Boy Brain
Posted
May 9, 2008 at
8:37 am by
Rita
This is a rant. This is only a rant. For the next few paragraphs, this blog will conduct a rant about men. This is only a rant. If this had been an actual essay, the entry you’re about to read would have included actual sources to back up the claims it made.
I’m not a fan of stereotyping. I think it can lead to prejudices and other bad things. I also think that if people hold up a stereotype as the norm, then those who don’t fit into that set of characteristics are left a little confused about their identities, maybe ashamed of who they are, and try in an unhealthy way to make themselves be more like the group they were born into. But, this particular entry is going to just neatly set aside those particular beliefs a little bit.
I’ve always liked the company of men. My very first best friend was the little boy across the street. In high school and college my closest confidants were men. My husband is still my very best friend. And the people I choose to hang out with now as an old, married, mother of three are younger single men.
The reason young single men make good pals for an old, married, mother of three is also a list of their faults for a potential mate: they don’t plan ahead, they’re afraid of commitment, you’re “out of sight, out of mind” to them, and they work a lot. For me, this means that I can call them up at a moment’s notice when I want to get out of the house (to see a movie, to shoot pool, whatever), and if they’re not working late, they’re generally able to go—NOW!—as in, they can meet you at the place in fifteen minutes. Typically with guy friends, too, if there is some obligation coming up, you know about it, because it’s all they fucking talk about. “Did I tell you, I’m on this basketball team that meets on Wednesday nights…This guy on my Wednesday night basketball team goes…So, I told her, no I can’t do shit on Wednesdays because that’s my basketball night…” You never can tell whether they do this because they need to announce to everyone that they do in fact have a life and leave the house other than to work and grocery shop, or whether the repetition of it is a memory tactic. Like Dory in Finding Nemo, if they keep saying it, then Wednesday won’t come and go and on Friday morning realizing, “ Awww, hell, I missed basketball on Wednesday! ” And, only a woman married for seventeen years would suspect that’s the real reason.
My women friends share my boat. They need to schedule ahead, around kid events, make sure their husband can be home with the kids, then re-schedule when something comes up, and then the actual date happens weeks after you originally wanted to go, and now it’s more of an obligation than a treat of getting out of the house.
Then, when the date is done, with the guys, that’s it. They don’t bug you with follow up phone calls clarifying, “You know I didn’t mean anything when I said that about your countertops, I hope you weren’t offended. I was worried all night that you thought I insulted your countertops.” Like women. Whatever had been talked about after the movie or when shooting pool is long forgotten by morning. You can NOT call the guy friends for months on end and they don’t hold a grudge. They don’t even realize you haven’t called. They don’t send e-mails asking if everything’s all right. They don’t SEE you, you don’t exist anymore. So, if all you’re looking for is a warm body to sit next to you during a movie (and occasionally comment on how Laura Linney really doesn’t get the notice she deserves) or a witty person to shoot pool with every once in a while, then a younger, single guy is really the best candidate.
It’s a lot like the guy friends in high school or college. The ones you didn’t want to sleep with, but sometimes had to worry that maybe they wanted to sleep with you. Being married and old just takes that whole element out of the relationship. It’s perfect.
Men are different than women. Whether it’s nature or nurture or what, I don’t know. I’m not even talking about math abilities or energy level or any of those traditional stereotypical classifications. Most of my boy/man friends aren’t the usual boy’s boy type guys anyway. They are, by default, the kind of guy who prefers the company of women. They’re intellectuals, who like to talk and are likely to rally by your side on issues of feminism and women’s choices. They’re not pussies, but they’re not usually the kind of men who were in big fraternities or went around flaunting their testosterone. But, men are men and even these men are different than women.
There are times when I prefer to have a female companion. In my experience, women are more reliable in every way. They will remember what you tell them, they will follow through until a task is completed, they will notice when you’re hurting and offer their time and wisdom and nurturing and are careful with their words. This is true of my most “masculine” girl friends as well as the girly-girl types. I’m sure there are women who don’t fit into that generalization. I just don’t have them as friends. Men, on the other hand are more honest (you wanna know how you really look in that outfit, ask a man who you’re not fucking and he will tell you), more spontaneous, and they don’t remember anything (which is a trait that I often find so reassuring, in my sea of lifelong grudge-holding female relations).
