Custody Battle
Posted
May 17, 2008 at
4:43 pm by
Kadi
I have succumbed to the fact that nothing I own belongs to just me. Even my personal sanctuary was tainted with kiddie cooties, when Dad had to put the kids in my special spa tub last night. He had no choice, as the other tubs were out of order, but that is another long and disgusting story. Grimy playground residue now decorates the non slip floor of my precious bath tub, because my husband forgot to rinse it out. Being that he took on the task of bathing all seven kids, it would have been down right bitchy to complain about the presence of spawn scum. After last night’s bath, it was quite evident that the separation of “Mom” and “Me,” is dangerously close to extinction. There is rapidly decreasing space for a “Me” in this house. As a result of last night, I’m currently trying to figure out how to install a secret spa tub in the back of the van. I tried to take measurements but the fossilized layer of fishy crackers and football equipment, kept me from being able to maneuver around. I may have to call in a professional. Once the tub installation is complete, I will be able to drive to an undisclosed location and take a relaxing soak, without fear of slipping on tear free shampoo slime and having an amputated Barbie leg inadvertently crammed up my ass…ouch!
The loss of my tub’s virginity, was enough to make me want to cry. Not because it happened once, but because it will be considered open territiory from here on out. Like, “Hey Dad, the bearded dragons need a good scrubbing. I’m gonna use mom’s tub ‘cuz they like the jets.” Mark my word, it won’t be long until I’m sharing bubble bath with the resident reptiles. The tub isn’t the only thing in this house that has been erroneously encroached upon and ultimately soiled. I am always finding greasy little lip marks on my beloved Dr. Pepper. The kids know how badly their practice of sipping on my soda pisses me off, yet they do it every time I turn my back for a second. I despise those tiny floating remnants of back wash and the way they taunt me to take a big gulp without ingesting one of them. Most of the time, I chug the whole damn can before even setting it down, because I know it is my only chance to drink the contents, without encountering spittle. My spawn have gotten wise to my game, though. I recently discovered many cans, sitting in our fridge, empty and placed back in their original positions. I am in the midst of devising a repellant solution, made of vinegar and hot sauce. I will fill half full cans of soda, then sit back and watch as the little miscreants suffer the wrath of the meanest mommy on the planet.
The way I see it, there are two choices. I can either allow the “Me” to fight back and rage war against the ones who threaten my right to retain a smidge of individuality. Traveling this route could be time consuming and potentially deadly (for me.) My other option is to let the “Mom’ win and wave the white flag. I’m only twenty nine and I still have a long stint as a stay at home mother. It will be at least 16 more years until I can boot the last one out. If I give up now, I might very well live out the next 16 years in a comatose state and stink like a bucket full of buttholes from the lack of a decent bath. I think I’ll take my chances and fight for my right to cootie free Dr. Pepper and a non-scummy tub. After all, the “Mom’ may make up a larger part of who I am, but the “Me’ still has seniority!
Tags: bathing, custody, dirty, food, gross, Humor, identity, individuality, kids, mom, separation, spa |
11 Responses to “Custody Battle”
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1. Allison G. said:
May 17, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
Super-funny post, Kadi! The pictures made me laugh! That’s how I look when my kids steal my soda!
Is that really your tub? Eeewww! Ya know, a secret tub in the van sounds like the perfect idea……
2. Kennedy said:
May 17, 2008 @ 6:19 pm
LOL! My little girl does the same thing with my Diet Coke. I turn around and there she is…chuggin’ away on it.
I wish I HAD my own tub too, but that’s one luxury I haven’t gotten. At least not yet.
3. Kymberly Foster Seabolt said:
May 17, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
Me space? Who is this “me” you speak of? I don’t think I’ve met her.
Is she an action figure?
Perhaps one of the children’s friends …
4. Rita said:
May 18, 2008 @ 8:43 am
“After all, the “Mom’ may make up a larger part of who I am, but the “Me’ still has seniority!”
