My Dilemma: Drinking Buddies vs. Parental Posse
Posted
March 26, 2008 at
7:20 pm by
Maureen
So, I’d like to clear a few things up.
To My Friends Who Do Not Have Their Own Spawn: I have a child, remember?
To My Friends Who Have Their Own Spawn: It’s OK to have a child AND a social life, remember?
Sadly, these clarifications are sorely lacking in my own social circles.
 My husband and I are at the weird age where some but not all of our friends have kids. We have the friends who have kids and have since year #1 of their marriage. I call them the Parental Posse. You know the kind–get married, get pregnant right away, forget all semblance of their twenties and/or fun and/or a life outside of their kids. The kind of friends who suddenly re-materialized once we had our own Blessed Event. These are the friends who only want to do things like go to the park or a baseball game. Which I’m all for–if there’s beer and a babysitter. But no, these friends can only participate in activities involving their own little miracles. And can’t ever meet you for dinner because they “Can’t find a babysitter” or “Little Susie has the flu” or “I’m attached to my child at the hip and can’t possibly function with other adults on a level not involving discussions about my child’s bodily functions.” (OK, the last one was mine.)
We also have plenty of the polar opposite: friends who are either single or married but have no desire to have children, at least not anytime soon. Our Drinking Buddies. These are the kinds of friends who ask us what we’re doing AFTER the bars close. As in, 2:00am. What our plans are. And snicker at how we’ve “changed” when I gently remind them that children don’t understand they need to sleep in on Saturdays when Mommy has a real bad red wine hangover. These are the friends who suggested we take Ryan, as in our eight-month old Demon Child, to a movie starting at 9pm on a Friday night. Want to know which movie? “No Country For Old Men.” Although Ryan is a huge fan of Cormack McCarthy’s books, “The Road” being his favorite, I think the other moviegoers would’ve chased me out with torches.
So, we can’t win. We are proud that we are able to make it out to a bar and people either snicker when we leave at midnight or they clutch their own children tightly, roll their eyes and whisper about how we’re trying to reclaim our youth. And I’m fine with that. It’s a balancing act and I’m thrilled I’ve been able to stay on the tightrope so far.
Tags: bars, children, drinking, friends, friends once you have children, going out, hangovers, Parenting, social life after children
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2 Responses to “My Dilemma: Drinking Buddies vs. Parental Posse”
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1. Allison J said:
March 26, 2008 @ 10:25 pm | Quote
My husband and I are lucky to have a diverse group of friends. As a group we range in age from 26 to 50+ — and have a ball together.
Within this group is a mix of parents and non-parents — with kids ranging in age from 7 to 21 (with more on the way).
For those who fear life will end after babies — rest assure that an exciting life can still exist. From vacations to Las Vegas and annual camping trips (complete with beer and LATE nights), to fancy dinners and low-key backyard parties — we always have a good time. I’d like to think that we are all sensitive to each family’s situations and needs — whether it’s relieving the babysitter or letting the dogs out to relieve themselves.
It is my philosophy that never “indulging” in grown-up time is detrimental to one’s own personal health, not to mention to their marriage and children.
2. Rita said:
March 27, 2008 @ 7:03 am | Quote
Just my opinion here, but I think you’ll find that your drinking buddies will have less patience for you as your kid gets older and you give him more attention than you give them. When the kid is sick and you choose him over them, when their plans interfere with a parent-teacher conference or school play, these things add up and you eventually have the inevitable, “So, you’re one of THOSE parents, the kind who always chooses their KID over their friend” arguments where you end up, like, yeah, and I will always choose my kid because he’s my KID you buffoon, now grow up and get a life. Unless you have a very unique and tolerant group of drinking buddies. This is just something I’ve experienced once and seen a billion times with young first-time parents.
Ironically, I experienced it myself with my sister, not my friends. My sister was the one bemoaning my lack of babysitter and that I wouldn’t go out with her anymore. My dh and I had already become hermitish homebodies before I got pregnant with our first. We had lived hard and fast through our teens and early 20’s and about a year before he was born, we had already lost a taste for night life and hangovers and with me working as a social worker and him in school full-time, we didn’t have money to spare anyway. Most of our friends were in the same situation. We had him before any of our friends were even married, though, so our single and/or unmarried but coupled off friends would hang out at our house with us and the baby for free entertainment.
I’ve used an actual babysitter exactly three times in my 13 years of parenting. I actually felt guilty leaving my son with a sitter when he was little because he was in day care for 40 hours a week, so I felt like a shitty parent then leaving him while his dad and I went out. He was growing so fast, I also just didn’t want to leave him at all. Then when my first daughter was born (after we moved to Texas), we just didn’t have a sitter. We didn’t know anyone who would sit with her and then she became a toddler and wouldn’t separate from us anyway. Now we have the little one and the 13 year-old sits with him and it’s wonderful. But dh and I use that time for ourselves. All our friends do have kids now, and they’re at various stages with their own. Anyone we know who would have chosen to stay childless has made a different life from us long ago.
This is how you feel about it now, but it’ll change. You’ll have less in common with your drinking buddies and they’ll lose patience with you and insist your priorities are out of whack.