But, that “don’t remember anything” idea that I keep returning to is also a curse. In a husband, it is exactly the trait that makes him know I won’t ever cheat. He knows just how batty it drives me when I tell him something and then later, he’s forgotten the entire conversation. He knows I would never emotionally invest in another memory-pit like that. This one will eventually do me in as it is. In other men that you do depend on for something, it’s maddening.
My middle child is in need of some help with advancing her gymnastics skills for extreme martial arts. My husband and I discussed possible options. He was supposed to talk to the person at the studio who is an expert in this field (a 17 year-old boy). My husband (who I also refer to sometimes as “my 4th child” or “my 39 year-old”) forgot. Week after week, I’d bring up the topic again, he’d slap himself on the forehead (which must be really sore after all these years with me) and said, “Oh, yeah, I have to DO that!” and then he wouldn’t. The other day, I took matters into my own hands and wrote this teenage boy a note. I wrote it so that he would have a physical copy of the conversation. Because, I’ve talked with the child and he has forgotten the conversation while it’s still going on. Literally, seemed to have forgotten the beginning part of my sentence by the time I finished it, and articulated as such at the end. Repeating back to me a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t relate to at all what I just said, or is even the opposite of what I just said. But, that is normal for my experience with boys of that age. So, the note was something real, with mass and dimension that he could refer back to and re-read if necessary. But, I was thwarted. I drove to the studio to give him the note and instead of the sturdy and reliable woman who owns the place, the desk was manned by a…man. The chief instructor. He’s in his 50’s, an ex-marine, and has proven himself as a man of respect. As I handed him the letter and as he promised me that he would get it to the person it was addressed to, I knew by the fading light in his eye as he placed it on the desk that it would be forgotten the moment his fingertips left its surface. Men–17, 39 or 50-something. Student and worldwide XMA expert/father, husband and doctorate in analytical chemistry/ex-marine and billionth degree black belt. It doesn’t matter, some things never change. Will the child get the letter? How can I follow up without insulting him or the chief instructor? And, if he does get the note, will he in fact remember ever to follow through and get back to me? These are questions I need to burden myself with right now. Because I’m a woman, and I’ve taken on the task to see to it that my daughter gets the help she wants with her gymnastics, and I’ll see it through until its resolved.
I finish my rant by saying that I think men are wonderful to hang out with and they’re really handy with fixing things and in the bedroom. But, why, oh why, can’t they just let women run the world? So much more would get done!
Now, we return to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.
Tags: boys, Humor, male-stereotypes, men, rants |
20 Responses to “Boy Brain”
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1. Jessica said:
May 9, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
I don’t really get it. Are you saying you’re a cougar?
2. Rita said:
May 9, 2008 @ 7:54 pm
No, it was just a rant about incompetent men who have been frustrating me lately. But, I’m not one to make broad generalizations, so I tried to get that in. It was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny. Maybe not, though.
3. Jessica said:
May 9, 2008 @ 9:25 pm
[quote comment="162463"]A cougar? I don’t get that, lol.
No, it was just a rant about incompetent men who have been frustrating me lately. But, I’m not one to make broad generalizations, so I tried to get that in. It was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny. Maybe not, though.[/quote]
I was just razzin’ you!
Cougars are women our age and older who date and go after young guys, like in their early 20’s. You’ve never heard that phrase?
4. Rita said:
May 9, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
5. Allison G. said:
May 10, 2008 @ 5:46 pm
I think it’s the WE channel or Oxygen channel, that has a show called “The Secret Lives of Women”. Some of the topics are women who cheat, women who steal, women in the sex biz. And one show was all about “cougars”. One gal in her 40’s had a 19 year old Czech-immigrant boyfriend and her 12 and 14 year old girls admitted to having a crush on him. Eeew!
6. JamieS said:
May 10, 2008 @ 5:56 pm
[quote comment="162474"][quote comment="162463"]A cougar? I don’t get that, lol.
No, it was just a rant about incompetent men who have been frustrating me lately. But, I’m not one to make broad generalizations, so I tried to get that in. It was supposed to be funny. I thought it was funny. Maybe not, though.[/quote]
I was just razzin’ you!
Cougars are women our age and older who date and go after young guys, like in their early 20’s. You’ve never heard that phrase?[/quote]
OMG! I have never heard the term Cougar. I wana be one though! I’ve always had in my head Roul the pool boy. “Oh Roul, a few more grapes please….”
Oops, sorry. Got lost there for a moment.
