Code Polyester Cotton Blend
Posted
May 12, 2008 at
9:23 am by
Rita
You know who’s out to get us? The people who design clothing. Their attacks against America aren’t as overt as bombing our buildings or releasing Anthrax in the subway system. Their methods are slower and even more sinister. They intend to quietly drive us insane over time, and make us go around looking really bad as we slip into the abyss.
It starts when we’re little. Yeah, true, this tactic of mental ruination is most effective on the adults dressing the infants. But, they know, those clothing designers, that when parents are frustrated and scowling, it just smothers the spirits of the infants whose limbs are being stuffed into the cotton blend contraptions all hours of the day and night. So, the babies suffer, too. This has been long recognized and acknowledged on the McSweeny site, in the epic classic Open Letter to the Manufacturers of Infant Sleepwear.
Then the infant ages into toddler-hood, a little less of a person than she was before the baby suit snaps got to her mother and made her head jerk and her eyes twitch. Now, the child gets to wear rhinestone-edged halter tops and stretchy pants that say JUICY across the ass while she stumbles around the playground. If a diaper bulge is apparent, then that logo takes on a whole new meaning. The child’s mother maybe would have preferred something less adult for her toddling wee one, but that little window of time back in January when the stores were selling children’s summer clothing came and went. She hadn’t bought anything then because she was a new mother and unaware of how to calculate what size her child might be in six months and purchase accordingly. So, she bought these horrible things out of desperation. See? clothing designers at work. They control the whole market, manipulating our sanity from every angle.
The mother has her own clothing problems anyway. Women’s sizes are notoriously inconsistent. If those clothing designers really wanted to serve us, then they’d offer two sizes of everything. There would be a size “10 pre-pregnancy” and a size “10-Mom.” The “10-Mom” would be the same size as the pre-pregnancy 10 in all areas but the waist. The waist would be cut in some way that accommodates the extra skin so that the awful “muffin top” thing wouldn’t happen. Would that be so hard? Because even though the scale says the same number as before, it doesn’t mean everything settled back in the same way. This mother still hasn’t found her new women’s Mom-size. She tried increasing the pant size according to her larger waist, but found that the hips and butt of the pants increased exponentially. So that when she found a pair of jeans that fit the waist, she looked a circus ringmaster. Head hung low, her self-esteem crushed, she went into the Men’s Section.
After some humbling trial and error (was that number for the waist really inches?) she found a pair of jeans that fit her and she gathered up five pair, since she didn’t want to be seen in this area shopping for herself ever again. Another tactic of the clothing designers, they drive us to humiliation by forcing us to cross-dress. Casually, she poked through the men’s shirts to make it look like she was browsing for her husband all along, and she found some new work shirts on sale. His size doesn’t change. Men almost never need to buy new clothes. The clothing designers rarely get an opportunity to harm them. Which makes men the most likely suspects for running this most cunning threat to America. Unless the man happens to golf. It’s obvious that there aren’t any golfers in the clothing designer ring.
Although it’s the middle of summer, the mother notices that the fall clothes are being displayed in the girls’ section. She tries to anticipate what size her now eighteen month-old daughter might be wearing come October when the clothes on the rack would be appropriate for the weather. She grabs some bell bottom jeans with pre-torn holes in the knees and a bodice-hugging itchy sweater with a plunging neckline. She debates buying the spaghetti strapped Christmas dress but decides to wait on it.
The next morning, head aching from the wine-therapy she treated herself to the night before, this woman endures the final assault put upon her by the clothing designers in their attempts to cancel our will to live. Before washing her husband’s new shirts, she has to pluck all of the hidden pins out of the collar and sleeves. The pins are carefully placed so they’re hard to find without getting poked and the pin-heads are tiny so they’re easy to drop and get stepped on by an adult, or eaten by the toddler later on in the day.
So menacing is this clothing designer threat, that you won’t even find it on Fox or CNN. It has yet to surface on Sean Hannity’s radar and Al Gore hasn’t announced a documentary about it. Which makes you wonder if they’re all in on it, too.
Tags: clothing-sizes, Humor, infant-clothing, mens-clothing, muffin-top, toddler-slut-wear, womens-clothing |
9 Responses to “Code Polyester Cotton Blend”
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1. Allison G. said:
May 12, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
How funny was this article! LOL
I know what you mean about the Pre-pregnancy 10 and the Mom 10 sizes.
I lost about 26 pounds last year and went from a tight size 14 to a comfortable 12.
