Siblings: To Have, To Hold, To Choke
Posted
June 8, 2008 at
8:25 pm by
Kymberly
Clearly, in any attempt to effectively manage or overthrow fierce dictators bent on forcing their will on a helpless populace, it is imperative that our country’s ambassadors be well versed in conflict resolution and the careful handling of narcissistic personalities bent on personal victory at all costs. Ideally, these people should be parents.
Diplomatic. Not until I had children did I realize how much of this parenting gig was all about diplomatic relations.
For all the talk of how ideal it was that my children were spaced almost exactly two years apart, presumably so they could grow up close to each other, it was never made clear that this actually meant “close enough to poke the other’s eye out.”
It is said that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. It may be assumed, then, that you should keep your siblings closest. Directly under your foot might be good.
Referee. I now routinely spend my days refereeing blatant acts of aggression, in-fighting, and attempted coups on the part of my son and daughter. Each of whom sprung from birth fully equipped and eminently capable of arguing to the end of time over such crucial life altering decisions such as who has the biggest piece (of what? Who cares?)
Size is key. The item in question could be a clump of mud. It wouldn’t matter.
Who went “first” last time; and who has dibs on any and every thing in (as my son has actually claimed) “the whole world to infinity plus six.” Repeat as needed.
Only child. Granted, this might be a non-issue for the average parent, but I am operating under one glaring handicap: I was raised an only child.
As a result I am utterly incapable of grasping what makes window seating, the blue cup, or being first in or out of any door so crucial that one would be moved to tears over not achieving any or all of these aims.
My husband, one of four children and - it might be worth mentioning, the only boy - finds my utter incomprehension fascinating.
It is, as he puts it, as only a person who spent too many carefree years riding shotgun, always getting the biggest piece, and having to share nothing would think.
I know not the fight to the death over the red toothbrush or what that means for all future negotiations if one should actually suffer the indignity, and resultant weakness, of losing.
No insight. Thus, I cannot understand why my two otherwise loving, sweet, and caring children can be stirred to shove each other brutally over which one gets to push a shopping cart, for example.
Or that my obvious solution that they take turns would simply disseminate into a secondary struggle over who would push “first.”
“First” being a term that I hope to abolish from the English language along with “always” and “never.” As in “you always let him go first” and “You never let me do anything!”
It helps if your children are sufficiently dramatic so that each of these utterances is accompanied by hand wringing and the flinging of themselves to the floor in a performance worthy of vintage Olivier.
Drama. Extra points are awarded if a child can shriek, as if in pain, “he’s looking at me!” in a frequency heard only by dogs, beleaguered parents, and certain childless people who are always convinced that their children, if they had any, would never behave that way.
Of course, as a result of my only child status, I was also not well versed in the stealthy, and seemingly innocuous way that sibling torture can occur.
Once, at age 4, our daughter appeared before me sobbing and clearly in real distress. Upon hearing (through nearly unintelligible sobs) that her brother had been “kicking” her, I was moved to set aside my usual “don’t ask, don’t tell” position on tattling and call in the big guns - namely me.
Rushing upstairs to confront the culprit with my still sobbing, but now deliciously martyred daughter in tow, I cornered the alleged perpetrator at the scene of the crime and let him have it.
Oops. Coming up for air only long enough to pause in my “we do not, and I mean do not, ever hit or kick a person in this family mister” diatribe, I was met with his incredulous reply: “But mommy, I wasn’t kicking her, I was kissing her.”
Which just goes to show that when it comes to even the most otherwise loving siblings, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss; but other times, it’s a little more like a declaration of war.
Immunity. So what’s a mother got to do to get a little diplomatic immunity?
Tags: brothers, children, choke, Family, fighting, kicking, kissing, only-child, Parenting, poke, raising, rivalry, Sibling, sisters |
6 Responses to “Siblings: To Have, To Hold, To Choke”
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1. Grandma frm Ks. said:
June 9, 2008 @ 12:44 am
Kimberly, plz don’t want to kill me, but at this minute I am laughing so hard, you brought back so many memories, I’m a lot older than you and I would be one of those who would say My kids did’nt act like that, But as they have had their families I have heard war stories of some things they did that Dad and I just did’nt notice, but my grandkids God Love em’ sound just like what you described, I have no wise words of wisdom, b/c what I have learned, what worked for me for some reason don’t work for our kids, The one thing I will say is that this will pass and when you face the next hurddle, you’ll probably wish you could have this one back, “When they are little, they walk on your feet, When they are grown, they walk on your heart” no matter how old they get, until the day you leave this world they will always be the first thing on your mind and in your heart, Blessings to you and yours.
2. Rita said:
June 9, 2008 @ 9:12 am
Oh, I know. I hear ya. My husband is the only child though, so he’s the one who doesn’t get it.
I try to stay in the middle with it. My kids are oddly spaced–4 years between 1&2, then 6 years between 2&3 (meaning 10 years between 1&3). So, I do have to watch out for actual bullying where someone might get hurt. My kids are generally careful, but accidents can happen in shoving matches or tug-o-wars over the remote control.
Personally, unless they are doing something that’s potentially dangerous where someone can get hurt, OR they’re irritating the fuck out of me, I let them have at it. I figure this is the glue that makes these sibling relationships so strong. Not just the being allies against the parents, but the intimacy that comes from the heat of fury and hate that only brothers and sisters can feel for each other. To stop that end of the spectrum would compromise the whole relationship, I think. I also think that my screaming, “Knock it off, I am SICK of listening to this…you kids are gonna get it!” helps to make them closer (because I’m the big, bad, grossly unfair mommy-bitch that they can team up against). My older kids will fight like their lives depend on it (and they’re both black belts, so we’re talking like real fights) one minute, and then come to me, all smiles and good cheer, asking to ride to Dairy Queen together (and yeah, he’ll look out for her and keep her safe) the next.
3. Jessica. said:
June 9, 2008 @ 12:18 pm
Wife of an only as well. Prescott doesn’t understand how I so effectively ignore our children when they’re fighting, but I had 18 years of living in the same house with a brother and sister that enabled me to tweak this skill to it’s fullest.
My kids fight too. It doesn’t matter how spread apart they are (mine are almost 5 years apart), they will still fight. My kids wrestle all the time and it drives me crazy. I so want to put on an addition in order to have a wide open place where they can just go at each other and I can close the door. May the best man win, and don’t think that my 5 year old doesn’t have an advantage over my almost 10 year old. Even his crying, whining and whoop ass to make our goldfish do an about face.
4. Kymberly Foster Seabolt said:
June 9, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
Personally, unless they are doing something that’s potentially dangerous where someone can get hurt, OR they’re irritating the fuck out of me, I let them have at it.[/quote]
Yes but if they are annoying the fu@# out of me, someone’s GOING to get hurt!
There should be a special support group/learning curve for only-children parenting siblings. We would meet every Saturday in a basement somewhere and discuss things such as “red cup, blue cup, what does it all MEAN?”
5. Prescott said:
June 9, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
[quote comment="169220"]We would meet every Saturday in a basement somewhere and discuss things such as “red cup, blue cup, what does it all MEAN?”[/quote]
Count me in — I’ll even bring the bourbon.
6. Grandma frm Ks. said:
June 9, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
[quote comment="169234"][quote comment="169220"]We would meet every Saturday in a basement somewhere and discuss things such as “red cup, blue cup, what does it all MEAN?”[/quote]
Count me in — I’ll even bring the bourbon.[/quote]
Hey don’t forget the glasses or shot glasses, what ever you drink bourbon out of, oh to heck with glasses with some of my grandkids I’ll just take the bottle, You guys are funny.