yours are going through this…my heart goes out to you.Only other people who have lost a child can truly understand what that does to you….

   http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

   When you’re ready.

3. 3. Rita said:
   June 24, 2008 @ 12:28 pm

   I keep trying to think of something meaningful to say. I know how much this little girl meant to you. I can only go back to your title and reassure you that it’s true–being so little, she probably had no fear going into the surgery, and then she most likely passed away painlessly, in the arms of the people who loved her most. It’s not much, but at the very least she had that.

   I’m so sorry, Misty.

4. 4. Kymberly Foster Seabolt said:
   June 24, 2008 @ 5:21 pm

   I have no words to offer that will make sense of it all other than that I am so sorry for your loss, your friends loss, the Universe’s loss. God Bless Chloe.

5. 5. Misty said:
   June 26, 2008 @ 10:58 am

   Thank you all. I just got back into town from the funeral, and all I can say is that I’ve never been quite so grateful for my own child and family as I am right now.

6. 6. Kristy said:
   June 26, 2008 @ 4:34 pm

   I’m so sorry. What a terrible thing to have to witness and experience.

   I thought you might like to know that “Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt” is a Kurt Vonnegut reference. If you haven’t already read him, I highly suggest that you do. based on your post, hes just who you need right now. Start with Slaughterhouse Five.

7. 7. Misty said:
   June 26, 2008 @ 4:36 pm

   Kristy—thanks, I finished re-reading S. Five for about the ninetieth time this week, and started in (again) on The Sirens of Titan. Vonnegut is my all-time favorite author; I hope to someday be one-tenth as awesome at mixing the cynical with the compassionate as he was.

8. 8. Natalie said:
   August 1, 2008 @ 2:28 pm

   I stumbled over your blog by googling this Vonnegut quote. I was interested in reading because of the glimpse of the cache. My nephew Miles died 3 weeks ago (Saturday would have been his one month birthday) and my brother is using this quote to cope. I agree with you on the universe. It’s fucked up.

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