7. JamieS said:
May 10, 2008 @ 6:02 pm
[quote comment="162621"]I think it’s the WE channel or Oxygen channel, that has a show called “The Secret Lives of Women”. Some of the topics are women who cheat, women who steal, women in the sex biz. And one show was all about “cougars”. One gal in her 40’s had a 19 year old Czech-immigrant boyfriend and her 12 and 14 year old girls admitted to having a crush on him. Eeew![/quote]
Okay, I didn’t mean THAT young..LOL Besides I don’t see myself with a Roul at all really. Heck, I can’t even spell his name. Maybe that would be the point?
8. Rita said:
May 10, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
My deal with the guy pal dates was just to show that I KNOW men, in and out and sideways, the way they are and the way they work, and I LIKE men, but man, I just need a break, I think. They just all seem like fucking Neanderthal apes to me lately.
9. JamieS said:
May 10, 2008 @ 6:44 pm
[quote comment="162624"]See, that could never be me. I yearn for a grown up. I mean a real-live grown up who is on the same maturity level as I am, which means I may very well have some latent lesbianism. Because I’ve never met anyone in possession of a penis who is fully and completely grown up.
My deal with the guy pal dates was just to show that I KNOW men, in and out and sideways, the way they are and the way they work, and I LIKE men, but man, I just need a break, I think. They just all seem like fucking Neanderthal apes to me lately.[/quote]
Rita,
I have to agree. (okay had to edit myself here got a little snarky about men)…LOLOL
I’m with you 100%
10. jen at vickyandjen.com said:
May 10, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I am absolutely laughing my ass off at this entire post!
I just heard the cougar thing myself about a month ago when co-workers of my husband were calling a guy “cougar bait” since an older woman was totally hitting on him.
Hilarious! Thanks for making me giggle - been a difficult day!
Jen
11. Rita said:
May 10, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
I just had to assert my middle-aged hetero-self there. Because my eyes aren’t old.
I just wouldn’t have the patience for that kind of babysitting. And you KNOW it wouldn’t be worth it.
12. JamieS said:
May 11, 2008 @ 8:20 am
[quote comment="162654"]OK, well I will admit that there are some younger guys that are adorable. But, I feel like Helen (the movie theater manager) pinching Drake Bell’s cheeks–that kind of thing (BTW, Drake Bell would be one of those younger adorable guys I’m talking about, and so would the guy who played Oliver Wood in the first couple Harry Potter movies and I could mention a couple more, but I won’t).
I just had to assert my middle-aged hetero-self there. Because my eyes aren’t old.
I just wouldn’t have the patience for that kind of babysitting. And you KNOW it wouldn’t be worth it.[/quote]
You know Rita, I’ve noticed lately that men can be more like women than I thought. I’ve run into a couple who are just as nasty as women can be and they don’t forget either. I think I have to choose some of my male friends better in the future. When I say male friends, I don’t mean the type that come with fringe benefits either.
I don’t want to be the babysitter. I also don’t want one I have to take care of for any reason. Mama boys are out, Tell me how much of a manly man I am are out, You’re the girl, I’m the guy ones are out. What’s left? I think I’ll stay single. Been there, done that with all wrapped into one type. This way with the friends, I can tell them to get lost and not mess with the other crap.
13. Rita said:
May 11, 2008 @ 9:28 am
Good men are out there. I’d recommend any of my little guy friends to date. Nobody’s perfect. This turning into a caveman trend I notice in the men around me just seems to be really prevalent right at this minute. If they were women, I’d find something else to complain about.
14. JamieS said:
May 11, 2008 @ 9:49 am
[quote comment="162701"]In all fairness, Jamie, I do adore my husband. As I was writing this piece and explaining it and responding to it, saved us who knows how much money by fixing our sink. There was a leak in the U-curve of the pipe underneath and through his diligence and handiwork (with cutting a ten FOOT pipe section down, and fitting it together with the right adhesive and putting it in place) he fixed it. He can fix stuff. And he is fun to talk to. I only have to “mommy” him on occasion–with things like reminding him that summer is coming up and he needs to DO this.
Good men are out there. I’d recommend any of my little guy friends to date. Nobody’s perfect. This turning into a caveman trend I notice in the men around me just seems to be really prevalent right at this minute. If they were women, I’d find something else to complain about.[/quote]
Maybe it’s a full moon? I asked that question on Friday. It seemed everyone was tense and on edge and way out of normal. I asked if it was a full moon or barametric pressure going on. I’m not sure what it is but I have noticed it too. Maybe it’ll change soon. I sure hope so.
