Forget the ghouls, goblins and witches. I read something in the local paper this morning that would strike a much larger fear into a parent’s heart — a kid at my son’s school has been diagnosed with the “super bug”, methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus, otherwise known as a staph infection. As the name implies, it’s antibiotic resistant, highly contagious, and in some cases fatal. So, yeah, just the kind of thing you want to read as you’re sending your kid out the door. And hello, school administration, why am I reading about this in the paper? Shouldn’t there be some sort of phone tree system to alert parents of such things?

Supposedly the best way to prevent the spread of MRSA is good hygiene and diligent hand washing. That sure makes me feel better since we all know how good young kids — especially boys — are at keeping clean, right? One way us parents can help is to keep bandages on open wounds. Here’s a MRSA fact sheet from the CDC that will either ease your mind or, if you’re an online-enabled hypochondriac like me, make things worse…

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If you haven’t caught an episode of TLC/Discovery Health’s “Jon and Kate plus 8“, it just may give you a little solace in the hardships of ones own parenting challenges. Jon (an IT Analysist) and Kate (a former nurse) Gosselin used in-vitro fertilization to help spawn 8 kids. One set are twins and the other six are from a subsequent litter.

Last season, I really liked the spunk coupled with the unconventional and imperfect parenting techniques used by Kate. Although she tended to run a tight ship, she was also human and threw political correctness to the wind when it came to the realities of having 6 toddlers and young twins only 4 years older than the sextuplets.

This season, I have to say, the reality parenting TV show has lost some of its charm with me. Although I enjoy, in a voyeuristic sort of way, watching parenting pained by temper tantrums and legal slavery by way of 6 more demanding children than I am left to deal with, I also have found Kate to be as bratty on occasion as her preschool broad.

In some ways Jon and Kate are very lucky. They have a cozy network of incredibly supportive family and friends who take and/or watch their children frequently. In the first couple of weeks of this season, I watched as Kate went to spa treatments, out to dinner with just her and her husband and plan a vacation by themselves in the Florida Keys. Personally, I know of very few 1.3 children families that are afforded so much free time as they are.

Another less than flattering observation I’ve made — Kate is not very nice to her husband Jon. While Jon is easy going and incredibly accommodating to his wifes idiosyncrasies, she is always snapping at him and making condescending remarks. Is it not enough that he spends all of his time at home helping with the children and goes to work on a daily basis to provide for his classroom of children and thus allowing Kate to be an “at-home mom”. Of course, I can’t imagine that 8 kids in childcare would be worth the effort of working outside of the home, but she always acts as if he is clueless and her life is so incredibly hard. Often times, she resorts to treating him like one of their toddlers.

One episode, Kate decided to hire a cleaning person. Through her exhaustive search, she finally settled on the one person who actually agreed to take the job on — so her prospects were limited. After the brave cleaning lady left, Kate then went around her house with imaginary white gloves, pointing out the hidden dust left behind. “Thanks for trying,” Kate said out loud, along with other rumbles of disappointment. The implication was that the cleaning woman was fired, not up to Kate’s high standards. Of course, you should get what you pay for, but cleaning after 6 toddlers and their bigger sisters, something is bound to get forgotten. Perhaps she should have cut the cleaning lady as much slack as she expects in return?

While Kate seems like a lot of fun and incredibly organized, it’s the little things — weird things — that seem to get her in a tizzy, like what shoes the older girls are going to wear to a carnival or if any of her family or friends puts her out by being one minute late. Sometimes you get the feeling that Kate is nothing more than a control freak, loving every challenge that comes her way, but at the same time, expecting others to reward her and recognize her for having it so tough, when in actuality, she really doesn’t. Sure, having 8 small children would drive the sanest person batty, it has also given them a much desired family and tv show. All in all, they have a pretty fortunate lifestyle.

As much as I like this show, I wish Kate would be less focused on herself and the indulgences of her children and complain less. Most families, even with less children, have their own unique challenges and have many other issues to deal with on top of it. Count your blessings Kate. You are not the first “over-worked” mother and you won’t be the last.

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Discuss on the blog comments or visit our Jon and Kate forums here:

http://www.imperfectparent.com/community/viewforum.php?f=205

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Spotted this morning above the entrance to the local mall:

What the hell is this? DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING, people. Day after Thanksgiving is the first acceptable day for outdoor Christmas displays. At least Target has the goddamn sense to shove the x-mas stuff into the back corner of the store — past the Halloween decorations I might add — until the last doorbell chime of the trick-or-treaters has been rung.

UNACCEPTABLE, local mall. Try as you might, I officially refuse to be jolly or merry or bright until midnight on November 23. So TAKE THAT.

