A SAHM (or is it “unemployed mom?”) minces words…
Posted
August 21, 2007 at
1:53 pm by
Jessica
Today I stumbled upon The Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s “mom blog”, where Ms. Giarrusso, the author, contemplates the meaning of “working mother”. She writes:
Let me add that I’m aggravated by the term “working mom” because if you have children, even one, you are working. And you can’t always say “working out of the home” because I actually work in the home. Maybe we should say “employed” mom.
What I don’t understand is — why are stay at home mothers so insecure? Who cares if moms who work outside the home are called “working moms”?
While I agree that being at home full time to raise your children is a selfless and respectable choice if one has the luxury to do so. The rewards may not be as tangible as perhaps, a monetary bonus, but you must consider the value and effect your being home has on your children.
This whole, “I’m just as good as you are,” attitude is really childish. Many working moms would love to be home and not have to deal with childcare, while others, like myself, actually enjoy their careers — it’s what makes us individuals.
Of course, being at home is insanely hard work and nobody is trying to diminish that, but it is really not the responsibility of the working mother to make stay at home mothers feel adequate. Mincing words and trying to politicize the labels that go along with “working mom” is ridiculous and stems from a lack of fulfillment and self esteem in what one is doing. If a SAHM truly enjoys what she is doing and is not resenting it, she shouldn’t need strangers approval or recognition.
I mean really. How spoiled are we? We live in one of the richest nations on earth, where most SAHMs and WOHMs lifestyles would seem nothing short of gluttonous to many people around the world. It is not other people’s responsibility to make sure you feel good about yourself on top of that. If you feel under-appreciated, take it up with your family and friends. Stop blaming other people if you feel like your life is crappy.
Tags: mommy-wars, SAHM, wahm, WOHM |
23 Responses to “A SAHM (or is it “unemployed mom?”) minces words…”
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1. Mom2Two said:
August 22, 2007 @ 2:02 pm
I don’t think it has anything to do with blaming others, just with getting credit where credit is deserved. Would a caterer be OK with being called a waitress or would an accountant like to be called a secretary? It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with being a waitress or a secretary, but it’s also not accurate.
Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who thought it was easy to be a working mom, but I’ve met plenty who thought it was easy to be a stay home mom.
2. Priya said:
August 22, 2007 @ 2:04 pm
I read the original article and it looks like it was a case of labels. The author took umbrage to the “going back to being a full-time mom” comment by the nanny company employee. How would Teresa, the author, have liked this to have been broached? I am not sure that she would have been happy with any version of that comment. The nanny agency was just trying to say that there would be no penalty for stopping the services if she should not require a nanny in the future.
It is sad when people get so caught up in what other people say/think about them. Even to the point of seeing insult where there isn’t. The nanny agency did not mean to insult, I am sure.
We seem to walk around with such a big chip on our shoulders about everything these days. I know I am right there with everyone else with my own triggers. It is getting so that no one can say anything these days for fear of pissing someone off!
3. Jessica said:
August 22, 2007 @ 3:01 pm
A caterer is a cook, and therefor not a waitress, so that would be inaccurate.
[quote comment="105211"]
An accountant is qualified differently than a secretary, so that is also inaccurate.
A stay-at-home-mom IS a stay-at-home-mom. She is a mom who is priviledged enough to be home with her kids. If a SAHM is offended by the label, “SAHM”, then perhaps they should find a new line of work!
4. Kim said:
August 22, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
Ok, I read this last night and decided to stay out of it, but reading the comments, I now feel the need to say something.
I am not employed, I am very happy with my life and have no self esteem issues but I am NOT a SAHM. I am a Domestic Project Manager. I am hardly ever home because I volunteer for my school, girl scouts, countless kid activities and help with my elderly mother in law. I did work for many years in the business world and I do feel pride in what I do and yes.. a title that is realistic to what I do is important to me.
Stay at home moms work their butts off day in and day out, and do often loose a lot of who they are. If getting pissy about what they are called helps anyone keep their head about themselves I grant them full access to complain when the simple words of stay at home mom bothers them. In addition, not all moms who are home every day want it, but due to cost of working, child care and current wages it makes best financial scene to stay home. I see this a lot in Utah where the average family size is 6.
5. Prescott said:
August 22, 2007 @ 4:57 pm
[quote comment="105220"]If getting pissy about what they are called helps anyone keep their head about themselves I grant them full access to complain when the simple words of stay at home mom bothers them.[/quote]
Actually, to be technical, she’s getting pissy about other women calling themselves “working moms”.
