I’ve always liked the idea of a pen name. I’ve published under my maiden name, and my married name, but I like the idea of the anonymity that comes with a nom de plume. Especially now that my kids are school aged. Not that I am particularly ashamed of anything I have written, or may write in the future, but it just seems to add another layer of protection for them. In case some teacher, or parent of a friend, or clergy member happens upon something of mine and shrieks, “Holy hell! That kid’s mother wrote this?” And the next thing you know my child is shunned, my house is spray painted with graffiti, my cats have rocks thrown at them and my family is run out of town. Of course, that’s not a problem yet, since nobody reads anything I write. But, if I’m lucky, it may be!

It’s also a great time waster to sit around and think of the perfect alias. I gave a lot of thought to that very idea before signing on to write here. The best one I could come up with was, “Sharpie.” I still like that. Get it? Pen name…Sharpie? It’s a pun, but also a neat name, it inspires images of a wicked tongue, quick-wit, and, well, permanence. In the end, I decided not to be so silly.

But, once in a while I give it some serious consideration. I thought about using my grandmother’s maiden name. This would be my dad’s mom. Her side of the family was all women, so the name died off as the women took their husbands’ names, and it would be cool to give it a little revival. It’s a good name—Clever. I’d go by Rita Clever. But, I know I’d have to explain it all the time, because they said it like Clee-ver, like a meat cleaver, not Cleh-ver, like in really smart and wily. Plus, there is that whole Leave it to Beaver thing. Nah. Anyway, when I told my dad my thoughts, he laughed and said, “Oh, honey, that was an Ellis Island name. Your great-great grandfather just made it up when he came over on the boat.” So much for fulfilling an obligation to carry on the family name. That also explains the mispronunciation. He must not have been a very clever guy.

I could use my maiden name, but I don’t want any of the assholes from high school tracking me down. Other people just use their middle name, but mine is Joy, and that sounds like I used my middle name as my last name because I couldn’t come up with anything better—Rita Joy.

My daughter suggested Moh. She said that when she grows up, she wants to change her name to Moh. Why Moh? Well, Mike Moh is her former tae kwon do instructor and she adores him (but, not like that, ewww, ‘cause he’s like old–her upper age limit these days is like twelve). Plus, we have this ten-letter, very ethnic name that is an absolute pain in the ass. It’s an Italian name, and that would be cool if any of us were Italian. But, we’re not. We’re all these blond haired, pale-eyed WASPS going around with this huge and ridiculous name. My husband was adopted by Italians, you see. With a first name of Rita and a big long Italian name, I cannot tell you how many people have said, “Oh, wow, you do NOT look like I thought! I was imagining this dark haired Italian woman!” It’s irritating. When I first got married, I really took time with people and walked them through the name to make sure they knew how to pronounce it. My husband told me that within a year I’d be accepting anything with the right first letter and praising the stranger’s obvious gift with foreign pronunciations. He was right. I actually get irritated when people stutter and stumble through my name as though it’s some party game (Wait, wait, let me try one more time, is it like this…?). Just admit you don’t have a clue and I’ll say it for you and we can be on our way. But, anyway, that would explain my daughter’s yearning for a three-letter last name.

What’s really interesting about that is how it never crossed my daughter’s mind that a name like Moh might be off-limits to her. My husband and I tittered a little when she suggested it, because, to us, it brings forth a very Asian image. And, she’s not Asian. But, she’s not Italian either and she goes around with that distinct name. It never occurred to my daughter that race would be implied in a name. The two haven’t blended in her own life at all. The real and very Caucasian Mrs. Moh traded in her own twelve letter, consonant-heavy, ethnic name for the tidy little three letter one. So, my daughter must’ve figured, why can’t she, too?

How far we have come when our children don’t associate race with names? I think we may have inadvertently crossed some big barrier here with this. Adoptions and marriages and changing names on a whim, it has added to this whole melting pot of America. Which is kind of cool. Ethnic names are cool, too, and so is deep heritage. I envy my husband’s family, tracing their lines via the name to the old country. But, that’s not who we are. Our blood-line on his side basically starts with him, since that’s as far back as we can trace. On my side, it goes all over the place. It seems that with blended families, hyphenated names and marriages of mixed races and religions, the history of the name is becoming less and less important. Maybe, we’ll become tired of the bland and generic Smith and Jones that our forefathers favored, and our kids, in the ever-evolving pursuit of individuality, will be trying out some of the ethnic names that others left behind? We’re American and we’re nothing if not creative with our names! I know off the top of your head you could think of ten ridiculous things people have decided to call their children. Prince went around with a symbol for his name for a while. So, I can really see kids of tomorrow getting into picking up last names just for the feel of them in their mouths, not caring a bit about the origin of the name.

As for the pen name, I’m still playing around with it, trying out different things that I love as a last name, things that flow phonetically, like my favorite beverages: Rita Merlot, or Rita Joy Latte. Actors I have crushes on: Rita Li (Jet is HOT!), or Rita-Downey-Junior. My favorite food? Rita Fajita. How about my favorite authors? R.J. Rowling. Or Rita Palahniuk. Maybe I could mix up the spellings to get a more realistic air, like for my favorite pastime: Rita Knapp. Or my favorite pet: Rita Katz. But, I promise, no matter how tempting, I won’t do Rita Book.

Bookmark to: