Obviously, I am failing to see the big picture, money wise, and for this (and my being a writer — a career path which ranks slightly lower than illegal alien bus boy in terms of financial success), I’m unlikely to ever be obscenely, or even (let’s face it) G-ratedly, rich.

Certainly, I’ll have my petty financial victories. Re-using a postage stamp that somehow missed the cancellation mark; getting an extra quarter back from an unwitting vending machine; actually remembering to mail in one of those annoying rebate forms and ultimately receiving $5 off my next software purchase (select titles, Spanish versions only).

Yet, the kind of money that allows me to, oh say, leave my house to charity and move to my Italian villa for “the season” is likely to continue to elude me.

This was painfully clear to me when I unwittingly fell into a discussion of plans for the government’s recent “economic stimulus package payment” with an investment savvy friend the other day. As he went over (and over and over and OVER) rates, points, terms, and, I don’t know, some other boring money thing, at some point all I heard was blabbity, blah, blah, blah.

We were talking about a fair chunk of change and yet I was rather, well, bored, with the whole thing.

This wouldn’t be notable except that later, I met friends for coffee and lamented the high cost of a $3.00 latte. $4 gas, and a $5 (basic) car wash (who me spring for the undercarriage spray and hot wax? What are we? Rich?)

I’ll dine out, spending far too much (tip excluded) on a platter of fried cheese sticks and a couple of tumblers of iced tea, but balk at spending $2 for bottled water when it clearly should cost $1 less.

Obviously, I’m oblivious to dollars while pinching dimes. Forget pork barrel politics. For my money, the Fed needs to quit focusing on interest rates and get to the heart of consumer confidence: pork chops.I know nothing gets the gals talking more than a rise in prices at the local grocery. Forget the deficit, we just want to know we won’t have to mortgage the house to score a cantaloupe. As if the house held any value to make that possible these days anyway.

Fortunately, I have my own little economic stimulus plan. I can always drum up a little extra income by simply returning something I had previously bought. So, say I return $80 worth of drapes that turned out to be all wrong for my living room. Upon receiving my money back, I’m suddenly $80 richer!

Curiously, I can’t spend that “found” money fast enough. It’s extra income after all!

When I boasted about my coup to a friend, she generously shared her own theory. Say she returned a $40 jacket to a store, after realizing it made her look like a hunch backed squirrel, but at the same store saw a to-die-for pair of boots for $65. Fortunately, with her $40 credit from the jacket now burning a hole in her jacketless pocket, the boots “only” cost her $25 — clearly a “savings” of $40.If we couple that with that “found” $40 from the return why, the boots are practically free!

We can’t prove it, but we feel certain she made money on the deal.

As the discount shopping pros always know: you have to spend, spend, spend in order to really save!

More importantly, as I know all too well, when it comes to my money there is one undeniable truth: less really is more.

As a result, I know it’s my duty as a loyal patriot to spend, spend, spend but I think I’m going to leave the flat screen and Ski-doo at the store.

So what are you planning to do with yours? Are you a spender? A saver? Or a “hey we can finally afford that tank of gas we’ve had our eye on!” type of economic stimulator?

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