6. Jessica said:
August 22, 2007 @ 5:59 pm
I am not employed, I am very happy with my life and have no self esteem issues but I am NOT a SAHM. I am a Domestic Project Manager.[/quote]
How about “Senior Specialist Vice President of Chief Domestic Operations Project Manager”?? So, instead of SAHM, you could be SSVPOCDOPM?
Anyway, you are certainly welcome to call yourself anything you’d like. In fact, it is your right, but I don’t know if I’d be expecting other people to acknowledge your self proclaimed title, especially when there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM. Nothing at all.
I’m not a big title person anyway. I always think it’s so silly when people at work get so hung up on titles. It’s like on The Office when Michael made Dwight the Assistant Manager to the Assistant Regional Manager. LOL.
7. crunchy carpets said:
August 22, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
I think the ‘insecurities’ show up when it is assumed that a stay at home mom is an uneducated one..or lesser educated than a working mom.
Total bull and silly…as not all working moms are career moms. Many moms are working to make ends meet and put food on the table. It is not always a lifestyle choice.
I am a sahm because it works for us. And it works for me. We make do without many things..but because we are all together..we are happy.
I don’t think I am any less of a person for my choice.
I don’t judge people for working either. Why should I care?
But does being a sahm mean I can’t bitch some days about it? It ain’t all roses.
Are only working people allowed to complain?
No. We all have bad days and good days…..we are all allowed to vent or whatever.
I am sick of people thinking I am some sort of lesser being because I am home with my kids though….the judgement seems to swing in all directions…..
stereotypes abound and I suppose we are all sensitive about our choices because of this.
8. crunchy carpets said:
August 22, 2007 @ 6:22 pm
“A stay-at-home-mom IS a stay-at-home-mom. She is a mom who is priviledged enough to be home with her kids. If a SAHM is offended by the label, “SAHM”, then perhaps they should find a new line of work!”
I don’t like the word ‘priviledged’here..it assumes that people are wealthy enough to make this choice.
We are not wealthy have made many sacrifices sticking to a single income.
Mind you …the cost of daycare is beyond many too and THAT is an issue that gets forgotten.
I think this mommy war is really something that ONE level of class or income has issues with.
Us low income folks don’t have a choice about nanny’s or daycare.
9. jane said:
August 22, 2007 @ 7:31 pm
I’m with you on this one - mostly.
I share your observation that the debate has become trivial and self-involved. There seems to be a lack of awareness of the extent to which we are wealthy and prosperous.
However, I’m not sure why you feel the need to use the label “childish.” It’s insulting, it doesn’t fit and it certainly doesn’t do anything to lift the level of the dialogue.
10. Jessica said:
August 22, 2007 @ 7:44 pm
Nobody here has said that.
11. Jessica said:
August 22, 2007 @ 7:45 pm
I don’t like the word ‘priviledged’here..it assumes that people are wealthy enough to make this choice.[/quote]
By priviledged, I mean “honored” — not dollars.
12. Mom2Two said:
August 22, 2007 @ 9:14 pm
[quote comment="105215"][quote comment="105211"]Would a caterer be OK with being called a waitress[/quote]
A caterer is a cook, and therefor not a waitress, so that would be inaccurate.
[quote comment="105211"]or would an accountant like to be called a secretary?[/quote]
An accountant is qualified differently than a secretary, so that is also inaccurate.
A stay-at-home-mom IS a stay-at-home-mom. She is a mom who is priviledged enough to be home with her kids. If a SAHM is offended by the label, “SAHM”, then perhaps they should find a new line of work! :)[/quote]
That’s the point, that calling those people those things would be inaccurate. Just as it’s inaccurate to assume or imply that stay home parents don’t really work. ALL moms are working moms, regardless of whether they have an office to go to or not, and ALL moms are fulltime moms, even if they have an office to go to. Sadly, there are a lot of people that honestly think stay home moms sit on the couch and watch TV all day.
I’m not offended by the label SAHM, but I am offended when people look down their noses at me and say, “Surely this isn’t ALL you do?”
13. Jessica said:
August 22, 2007 @ 9:31 pm
First of all, I never said that SAHMs don’t work.
Second of all, this isn’t an argument over who works harder or who has the most difficult job or who’s life is more important than another. This is a debate about an innocuous figure of speech — “stay at home mom” or SAHM as it’s often referred to, and whether or not the term is offensive.
