Sex and the School
Posted
February 20, 2008 at
7:02 pm by
Rita
I found out the other day, quite by accident, that a girl my children associate with in one of their extra-curricular activities is giving blow jobs to boys at her school. She’s 15—two years older than my oldest child. I know, taken by itself, this information is not especially shocking—15, boyfriends, blow jobs. The thing that makes this different than other news stories is that I KNOW THIS GIRL!
I consider myself a pretty savvy parent. I feel like I’ve got a good handle on this parenting thing and keep tabs on the problems that may come up in the future. I’ve pondered and debated about my own children and their future sexuality and how I’d handle it if I found out they were engaging in risky behavior. I’ve been outspoken about my personal philosophies on the subject and called wrong by others on many occasions. I’ve been accused of being naïve and I’ve been told I’m in denial about kids today. But I say that kids today aren’t much different than kids yesterday, teen sex has been around since the beginning of time and we can learn from the past to help prepare our own for the future and we’ll just have to agree to disagree about this and move on.
But, what I have been naïve about is that I’d care if my kids’ peers were doing these things. Oh, I guess I had some free-floating notion of them as some nameless, faceless blobs in a distant tomorrow stamped with “KIDS’ FRIENDS.” But, I didn’t envision these future hooligans as being real people, people I like, people who goof around with my toddler and talk to me about a grade she got on a test. It certainly never occurred to me that I’d have to look a sweet little girl in the face and know exactly where her mouth had been earlier that day and feel shame for both of us. It’s been brought home, into my world and I don’t know what to do with it.
I feel shame for the child, because she is a child, but she doesn’t know she’s still a child, she thinks she’s some world-wizened woman now. I know that, because I used to walk around in those shoes, too. She’s ignorant of her ignorance. I feel shame for myself, because these days I am a world-wizened woman and I feel I should be doing something to protect this kid from the cruel world she thinks she’s conquering from down on her knees. I feel shame because I know this thing about this girl and I’ll never look at her the same again. Some of her innocence is lost and so is mine, in a way, since I share in her guilt just by knowing about it. She doesn’t know I know, which makes the dynamic even more unbalanced. It’s weird, I know, and I’m surprised I feel this way.
It’s not that I think less of her because of issues with promiscuity. I’m not thinking: slut, whore, sinful siren. It’s not along that line. I worry about her. I worry since it’s blow-jobs I know about and not full out intercourse, that she is just being subservient because of low self-esteem. I worry she’s letting herself be taken advantage of for someone else’s pleasure, and not just enjoying her own sexuality. I worry that she’s not taking precautions to keep her body safe. I worry that she’ll get diseases, or pregnant or raped if she’s not being careful with her selections. I worry that the next time I see her I won’t be able to stop myself from bursting into tears and pulling her into a protective hug. I want to mommy her. I want someone to mommy her. I want to tell what I know, not to hurt her in any way, but to be sure that there is someone guiding this girl. Keeping her safe while she experiments and reminding her that she’s lovable no matter what. I don’t know where the boundaries of communal responsibility for this sort of thing lie.
But, I’ll keep quiet. I’ll keep my guilt to myself, feeling like a useless, voiceless part in some bigger scheme that’s out of my control, conspiring as it always has to lure us from the nest. I’ll let the world spin as it will, but I’ll also pray that if some other woman ever comes across this same information about one of my daughters that she’ll be a braver, better person than I am being now, and tell me about it.
Tags: blow jobs, parenting a teen, rebellion, self esteem issues, sex education, Social Issues, teen behavior, teen sex
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9 Responses to “Sex and the School”
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1. Jessica said:
February 20, 2008 @ 8:14 pm | Quote
Hopefully your daughter isn’t going to give random boys blow jobs when she’s 15! I mean, I know it happens, and I don’t have girls, which after reading this makes me feel lucky, but even with my boys, I plan on trying to explain the ramifications of such actions before they’re 15.