15. JamieS said:
May 11, 2008 @ 9:57 am
I wanted to say also Rita that I never got that you thought anything else about your hubby from your piece. Just the opposite infact. We all have our moments but there does seem to be some trends going on and it’s not just the caveman trend and it’s not just men….LOL
16. Rita said:
May 11, 2008 @ 10:21 am
Maybe it’s a full moon? I asked that question on Friday. It seemed everyone was tense and on edge and way out of normal. I asked if it was a full moon or barametric pressure going on. I’m not sure what it is but I have noticed it too. Maybe it’ll change soon. I sure hope so.[/quote]
I know I’ve got some wicked PMSing going on. And, as I wrote in another area, it’s a kind of hard mother’s day for me. I was at the park on Friday with my little one and there was a grandmother pushing two girls on the swings and they were just giggling and squealing, “Grandma!” and my eyes just filled up–remembering my own mom pushing my older kids on the swings and how she never really got to know the little one, and it’s just hard.
And, on top of all of THAT, I eked my little on into pre-school. Registration was in JANUARY, and this was the pre-school we knew she’d go to before she was even born. The same one her sister went to. It just never occurred to me that the registration would be in JANUARY for the SEPTEMBER start. I called, and there was a cancellation, so I had to make phone calls to the ped’s office for them to rush her shot records for me to get, print out the application, fill it out, run all that stuff in and she got the spot. So, things are filling up and here we are, waiting to sign up dd1 for camp because I don’t know what this teen-boy is going to recommend for her with the gymnastics. And every minute he doesn’t get back to me on it, in the mood I’m in, just drives me crazy.
17. JamieS said:
May 11, 2008 @ 10:32 am
[quote comment="162715"][quote comment="162706"]
Maybe it’s a full moon? I asked that question on Friday. It seemed everyone was tense and on edge and way out of normal. I asked if it was a full moon or barametric pressure going on. I’m not sure what it is but I have noticed it too. Maybe it’ll change soon. I sure hope so.[/quote]
I know I’ve got some wicked PMSing going on. And, as I wrote in another area, it’s a kind of hard mother’s day for me. I was at the park on Friday with my little one and there was a grandmother pushing two girls on the swings and they were just giggling and squealing, “Grandma!” and my eyes just filled up–remembering my own mom pushing my older kids on the swings and how she never really got to know the little one, and it’s just hard.
And, on top of all of THAT, I eked my little on into pre-school. Registration was in JANUARY, and this was the pre-school we knew she’d go to before she was even born. The same one her sister went to. It just never occurred to me that the registration would be in JANUARY for the SEPTEMBER start. I called, and there was a cancellation, so I had to make phone calls to the ped’s office for them to rush her shot records for me to get, print out the application, fill it out, run all that stuff in and she got the spot. So, things are filling up and here we are, waiting to sign up dd1 for camp because I don’t know what this teen-boy is going to recommend for her with the gymnastics. And every minute he doesn’t get back to me on it, in the mood I’m in, just drives me crazy.[/quote]
Awww Rita. I can just imagine the park and how it might have affected you. I am lucky that I have my mom. She doesn’t live close but is 8 hours away but I can get to her. I can talk to her everyday and would be lost without her.
I’m glad you were able to get the little one into the school of choice. The other one will work out too.
Ignore the PM’s you’re getting. You have nothing to defend. I completely got your article.
Hang in there today and know that your mom is with you if not in the physical sense.
18. Rita said:
May 11, 2008 @ 10:33 am
19. JamieS said:
May 11, 2008 @ 10:56 am
[quote comment="162718"]Oh, no, not PMs, it’s PMS, as in I’m going to bleed any fucking minute now. Nobody PMs me, lol. If they hated the entry, then they hated it. It was how I was feeling at the time and well, you can’t be funny all the time![/quote]
HAHAHAHA oh crap. I thought you said PM’s. Not PMS! Totally different thing. Oh man girl I feel for you! Yikes!
20. Rita said:
May 14, 2008 @ 11:12 am
My husband sort-of followed through with it in person. Took the job half way and I picked it up from there and carried it through to completion with the woman who owns the place. The whole exchange worked out in the end, but just TOTALLY reinforced the idea that inspired this post in the first place.
I’ve learned a few things:
Written notes or letters are not an effective means of communication with a seventeen year-old boy, no matter how responsible he may seem on the surface.
Husbands are good at putting things in motion, but then you need to see that motion through to where you want it to end.
It’s not a good idea to write detailed, disjointed posts on a very public blog that gets a lot of traffic when you’re in a PMS fury.