My son’s first BFF
Posted
February 18, 2008 at
4:36 pm by
Jessica
My husband and I decided to throw our son his first birthday party at age 5 — the first official birthday party we’ve thrown for him, not because we didn’t want to, but because it’s the first time that he really gets it.
See, a year ago, he was diagnosed with “Aspergers with Hyperlexia”, which is kind of a new way of defining Savantism. So, the last 5 years have been interesting, to say the least. “G” is unique. While fairly unnoticeable to the average spectator, he doesn’t engage with other children except his older brother. He never asks about other children, he never shows an interest in any sort of friendship. He has no use for kids his age really.
Well, last year, I made the very difficult decision to move him from a special ed. school opting to mainstream him into a Montessori school. Even though I’m not really a Montessori fan per se — it’s a little too fairy godmother for my tastes — I felt that the special ed school was holding him back in many ways.
Furious, the special ed school made no effort to hold back their displeasure with my decision and basically told me that I would being doing G a disservice (hence: you are a bad mom). I questioned myself many times, but after consulting with a world renowned expert in G’s “condition”, he succeeded in convincing me G was misplaced.
So, fast forward to Fall of ‘07. G starts Montessori and has a difficult time adjusting. After 4 years and finally succeeding at potty training, he started regressing. He would say that he wanted to go back to his old school and he didn’t like Montessori. If it had not been for my husband who insisted we give it more time (he was REALLY down on the special ed school setup), I would have relented. I agreed to give it a few more weeks and fortunately, it paid off.
A few weeks later, things started to turn around for G. Montessori combines ages 3 - 6 in one classroom and G finally connected with a little girl named Lily. (That’s Lily with one “l”. I made the mistake of spelling her name “Lilly” on his magnanoodle and was harshly criticized for it.) G came home and started telling us about Lily. The school encourages older student mentors and Lily is in kindergarten, while G is in preschool. He loves the older kids.
G would tell us things about Lily that gave my husband and I a sense of progress and confirmation. He would tell me she was pretty. Apparently, he and Lily had a lot in common too. G is crazy about Hannah Montana and Lily would sometimes hurt his feelings and he’d come home upset, saying that Lily told him Hannah Montana is just for girls. They had their good days and bad days, but mostly Lily was a great influence on him. He looked forward to seeing her and was sad when she wasn’t there.
Sometimes G would be doing hard math problems at the dinner table and I would ask who taught him that and he would say, “Lily.”
Other details slowly emerged about Lily. He knew her exact address, “303 S. XYZ Street.”
“This is just a few streets away from us, we could probably catch her parents oustide, if we walked the dog that far”, I thought to myself.
We could arrange a playdate. G has never had a playdate. It was all coming together. Yay!
Since socialization is something that Aspergers children struggle with the most, I was thrilled that he found another child to connect with and show him the wonders, trials and tribulations of friendship. That has always been our hope for him.
Some days, G would tell us that Lily wasn’t at school, she was only there part-time, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. That’s why she wasn’t in the school picture, which was taken on a Tuesday. Made sense.
So, fast forward again to last week…
I am so excited to facilitate a “normal” kid thing with G, and send out invitations for his birthday party. I went through the class roster and mailed out 20 invitations to family members and classmates.
Lily wasn’t on the roster though.
I called to G, “G, Lily is not on the roster. What is her last name”?
“Germastedt,” and he spelled it, “G-E-R…”.
“Huh?,” I said to my husband, “What do you make of that?”
“Perhaps her family is really private,” he responded. “Just bring the invitation to school when you pick him up.” (The schools frowns on that, but I couldn’t exclude his best friend.)
So, I pick him up from school. Almost skipping. This will give me an opportunity to meet Lily’s parents. Rarely do I get to pick the kids up from school, I’ll introduce myself and tell Lily’s parents how much G appreciates her.
Upon arriving at the playground, I see G’s teacher, Ms. Becky. Holding the invitation, I apologize for skirting around their mail-only invitation policy and explain why I brought Lily’s invitation in person. Then…
The teacher looks at me, confused, and says, “There’s no Lily here.”
“Are you sure. Is it a nickname?” (As if the teacher doesn’t have a grasp on the 20 children she’s been with, day in and day out, since September.)
My head started spinning. Suddenly, I felt the same shock wave I felt at the end of that movie, “The Others”, with Nicole Kidman. Warning: spoiler alert — when at the end, you find out that the whole movie, her and her kids — that they were actually DEAD.