I remember my father telling me about drugs once. Not that I never touched a joint or dabble in other illegal recreation, but I was always way more sensible and mature about it than my friends. I would say no and I said it often. I truly believe I made really good choices when it comes to that sort of thing.
My father sat me down at 15 and told me this horrible story about a friend of his that was a heroin addict and that he owed his dealer a bunch of money, so while this guy was going through withdrawals and dropped out of college and became a complete loser, he was kidnapped by his dealer and a bunch of his thugs. My father happened to be with him that day, along with some other friends and they grabbed all the guys that were at his house. Then, they drove him to a field, proceeded to stab the heroin addict numerous times with old, dirty needles and then injected him with something that not only was the pain too much for the onlookers to bear, it killed him. All the while, my Dad and his friends were forced to watch his suffering and demise. (Of course, he told the story with enough imagination to instill fear into my soul forever.)
Now, I have no effing clue if this story is true or not, all I know is that for years and years in high school and college, it scared the shit out of me. The details and my father’s look. I just knew that this wasn’t something to screw around with.
I know I got the same talk about sex, but a “guys only want one thing” sort of tale that was full of deceit, pain and horror. I was a virgin longer than anybody I know.
I do have to know though, how was it that you found out?
2. Rita said:
February 20, 2008 @ 8:41 pm | Quote
Heresay, but from a reliable source–another adult. I didn’t even want to know about it, really, but this other person was telling me about it in a totally different context (this girl is friends with her daughter at school and she’s rightfully afraid that her kid is being pulled into a bad crowd). I also need to add that when I said this girl was doing this with boys at school, I really meant with boys FROM school, since the events themselves were not taking place on school property, but in cars and other people’s houses.
She’s a good kid though. She’s bright and pretty and sweet and funny and I just hope that she’s not doing this for all the wrong reasons and ends up getting damaged as a result.
3. Allison said:
February 21, 2008 @ 12:26 pm | Quote
But that’s the thing. She probably IS a good kid…… for now. This can only get worse.
My best friend at 14 started out really nice when we met at 11. But as her mom’s lack of supervision broadened, so did my friend’s “activities”. I was shocked! I finally had to remove myself from the friendship so my parents wouldn’t think I was doing the same stuff. It wasn’t until my wedding that she told my sister that back in 8th grade (right about the time we stopped hanging out) her mom took her in to have an abortion!
I don’t want to be one to “wear rose-colored glasses”, but I honestly can’t believe that any girl (Who obviously does this enough that it’s starting to get out) can have a “good” reputation doing this.
“Miss X is so sweet. She gave me lab notes to copy, AND she gives the greatest BJs. What a friend.”
No, it probably goes like this.
“Dude, I got another hummer from that X girl!”
“Sweet, man. Think she’ll do it for me?”
“Duh, of course. She’s been doing it for everyone!” And it will probably get to the point that if she does realize this is wrong and decides to not do it, kids will be bigger assholes to her, thus crushing her esteem more!
Honestly, I understand that you’re in a hard position, but as a mother, if I found out that my daughter was doing this, THEN I found out that at least 2 moms knew about it and didn’t let me know, I’d be hurt.
I’m not going to pull the whole “it takes a village” card out on you, but how would you feel (I can tell you obviously ‘love’ this girl) if she did get a disease or raped, and her mom was crying and telling you about it.
Plus, your son is not that far in age from her. What if she and her friends start inviting him to hang out. Do you let him go, or explain in detail why you won’t allow it?
Maybe if her mother is informed about it now, there might be time to get her involved in healthy activities that fills up the time she’s using now to do these things……………
4. Rita said:
February 21, 2008 @ 1:26 pm | Quote
Yeah, I do think that’s she’s on a de-railed train and that things might get rough for her. There are other circumstances surrounding this, reasons why I am not running to her mother about this. But, I can’t explain them publicly because I don’t want to hurt her in any way by giving away anything about who she is.
I will say that if I found out that any of the boys her age in this place were recipients from this girl (or other girls), I would have been equally horrified, to think that they’d be taking advantage of girls their age in this way.