Absolutely!
What would Supernanny say? You can probably do the accent better in your own head than I could mimic here. But, you know what she’d say! Having a bath tub of your own and cans of your own untainted beverages are not too much to ask!
I do not want my own bathtub, baths give me UTIs. Nor do I drink canned soft drinks. But, I have my own things. My iPod, for one. Oh my GOD, my 9 year-old “borrowed” my earphones for her music thing (without asking) and took them with her when she went to tae kwon do last week (without telling me). I searched up and down and finally called dh to ask if he knew where they were and he confirmed they were indeed in the van. When she came home, she handed them to me, crying, literal tears rolling down her cheeks and before I could say anything, she blurted out, “I’m sorry Mommy, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!” So, my children are apparently afraid of me, when push comes to shove. And that’s the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it (uh-huh-uh-huh).
Get your tub back and reclaim it!
5. Kadi said:
May 18, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Sounds like you are in dire need of a reminder of who you used to be and still are deep down inside…somehwere….amongst the Mommy thoughts and thousands of mental post it notes.
6. Jessica said:
May 18, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
I can totally relate. I have to hide in a closet to eat my coveted weight watchers ice-cream bars. I always feel like I have an eating disorder.
I swear, all I want out of life right now — to eat splenda laden ice-cream without sharing and to go to the bathroom in peace. Just me, the toilet and People magazine.
7. ninja weiner nah nah said:
May 18, 2008 @ 9:13 pm
[quote comment="164317"]I can totally relate. I have to hide in a closet to eat my coveted weight watchers ice-cream bars. I always feel like I have an eating disorder.
I swear, all I want out of life right now — to eat splenda laden ice-cream without sharing and to go to the bathroom in peace. Just me, the toilet and People magazine.[/quote]
LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are we living the same life????
8. Queen Bee said:
May 18, 2008 @ 11:34 pm
[quote comment="164317"]I can totally relate. I have to hide in a closet to eat my coveted weight watchers ice-cream bars. I always feel like I have an eating disorder.
I swear, all I want out of life right now — to eat splenda laden ice-cream without sharing and to go to the bathroom in peace. Just me, the toilet and People magazine.[/quote]
I hear ya sister!!!!!!!!!! Kadi I am actually having my own jetted tub installed in our basement bathroom so that I can shut them out LOL! I have made it clear before it’s even installed that it is MINE! I figure I am the only woman in a house floating in testosterone and I’ll be damned if it’s gonna be floating in my tub
9. Jennifer said:
May 19, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Yes, if only life consisted of not having a child attached to your leg every second of every day. Going to the bathroom in peace would be one great commodity but unfortunately I dont think I will get that priviledge back until my kid reaches puberty. haha
10. stormcarver said:
May 20, 2008 @ 10:10 am
I can so relate. I posted on this same subject last week because, with summer vacation so close, it’s only going to get worse. *sob*
The gross mix in the drink can trick? If your kids are anything like mine, it won’t work. It only makes them smarter, faster, and more cunning.
I have found that only retaliation and teaching via direct example even makes a dent (in their heads? nonono!) on this subject. Try this: The next time the kids have something they love, like ice cream sandwiches, popsicles, pudding, etc., walk up behind the worst offender and take a huge bite out of what they are eating. They will screech like a wounded cockatoo, drawing the attention of all other children in the room. When they look at you with dropped jaw, look back nonchalantly. Lick your lips and tell them, “Well, you drink my soda all the time. I figured it was ok to share your [whatever].” Most kids will start thinking.
The next time someone takes an unauthorized drink of your soda, gently remind them: “Kewl! This means I get half of your next dessert, right?” It will stop.
This same technique works with personal items and space. Just parallel your issue with some similar item or area of theirs, and make sure it’s of equal importance to them.
It’s good to be evil.
Good luck!
11. Kadi said:
May 20, 2008 @ 10:43 am