I believe I dropped the invitation and it blew around in the winter wind when I finally came to and chased after it.
Back to reality.
“Ask G to point her out for you,” the teacher suggested.
“G, where’s Lily? Which one is Lily?” I asked.
“Oh, she’s sick today,” he explained.
The teacher caught my glance and shook her head to indicate “No.”
All the progress, all my confidence in his social abilities were suddenly squelched and canceled. I was dizzy. Confused. I couldn’t breathe.
G and I started to walk towards our car and the teacher ran to catch up with me, “I have to tell you,” she said, “G is starting to skip count by 6 and 7’s…”. The rest of it sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah…”.
What the hell is she talking about? Can’t she see that I want to sulk and revel in my horror???
“That’s nice,” I said unconvincingly.
Should I be freaked out by this?? Should I contact his doctor, a shrink or a pharmacist? I think it’s actually me that needs therapy now. I don’t know how to cope.
Am I doing something wrong? I don’t understand.
Should I just act as if nothings happened and continue with the charade? G claims that Lily said she was going to go to his party. Apparently he told her about it at school.
Have any of you dealt with kids with imaginary friends? Does this seem unusual?
Tags: aspergers, Autism, BFF, child-behavior, classmates, Family, imaginary-friends, social-skills |
16 Responses to “My son’s first BFF”
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1. ExCareerGal
February 18, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
Jessie had Milt her BFF who was also imaginary. He had as many details about him as G had about Lily. But Jessie was 3 when he arrived and she still talks about him occassionally (she is 7). Jessie says he is a lot fun but she is too busy to play with him much any more. She says you do not need to worry, that imaginary friends are fun. I think she is right. I am sorry about the heartbreak that Lily is not real, but she is a good steppingstone to a real friend. Since G is a little late in the social skills department- this is acutally a good step in the right direction. Sorry it was not as big of a step as you thought.
Janna
2. ExCareerGal
February 18, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
sorry for the typos! I meant “She” not “He” - not sure how to fix blog comments.
3. Rita
February 18, 2008 @ 7:50 pm
Oh, wow, that just about made me cry! I don’t know much about this, Jess, but I’d say that it’s actually a good thing. I think that his imaginary friend thing shows real promise. He’s practicing, you know? It shows that he’s interested in having a friend and knows what friendship is and that he values it. He just hasn’t found a real Lily yet. Since his development in this area is behind, I’d equate it with Liz having Scooby Doo at the table with her. But, that’s not a bad thing, it is SO not a bad thing, because like I said, it means he gets it and he values it and he wants it. It’ll come. He’ll find some friends and kudos to you for putting him in an environment that is better suited for him. It seems that whatever happened, he’s at least more comfortable here and allowing those ideas to play in his head.
For the record, one of Alex’s best friends here has Asperger’s. I don’t know if it has any attached quantifiers since it was the kid himself who told Alex about it. He has a host of tics and mild health issues (and he’s a math genius), so the point is, in the right environment this condition can be accepted and glorified (the kids around him adore him for who he is), rather than picked on. And, the child has friends, my son being one of them.
So, I can really appreciate your shock at finding out that Lily isn’t real, and appreciate how confused you must be, but my opinion anyway is that this is still a hugely positive thing.
4. wendy
February 18, 2008 @ 10:29 pm
Jessica..you sound like a wonderful mother! Good for you to stick to your guns. Don’t let anyone tell you, you are a bad mother! Listen to your inner self. I have not had any of my kids have an imaginary friend. I have one that has AD/HD and doesnt seem to make friends easily or the friend he does make are not the kind you want your child to have. He is 13 and his little sister is 5. She is all tomboy and very strong willed and he (adam) plays with her and actually argues with her. Mind you she has an older sister that is 15 and a older brother that is 18. My 5 year old is like a “second” mom as my 18 year old says.
I would listen to your gut feeling about his friend and go with it. No harm no foul. I hope this helps a little. Hang in there!
5. eileen
February 18, 2008 @ 11:10 pm
Oh, that broke my heart for YOU.
But from the outside looking in - it seems TOTALLY normal to me Jess! honestly. He is in a new school environment, and he has created an imaginary friend to help him cope. Seems normal to me. Plus, Lily sounds like a really NICE friend. A friend that would be one to aspire to!