5. Jessica said:
February 21, 2008 @ 3:15 pm | Quote
Allison, I don’t know if I’d confront the mother either. You just never know what is going on behind closed doors. You never know if the parents are going to be hostile or take it out on the kid, instead of seeking therapy. Plus, some parents just don’t give a shit.
I have to believe, that no young woman this age would be readily handing out BJ’s if they had a high regard for themselves. Something in this little girl’s life is broken. This is an act of desperation and self deprecation.
I guess I’m not a “village” type person. I know what I would do is not as nurturing as I would disassociate with a knowlingly troubled child, but I’m also not qualified in anyway to counsel a child like that either. It would depend, I suppose, in how much I wanted to protect or shield my children from what is going on. That’s a hard call to make, IMO.
I don’t know what the answer is.
6. Allison said:
February 21, 2008 @ 5:36 pm | Quote
I don’t know what the answer is either. And I am not finger-pointing.
I do believe that it really is a sticky situation to be in, and Rita, I agree with you that if I found out my son or his friends were receiving any of these favors from a girl, I’d be freakin’ pissed at their lack of respect for a young woman.
It’s also a tricky place to be in because society has this lacking stance on abstinence, thinking that it’s an impossible request to ask of the youth. So ‘we’ just tell teens that there are ‘alternatives’ to sex, and then this is what they resort to.
I saw a Dateline episode on teens and their view of sex and (shocking to me, I must say) a good majority of them think that “oral” or “anal” is not sex at all, and a girl can save her viginity as long as it’s not vaginal intercourse! So there were girls who were on there saying that they’d been having sex for almost 2 years, but it was only anal, so they were still virgins. Yikes!
7. Rita said:
February 21, 2008 @ 6:15 pm | Quote
Yeah, you’d have to raise your kids up to understand that sex is sex. If you can’t look the other person’s parents in the eye and tell them what you were doing, then it probably isn’t good to be doing it.
I’m not all about abstinence until marriage. But, I do think that it’s healthier if people are grown up before they get into sexual relationships. I pretty much expect that when my kids are in college that they will have sexual relationships, and I hope to raise them in a way where they’ll be careful and choose their partners wisely.
And, in regards to the boys. I think that it does show a lack of self-esteem in the boy, too, if he’s sinking so low as to have a one sided relationship with a girl like that. Or, he has real narcissistic issues and is dangerous.
8. Jessica said:
February 24, 2008 @ 9:35 am | Quote
I agree and growing up, the boys and girls with self confidence and good families and who were geunuinely interesting in getting good grades and school, typically weren’t participating in assembly line sex.
Although I say I’m glad I don’t have girls because of the subject matter you posted about, I also know that I need to teach my boys about responsiblity, self-respect, dignity and respecting girls. It does go both ways.
9. Jon said:
February 25, 2008 @ 10:01 am | Quote
As a father I find this whole episode very depressing (but not shocking) I’ve sat on the sidelines and watched the world go to “hell in a handcart” since I was a teenager. I dread the coming conversation when my kids (a boy and two girls) get to that time of life (and it’s closer everyday *eek*)
I won’t pretend to offer advice Rita as obviously there’s a lot more here going on than can be publicly disclosed and quite frankly I wouldn’t have a clue where to start. But I think that this thread and the discussion should probably continue if only to give other parents / carers a place to refer to.
Again commenting purely from a place of ignorance - would it be possible for you to approach the girl yourself, let her know in no uncertain terms that you know and that you have no intention of disclosing that information to anyone but that you want her to know that she can come to you as a “smaritan” shoulder to cry or unload on without you being judgemental and maybe start to guide her and help her regain her self respect.
I sure your aware that doing so would put you in an awkward position not least in that if you put yourself forward as a single consistent icon in this girls life, it’s a responsiblity that will also be “for life and not just for Christmas”.
Once again Rita, superb advice from a super mom, I’ll try and remember that when the time comes…
Regards
Jon…