Just the fact that it’s a debate some SAHMs wish to have, to me, shows how gluttonous we’ve become as a society. Everyone thinks it’s other people’s problem and responsibility to validate them or give them a sense of self. I’m saying that giving yourself a new title is not going to change whether or not you’re happy, content and rewarded in what you do! (For the most part, of course everyone has bad days.)
14. Mom2Two said:
August 23, 2007 @ 8:48 am
[quote comment="105257]
First of all, I never said that SAHMs don’t work.
Second of all, this isn’t an argument over who works harder or who has the most difficult job or who’s life is more important than another. This is a debate about an innocuous figure of speech — “stay at home mom” or SAHM as it’s often referred to, and whether or not the term is offensive.
Just the fact that it’s a debate some SAHMs wish to have, to me, shows how gluttonous we’ve become as a society. Everyone thinks it’s other people’s problem and responsibility to validate them or give them a sense of self. I’m saying that giving yourself a new title is not going to change whether or not you’re happy, content and rewarded in what you do! (For the most part, of course everyone has bad days.)[/quote]
I didn’t mean to imply that you did say that SAHMs don’t work. But some people do think that.
Quite frankly I don’t really care what anyone else thinks of my choices. I’m happy as a SAHM, or whatever else you want to call it. I’m not personally looking to redefine what it means to be a mother, or looking for a new term. It’s just that the OP wondered why SAHMs are insecure, and I don’t think that’s accurate. The term “SAHM” is not offensive, nor is the term “working mom” offensive, but the judgement that quite often comes with those terms is.
15. Petulant Pixie said:
August 23, 2007 @ 10:07 am
I don’t have any issue with the term “working mom” meaning “employed mom”. It’s just the terms that we use and if SAHMs are touchy about the term “working” not being applied to them, well, too bad, I guess.
I went round and round with this years ago, because I didn’t like the stereotype of a housewife and I wanted to not be lumped in with that image (use SAHM or whatever other term you want to, it doesn’t matter).
But, just like so many other things, the more I fought to elevate the standing of the group I was associating with, the more I realized that while *I* didn’t fit the stereotype, there were plenty of my peers who did. I am not a typical SAHM in that while I am not employed full time, I have had part-time jobs through the vast majority of my SAHM tenure, so while I label myself as a SAHM, I do not represent the group.
The idea that SAHMs work as hard (or harder, lol) than working mothers is idiotic. I’ve done both and I assure you that the full time working mothers below a certain income have it the hardest, and their spouses have it harder, too. Those who work full time and make enough money to fund a housecleaner, grocery delivery (and maybe even meal delivery), laundry service, and getaway homes (lake cabins, time shares) maybe don’t have it as hard as the typical working mom. But, for the rest of the working population, their entire pay check goes to maintaining a middle class quality of life. Their days are spent doing their paid jobs and their evenings and weekends are spent doing the unpaid jobs of grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, fitting in some time with the kids and getting ready for the next workday.
Staying at home is a luxury. It provides many more hours to get done all those nuisance chores, so it relieves pressure from the entire family, so they can enjoy evenings and weekends together doing things together. So, it’s not like the work that a SAHM does isn’t valued, but a working mother (and father) does the same work, just in a more cramped timeframe.
16. Jessica said:
August 23, 2007 @ 12:28 pm
Exactly. I’m not saying being a SAHM is a picnic or that it isn’t sometimes more work than working outside of the home, what I’m saying is that I don’t think SAHMs are a persecuted or victimized segment of our society. Many working moms would love to stay home with their kids, I’m sure.
Prescott and I always joke that people would love to be in his situation because he works from home, but ask him how easy that is! LOL!!
17. Petulant Pixie said:
August 23, 2007 @ 2:23 pm
Yeah, I’d imagine the only time working from home would be no problem is if you had in-home day care or all of your kids were in school. Otherwise, it’s really REALLY hard to get any work accomplished and care for needy kids at the same time.