“12!? Yeah! I was a 12 when I got pregnant with my first kid 6 years ago!”
So if the size says the same thing, why don’t I look the same? You’d think dropping 26 pounds and 2 pants sizes would show SOME difference. Looking at pictures from last year, I must have lost all of it in my face and collar-bone area. Because I am still a muffin-top mamma!
2. Jessica said:
May 12, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
I’m chalking the muffin top up to age and now the trainers at the club I joined, who are akin to used car salesmen, keep telling me that when I hit 40, I might as well apply for a permanent credit at Lane Bryant.
I hate shopping. I hate clothes shopping for my kids, I especially hate it for myself. Nothing fits right and everything is made for women who are shaped like prepubescent boys.
3. Allison J said:
May 12, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
According to a recent magazine tidbit:
"While only 8% of American women have an hourglass figure — wherein the waist measures at least 9 inches less than the bust — most new clothes are designed to fit that shape."
So sad that the baby doll and empire style tops aren’t in fashion this summer.
4. Rita said:
May 12, 2008 @ 8:09 pm
So sad that the baby doll and empire style tops aren’t in fashion this summer.[/quote]
Those styles always cause the people around me to give me the “knowing smile” and ask me when I’m due. Minutes of uncomfortable conversation follows.
5. Allison J said:
May 12, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
[quote comment="163026"][quote comment="163025"]
So sad that the baby doll and empire style tops aren’t in fashion this summer.[/quote]
Those styles always cause the people around me to give me the “knowing smile” and ask me when I’m due. Minutes of uncomfortable conversation follows.[/quote]
LOL!
Last summer while my BF was at work a customer asked her when she was due. She was wearing an adorable baby doll top, and while I didn’t think she looked as if she had a bun in her over, this gentleman apparently did.
She was newly married and absolutely SICK of people asking her when she would be getting knocked up. Any talk of babies and pregnancy soon began to send her over the edge.
Needless to say, she snapped. She said, and I quote, “Just because I have ovaries does not mean I have to use them!”
Poor guy. I’m sure he never made that mistake again.
6. Allison G. said:
May 13, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
[quote comment="163030"][quote comment="163026"][quote comment="163025"]
So sad that the baby doll and empire style tops aren’t in fashion this summer.[/quote]
Those styles always cause the people around me to give me the “knowing smile” and ask me when I’m due. Minutes of uncomfortable conversation follows.[/quote]
LOL!
Last summer while my BF was at work a customer asked her when she was due. She was wearing an adorable baby doll top, and while I didn’t think she looked as if she had a bun in her over, this gentleman apparently did.
She was newly married and absolutely SICK of people asking her when she would be getting knocked up. Any talk of babies and pregnancy soon began to send her over the edge.
Needless to say, she snapped. She said, and I quote, “Just because I have ovaries does not mean I have to use them!”
Poor guy. I’m sure he never made that mistake again.[/quote]
LOL Rita. Matt Dillon was quoted in a magazine as saying “I’ve always learned to never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see the baby crowning.” Something like that I think.
My friend’s mom asked me if I was pregnant again last summer. But it wasn’t a shy kind of “Um, are you expecting?” It was more like “Allison! You didn’t tell me you were pregnant again!” She was so sure of it it her comment. I just said “No that’s just what poor posture, bad diet, and an empire waist shirt will do to you.”
7. Rita said:
May 13, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
LOL Rita. Matt Dillon was quoted in a magazine as saying “I’ve always learned to never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see the baby crowning.” Something like that I think.
[/quote]
Oh, I love Matt Dillon.
I used to get asked about my non-existent, impending infant all the time before I had this abdominal repair. After my second kid, I had a severe abdominal diastasis, and the more weight I lost, the more pronounced it became. I got kind of good at camouflaging it with certain clothes, but until I mastered that, I was asked about it all the time. It got to where I’d just lie and make up a due date. Because otherwise, having to keep standing in line next to the person who just made a fool out of themselves by commenting on your abnormal body shape was just too uncomfortable. So, yeah, I’d do some quick math about five months out and plop down a due date just to have to avoid saying once again that I’m not pregnant.
8. Ann Marie said:
May 13, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
LOL, oh this was funny Rita. So………did you ever wear your famous orange top again after you saw it in a photograph?
9. Rita said:
May 13, 2008 @ 7:55 pm
No. It was proof positive that the women in my family hate me, since they all insisted I looked so good in it. Then I saw photographic evidence that they just flat out lied.