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I had my first mammogram yesterday. After it was done, I pondered things that would have been much more pleasant…chewing glass…having a toe amputated…sticking a needle in my eye….eating goose poop. The thoughts flowed through my head as I winced and said, “Ow. Ow. Ow.”

The nurse was nice enough to prep me, she said, “You know a lot of women complain about how painful this test is, but I think you’ll find that it isn’t as bad as everyone says.”

“Thanks a lot,” I thought to myself, “I hadn’t actually heard that, but thanks for making the 45 minute wait that much sweeter.”

First of all, it’s awkward, because you have this woman man-handling your breasts and she pulls them and stretches them every which way. I’ve heard women tell me it’s worse when you have less (pointing out that I have “more”), but then there’s less to squeeze and squish in between those large plastic plates. Now that I’ve done it, I have to disagree.

Seriously, I have red marks above my boobs and I’ve had to take ibuprofen last night and this morning and I’m still in excruciating pain (over 24 hours later). There is no way that can be good for your breast tissue. Screw the dangers of radiation, I feel like the damage to my breasts is enough to facilitate cancer even if there was none to begin with. I hear stories from people all the time, where an injury later developed into cancer in that area. While doctors and scientists poo-poo the idea, I’d like to see more research in the area myself. Bodies are not meant to be damaged. We are fragile beings. My boobies are fragile. Be kind oh, mammogram operator. It just isn’t right!

I even told her when it was done that I didn’t agree with her, the whole thing sucked the big one and I was too young to get it done anyway, “I’m 38,” I boasted. She wasn’t impressed. She told me that the first mammogram should be between the age of 35 and 40 and then it was to be done every 2 years until 50 and then it’s to be done every year.

The only reason I even did it was because my OB-GYN wouldn’t renew my birth control pills without my having it done, so he had me over a barrel. (If you lived with my two boys, you would know what I mean.)

My GYN recommends a mammogram after 40 every year.

This experience has taught me two things a) I need to get a new GYN (one that sticks with traditional protocols) and b) breasts were never meant to be compressed like a stale piece of gum, stuck to a cheap pair of shoes. Mammograms really hurt. Next time, I’m stopping by a bar and having a few before the torture.

As if coming upon 40 weren’t bad enough…

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An analysis by STATS.org, a non-partisan organization based out of George Mason University, is starting to question the campaign towards spinning statistics in order to guilt mothers into breastfeeding.

Why, you ask?…because it is highly political. Breastfeeding represents certain political, social and moral ideals while formula represents corporate America and women succumbing to the pressures of American society with short maternity leaves, an industry that contributes to environmental pollution and the sexualization of a woman’s breasts.

STATS.org offers some perspective in one of breastfeeding advocacy’s statistical weapons, a scare tactic about childhood cancer:

One notable addition to the list of ills which breast-feeding guards against, notes Orent, comes from a 400-page HHS Agency for Health Care Research and Quality study. It concludes that childhood leukemia is reduced by as much as 19 percent for breastfed babies, as compared to non-breastfed babies.

But given that there are approximately 30 leukemia cases in a million children, a 20 percent reduction due to breastfeeding avoids a risk of 1 in 150,000 that your child will develop leukemia; of these, 50 to 80% survive, depending on the type of leukemia. In other words, insisting that all women breast feed (and for more than six months) would save less than one life in 300,000.

While one could easily argue that saving one child’s life in 300,000 is something that our society should strive for, the actual stats are likely not to be statistically significant.

STATS.org goes on to ask us to consider this:

In other words, driving safely is more than twice as risky for death than not nursing and getting leukemia as a result.

And then, if you are genuinely concerned about risk, there are the approximately 203,000 kids who were injured as passengers in 2005. Yet, it’s hard to imagine any newspaper running an op-ed warning mothers to avoid letting their child inside a car, and chastising the government for being in league with the auto industry to suppress the risk.

If certain women wish to shape PUBLIC POLICY based on statistics, shouldn’t it be presented accurately and with fairness? Honestly, the whole idea of government mandating breastfeeding or creating social and political policies or possible tax breaks to women who breastfeed coupled with using propaganda to “punish” corporations leaves me contemptuous towards those who wish to force their agendas on me (or women on a whole). Women deserve better. Women deserve accurate information and they deserve to have a choice in the matter.

In my opinion, the zeal to empower women and lead them into certain social choices is in actuality, setting them back many years. Present the truth and let women decide. Nobody should be influenced by false representations, especially by their own government.

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A former coworker of mine, who came and went within a span of 4 months, announced during her 2nd week of employment that she was expecting a baby. Congratulations were offered to the glowing, petite mother who could not have been more than a few days pregnant, given her size 0 figure.

Surprise, surprise. She tells us, she’s not 2 weeks pregnant, she expecting in 2 weeks! Apparently, her and her husband hired a surrogate to carry their biological child and being the intrusive, nosy-nelly I am, I said to her, “Isn’t that wonderful that there are options for loving people to have children when they aren’t able to?”