18. Petulant Pixie said:
August 23, 2007 @ 2:41 pm
[quote comment="105254"]I’m not offended by the label SAHM, but I am offended when people look down their noses at me and say, “Surely this isn’t ALL you do?”[/quote]
I battled with that a few years back. For ME, I was initially embarrassed by being labeled a SAHM because of the stereotype. But, the thing is, at least around here, when I did get to know the other SAHMs, they lived up to the stereotypes. They were all about making a happy home and that IS all they did. I’ll contend that maybe this is a regional thing, that if I lived in a more urban area rather than this particular upscale suburb, that it wouldn’t be like this. But, around here, my SAHM peers are not interested in bettering themselves at all (they don’t read, they don’t have interests in learning anything new or trying anything new, all volunteer work is in a way that benefits their kids through school or church, and all discussion is about their kids and their houses). So, my embarrassment to be included in this particular group is genuine, but hence is my albatross if I want the convenience of being home all day and living where I do. It’s a small price to pay, lol, plus *I* know that I’m different because not all SAHMs are the same.
After being a professional for your whole adult life, it’s hard to have the identity that goes along with that stripped. It is kind of shocking at first, when you have a title you’re proud of and you have to drop it and become an anonymous housewife. At least it was for me, I always felt the need to add to that question, “What do you do?” Because answering that I’m home with kids all day sounds really blah. Because it IS really blah. There aren’t many interesting stories that come from that lifestyle, really, no matter how hard parenting magazines try to spin it. Nobody really cares what your two year old is doing when you’re in a situation where parenting isn’t the focal point. It’s not that it can’t be fun and filling and challenging, but it really isn’t anything YOU’RE accomplishing either, it’s all about the little people you care for and what THEY’RE doing. So, really, if your life DOES just spin on the kiddy-care axis, then I think you do need to get out and embelish it with something else, because everyone does need their own stories to tell.
19. Jessica said:
August 23, 2007 @ 3:05 pm
Thank you for that. I felt the same way when I was at home, but I really admire moms that can do it because it’s hard to be the solar system around your childs world all day long, without a break, but I believe that the rewards pay off with the security it gives children. Frankly, I’m glad Prescott is s a WAHD or a SAD (depending on the time of day).
20. Petulant Pixie said:
August 23, 2007 @ 3:16 pm
But, it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. That’s the thing. When you’re a SAHM it really doesn’t have to be ALL you do. You can be a SAHM and….training in martial arts. Or a SAHM and….writing a novel. Or a SAHM and…volunteering for the Clinton campaign. Or a SAHM and…working part-time weekends at the library. Any and all of those give you some life outside caring for other people, interactions with a world outside kid-related duties, and you come home and you have your own stories to tell at the dinner table.
I’ll never forget the first paycheck I got when I worked for the mobile vet unit in MA. It was only for like $150, but it was a paper check. DH’s checks get direct deposited, so nobody ever sees them. My kids were passing my piddly little paper check back and forth in the back seat just totally blown away that mommy earned $150. It was unreal to them that something I did was worth $150. Now, of course, DH’s checks are a little bigger than that, lol, but my kids never see and handle his checks. I think that being home does make life easier, but truly, I think it is important for your children to see you as something other than their caregiver. You HAVE to have some life, whether it’s money-making or not, outside the home.
21. Jessica said:
August 23, 2007 @ 4:55 pm
Sure you can, but I couldn’t find the time or energy to do any of that while I was a SAHM. I’m sure a lot of moms do, but I couldn’t.
22. Mom2Two said:
August 23, 2007 @ 8:18 pm
Know what’s even crazier? People who think SAHM’s *shouldn’t* have interests away from their families, or feel like they ever need to take a break.
23. Susan said:
August 24, 2007 @ 7:18 pm
Hi, my name is Susan and I’m a mom….a full-time mom because, you know, even though I’m employed full-time outside of my home, I am still my children’s mother - and always will be. Just as non-employed mothers are, too. I’m unsure why that is questioned by either “side.”
No one should feel persecuted because they are at home; I shouldn’t feel persecuted because our PTO seems to think 9:30 on Tuesday mornings is the best time to hold a meeting open to all parents! (OK, it really kind of ticks me off, but whatever.) And, personally I agree with Petulant Pixie that we are more than being caregivers or carpoolers. It doesn’t mean we’re criminals. It doesn’t mean raising our kids isn’t the most important job we do, so why does society (and some of our neighbors) make mothers feel like they’re criminals for wanting a bit of their own life, too? Insecurity, as Jessica said.
Okay, I’m tired and rambling; pretty much all the good points were taken — we’re ALL tired on a Friday night after a long week. Maybe next time, though, we could throw the breastfeeding debate in - that would really liven things up on a Friday night!