Anna had some imaginary ANIMALS at that age..but I KNOW there were 1 or 2 kids at daycare that had imaginary friends because the daycare workers AND the other kids kept 2 seats vacant for the “friends” at the communial play and eating table! Which I found interesting, that the other children “respected” the rights of the imaginary friends and kept seats vacant.
So I think it is normal for that age - Aspergers or no Aspergers.
Big hugs - I think you guys should just embrace Lily - she sounds like a lovely friend, and a wonderful memory when he gets a little older and you can look back to this age!
Eileen
6. Kristy
February 19, 2008 @ 11:29 am
Wow, I can imagine how hard that was for you. But actually, imaginary friends are a sign of creativity. Gifted children often have imaginary friends. And it seems like he has internalized the concept of friendship, at least. Maybe it’s a sign that he’s gearing up to try with a real kid.
7. julymom
February 19, 2008 @ 11:01 pm
Jess, you almost made me cry! I wouldn’t worry though. It is progress. Lily could be his way of practicing for the real thing. My younger cousin had 2 imaginary friends when he was around 5. Hooster and Stooster. Stooster was gay. Go figure. My cousin was incredibly shy and his imaginary friends ave him confidence. He is now a perfectly normal 28 year old (well, you know, normal for a guy).
Ds has imaginary dogs (because the 2 real ones we have aren’t enough apparently). Their names are Cornish, Loxley, Pickles and Bread-Bread. They have to be fed (given treats too), watered, walked and tucked into bed. Oh, and once we left them in the car (huh?) and I had to go get them because he was freaking out that they would get cold.
8. wendy
February 21, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Jess, I was actually called to have a conference on Adams grades at school yesterday. In that conference they talked to me about his high IQ and his short comings in making “good influnces” friends. They wanted to move in to accelerated classes and wanted my opinion. They did a extensive back ground on his child hood. And this topic came up in a room with lots of PHD’s and child therapist. At least here they tell me that is a sign of exteremely intelligent children. Though adam has never outwardly said anything about a imaginary friend, we all agreed that his “social” ability right now and the lack of connecting with children his own age would do more harm in putting him in higher classes so the teachers agreed to give him more work to do at home so he is not bored. So with a room of 10 therapist and phd’s they all agreed that it is not a big deal if he had one and to go along with it. So hang in there! My husband often would tell me that Adam will be our NASA Engineer in the family but will need a good women to tie his shoes. *L* He has a friend down the block (angel) that comes down and swims sometimes. She is someone adam likes. But boy she is head strong and Adam doesnt seem to mind a bit..so maybe it is true. Embrace him and go with the flow and as long as you listen to your heart and pray you will do the right thing. Keep up the good work. Our children need to feel safe and that their parents are on THEIR side no matter what. Keep up the good work. Seems to be lots of interesting post here with very educated people giving you advice. Its not as uncomman as one would make you think it is.
9. Jessica
February 21, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and helping to put my mind at ease that this could be something very positive.
I guess what freaked me out more about this imaginary friend is that it she was so real. He never imagined her at our house so I never had the opportunity to be introduced to his imagination. There was logic and order to it, it wasn’t like we were setting a place setting at dinner — then I would have expected it.
Lilly wasn’t a dog or squirrel or a friendly monster, but a real little girl.
10. Allison
February 21, 2008 @ 5:47 pm
A girl whose name you just spelled wrong!
Sorry, I’m not poking fun. I agree that this is a normal thing for a kid his age (an extremely gifted one, at that) to go through. And maybe it helped him cope with changing schools. He’s obviously comfortable at home, so there was no need for the safety net of an imaginary friend. But maybe “Lily” helped with the transition. And I think that’s great!!!!!!
He’ll be ready for a friend soon enough.
By the way, have you asked him if she’s only at school or if she can come home to see the family? Would that make him uncomfortable?
Also, just curious, is there a girl that he plays with at school that could end up being her, and maybe he just calls her Lily? My 4 year old has a friend who can’t remember her name at all, so she just calls my daughter “my friend”. Her mom eventually figured out who she was talking about.
11. Jessica
February 21, 2008 @ 6:56 pm
[quote comment="145088"]A girl whose name you just spelled wrong![/quote]
Doh! I can’t believe I did that. For shame!