Okay, so pretty presumptuous of me, I know. Then she says that getting pregnant wasn’t their problem, but that she has a pinched nerve in her neck that sometimes requires pain killers and she didn’t think it was safe to carry a baby. “Plus,” she said, “I have a weight restriction of 15 pounds, because of my pinched nerve, so I couldn’t carry a baby to term, unless I wanted to be bed ridden and who wants that?” (I dunno know, someone who wants a baby perhaps?)

Since she’s being so free with the info, I say, “Huh. Your surrogate must be a really good person.”

“No, she’s not,” she replies. “We had to pay her and we paid her really well.”

I couldn’t resist. “Tell me if this question is too personal, but what does something like that cost?”

“Enough to send her 3 boys to college.”

So, two weeks later she is out on maternity leave. Apparently, she likes the number two, since she also took two weeks off for her maternity leave. (Yep, two whole weeks.)

Then, she comes back, hair perfect, clothes ironed but emotionally distraught and she proceeds to lose it. Every day, she comes in crying. She complains incessantly about how much her nanny costs and that she is paying her nanny more than she makes. I suggest that perhaps she quit? She says she can’t, her husband’s company is laying people off. It starts to annoy me. She cries all day. She claims she’s going through post-partum depression. (Is that possible, if you haven’t actually given birth?)

And then she ups and quits.

Weird.

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“So, you guys have fun at the pumpkin patch?” I ask my 4-year-old, who is carrying a bag of kettle corn taller than he is.

“Yeah, I do.”

I turn to our 9-year-old. “What did you have for lunch?”

“Corn.”

“That’s it, just corn?”

“Oh, and pumpkin pie. And a taffy apple for dessert.”

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Mominatrix Radio is back on the air, and tonight our favorite leather goddess is chatting with the Queen of Orgasms, author and lecturer Lou Paget who’ll share some of her insight to help you get the most bang for your buck in the bedroom (or living room, or public park).

So join us LIVE tonight, October 5 at 9:00 p.m. EST for the lowdown on getting your button pushed, so to speak. The Whipping Boy accidentally got a ball gag stuck in his mouth so he’ll be working the chat room and this sexy mom will be filling in on the air in his stead. AND WE’RE STILL GIVING SHIT AWAY! Call in during the show at 646-716-9830 with a question or perhaps your little tip for getting your “oh face” on and you can win a tin of fabulous handcrafted lube courtesy of this enterprising lady.

If you don’t feel like calling, you can send a question or comment to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com, or check out the nifty new chat feature. Click here to listen/subscribe.

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As a work at home dad — or GLAAD — I get to experience some of the abstract joys of parenthood, such as walking the kids to school on a sunny fall day. While it doesn’t always go according to plan with the 4th grader, as we all notoriously can’t get moving in the morning, I definitely make it a point to walk the scant quarter mile to my younger son’s preschool down the street for his afternoon class. My little effort to fight childhood obesity, and one look at me can attest that I could use the exercise as well.

Today, however, was different as it was our turn to bring snack. I had overcompensated by making 10 pounds of fruit salad so we drove instead. I dropped him off, handed the giant tray to his teacher (who gave me a multi-meaning, “Oh, uh, wow!”), and headed home to try and get some work done. After a while, I remembered I needed to go to the post office. I grabbed the mail, ran outside, and immediately felt a wave of panic. OUR CAR WAS GONE.

Oh, god, my baby! My sweet, sweet car, the first new one we’ve had in 6 years! Gone! Did I park it in the street for some reason? I ran into the front yard — not there. Repossessed? Sure, I was a few days late on the last payment, but that’s not worthy of the repo man. It must have been stolen! What brazen car thief would steal a car in the middle of the afternoon on a side street in a sleepy little suburb? I’VE BEEN VIOLATED! That’s when it hit me.

I had walked home from preschool, and left the car in the school parking lot.

So I guess I got my walk in to and from (er, from and to) school after all.

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Shows what I know. Just as a 15 year old can’t be charged with statutory rape for having sex with another 15 year old, I figured something similar would be the case in which a 14 year old possessed naked pictures of a classmate. Turns out that’s wrong:

A 14-year-old St. Charles boy faces felony charges after police say he forced a girl of the same age to take pornographic photos of herself and distribute them over the Internet.

The boy, who is not being named because of his age, is scheduled to appear in juvenile court Nov. 9 on a charge of possession and distribution of child pornography, police said Monday.

According to the story, however, the only “distribution” he seemed to do was send the pics via IM to one of his buddies.

While rather heinous, is child pornography the right charge here? That this kid, if found guilty, will presumably be labeled a sex offender in the legal system? Seems like a tricky one to me — what do you think?

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