[quote comment="145088"]
Also, just curious, is there a girl that he plays with at school that could end up being her, and maybe he just calls her Lily?[/quote]
Unfortunately, no. On the day I went to pick him up and he claimed she was out sick, his teacher said everyone was there that day.
Plus, she didn’t come to his party. He told us last minute that she had to bail (although not in those words - that would have been really advanced).
12. Allison J
March 21, 2008 @ 9:15 pm
I have a younger sister with Down syndrome. At 24 years old, she has had many imaginary friends. Paul, her boyfriend, has been around for years!
She has full conversations with her pals in her bedroom. She has stories for days about their adventures, each of them vividly real, rich and detailed.
Not too long ago I began to worry about this — it seemed like a disconnect from reality. Until I REALLY began to think about it.
Everyone is different, but for B I believe these imaginary friends are just her way of creating a world in which she feels truly comfortable. And there is nothing wrong with that!
None of us can say how B or G feel — we can’t put ourselves in their shoes, whether they are 5 or 24. It sounds as if Lily, like Paul, came about because there is a need for them. Perhaps G, like B, was lonely without someone who could ALWAYS know how they feel, how they think, what they need — and I hope Lily, like Paul, provides that!
13. Catarina the Doctor
June 23, 2008 @ 10:03 am
Jessica, i just read ur story… wOw! But i must say for even the average 5 yr old, ur son is amazingly smart. I mean, he knew an address and even a hard to say and spell last name. That’s quite impressive!
My godson “D”, had 2 imaginery best friends. One was “D” just like him but the bad version and the other was “Swort”! very weird, because he would scream and cry sometimes and say that”Swort” was hitting/ kicking him. “D” began to have these “friends” at age 3 he is now 5! I thought it was weird, i mean my son “S” is now 4 and he doesn’t have those kind of friends. But it was weird, because some ppl say it must be because he’s the only child, lonely, etc but “D” has a younger brother and he doesn’t seem lonely. My is the only child so far and doesn’t have one and i hope it remains that way, because as u said it does feel like a six-sense, or the others, etc.
It has been mths since u wrote that, so how is ur son now? Good luck though, but again very impressive vocabulary for a 5 yr old.
14. SHS
June 23, 2008 @ 10:38 am
Jessica,
First off I am feeling it in my heart right now. I won’t say I exactly know how you feel, but my daughter had her own struggles and so in that sense I get it.
It sounds like G has made some progress in the fact that he is working thru the idea in his head about having a friend. That sounds like a breakthru to me. My sis had an imaginary friend for years, and one day announced that Gidget died on a train. (Violent death for such a good “friend”) She was the oldest, with 2 toddlers under her, my mom was of the “nervous” type, so it filled a void with her. I think this is what G is doing. (Filling a void-and practicing in a safe way)
My thoughts on taking him out of spec ed….yea! We did Montessouri as well, and I always have said it was my first big parenting mistake, because L needed structure. However, looking back, it was her happiest time. She learns differently and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she had something that fell within the Autistic spectrum. She is savantish is reading and memorization, but in math, science she is below average. She has always been hard to teach, but when you find the right teacher it is the most wonderful thing in the world.
I am guessing there are no schools that specialize in autism in your area???
I would want my kid in the most normal environmnet possible.
Best of luck to G. Truly!
SHS
15. Renee
July 14, 2008 @ 9:46 am
Wow! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read your story. My son has Aspergers, ADHD, depression….and he has an imaginary friend named Meg, who also happens to be a dog. But this is an amazing dog. She talks, works at Burger King, Dominion Power company, the fire department, cuts grass…and on and on. She is his security. He also has a “real” stuffed rabbit that he carries everywhere. One of the most prevalent symptoms of Aspergers is anxiety. Meg and Marther (the rabbit) help ease some of my son’s worries and confusion. Also, Meg and Marther never reject him like some kids. There are so many things I keep learning about Aspergers. Each day is something new. But, each day that I have this wonderful boy in my life is a blessing.
16. Jessica.
July 14, 2008 @ 10:19 am
[quote comment="179017"]My son has Aspergers, ADHD, depression….and he has an imaginary friend named Meg, who also happens to be a dog. But this is an amazing dog. She talks, works at Burger King, Dominion Power company, the fire department, cuts grass…and on and on.[/quote]
LOL. That is adorable. I want a Meg!
There are things about Aspies that drive you crazy, but some of their traits, like their imaginary friends, that are just so charming and sweet.