Heard on the net: separating twins for adoption
Posted
August 7, 2007 at
1:28 am by
Jessica
I recently happened upon a thread whose original argument was about the gay marriage debate. I wasn’t interested in weighing in the gay marriage part, as I’m pretty ambivalent about gay marriage in general.
The real issue for me, and which was barely mentioned, were the comments of a poster who mentioned that her four gay friends, a female couple and a male couple, were having twins and splitting them between themselves. One of the women was artificially inseminated by one of the gay male’s sperm, and they had decided that each of the couples would take one of the twins after birth.
Now, I respect their right to have children. Gay couples are as capable of being loving and nurturing parents as any straight parent, however…splitting up the twins? I know that the commenter said that they have a close relationship and the twins would see each other often, but doesn’t that seem like it could cause undue trauma? And I think we all have had close friendships that suddenly turned sour. This just seems incredibly selfish to me, and it wouldn’t matter if the couples were straight, I would still feel the same way.
Tags: adoption, gay-marriage, Social Issues, surrogacy |
14 Responses to “Heard on the net: separating twins for adoption”
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1. Petulant Pixie said:
August 7, 2007 @ 6:05 am
I agree, I think they should treat it as they would any other kind of shared custody, rather than split the twins up. How very Parent Trap. I didn’t think such a thing could happen in this day and age, and I thought that Parent Trap situation was horrific when I first saw it–oh, the kids look the same, so each parent gets one, like from a litter of kittens, how convenient for the parent, nevermind that they’re two totally separate people with their own personalities and that they might want to be raised TOGETHER. I think it’s really, really wrong.
2. Kris said:
August 7, 2007 @ 8:44 am
Yes, I must say, I very much agree with you here. Splitting them up would cause some sort of trauma-whatever it turned out to be, subtle or not.
3. julie connors said:
August 8, 2007 @ 10:14 am
ewwww.. that’s just creepy and very very wrong, and incredibly selfish of the parents.
4. Diane said:
August 8, 2007 @ 1:44 pm
Thats worse than having Rosie as a mom
5. Diane said:
August 8, 2007 @ 1:46 pm
or britney
6. Cathy said:
August 8, 2007 @ 5:29 pm
As a mom of twins, there is no way I would ever be able to see one without the other. There is a unique bond that they form that should never be broken. Leave those babies together!!
7. Jill said:
August 8, 2007 @ 8:34 pm
I am a twin, but I I don’t really think the fact that they are twins makes it any better or worse than splitting up any siblings for the purpose of adoption. They will be spilt at birth, right? Well, in that case…so whose to know what, if any, “special bond” there what have been?
Certainly, if they never had this bond, they will not miss it or be traumatized by the loss of this potential bond that was never realized.
I am not sure if I think them staying in contact is good or not. One on hand, if that happens they may indeed miss this “bond” and be more traumatized. ON the other, then they could have a relatiopnship…and if it is how they are brught up and all they have ever known, if may be what works for them. After all, the definition of fmaily is growing every day.
My twin and I have absolutely nothing more speical between us than any other siblings. I hate the expectation that we are supposed to just because we shared a womb. I am looked at with pity, or as if I am some sort of evil person, when I tell people “no, my twin and I are not so close, never were”. Whatever. It is what it is, and it is not a bad thing or a sad thing.
8. Jessica said:
August 9, 2007 @ 11:55 am
Well, your situation certainly goes against 30 years of research and sounds pretty atypical.
No reputable adoption agency in the U.S. will split up twins. It has long been considered unethical.
And, you have no idea if you would have felt a sense of loss if you had been separated from your twin, even if you are not close (or never have been), and at least it has been your decision not be close to your twin and not the apathetic decision of parents that put their needs first.
I think it’s terrible. JMO.
9. Jill said:
August 9, 2007 @ 3:39 pm
I’m not saying it is not bad or sad to seperate twins for the purpose of adoption…I do not think any siblings should be seperated for the purpose of adoption.
However, no research could convince me that I would be traumatized by the loss of a sibling I never knew I had had in the first place, twin or otherwise.
I am sorry my story messes up so many peoples pictures of the neat little package that twins are supposed to be. I don’t think it is atypical at all. My MIL is a twin and does not even talk to her sister. I know many twins…just as many who are not close as those who are. It may be merely anecdotal, but then again I would imagine most of the reseach on twins is as well…that it is based on what they, and their parents, say. There is no way of really knowing if it is what they feel. It is pretty scary for a twin to say “No, my twin and I are not so close, no special bond here”. I should know, it is only recently that I had been able to say it to anyone, even though I have felt it my whole life.
Of course, I am sure there is also research done on the outcomes of twins seperated at birth…but it would be pretty hard, IMO, to control for all the other criteria that likely led to that seperation. I work with kids that are seperated from their biological families…twins or not, it is a very traumatizing thing.
10. Jessica said:
August 9, 2007 @ 3:59 pm
I am sorry my story messes up so many peoples pictures of the neat little package that twins are supposed to be.[/quote]
Sheesh. I’m not even going to go there.
My point is that no reputable adoption agency is willing to split up twins, although it would be a lot easier to adopt them out separately. Why do you think they won’t do that? Simply because they’re ignorant and don’t understand that siblings and twins could care less?…I’m sure it’s not based on trivial reasons (oh, twins are so cute together etc.), it’s for psychological reasons.
Perhaps the babies in the OP will be able to see each other once or twice a week and give a rat’s butt that they’re apart, but I wouldn’t be surprised if those babies cry and cry and cry at night, after being together, only to be consoled by being together.
Surely you can’t know how you felt about your twin when you were an infant and how that translated to comfort, as an infant, unless you’re claiming that you two were estranged the moment you were born. Twin infants that acted like ships passing in the night, perhaps?
11. The Mommanista said:
August 9, 2007 @ 4:17 pm
“Surely you can’t know how you felt about your twin when you were an infant and how that translated to comfort, as an infant, unless you’re claiming that you two were estranged the moment you were born. Twin infants that acted like ships passing in the night, perhaps?”
NO, I dont remeber. Yet I still seriously doubt hat twins that have never been together since birht mis one another. As a matter of fact, I read a blog daily about written by a mother who had premature twins, and lost one. According to her blog, the remaining twin is a very content baby. He certainly does not cry all night every night.
As for me, lets just say I do not remember one moment where my twin has added anything to my life…and have actually chosen to have an only child myself. I am sure my being a twin is a part of that decision. I want my DD to have something I never had growing up…her own identity without her entire life ebing defined by the existance of a sibling. I am terrified that if I even consider having another child…I will have twins (they run in both our families…and I am getting older which also makes ti more likely).
12. Isobel said:
September 1, 2007 @ 9:31 am
Having read the comments here and being a twin I feel the need to write. First off let me say that not only am I a twin but one half of that truly magickal set where we shared a sac and a placenta. This is not to take away from twins who did not but living so closely for the months we were inside our mother’s womb must have done something to us because even when we are apart for long periods of time (and we are) there is still that bond, no quote marks from me folks.
To seperate twins, identcal, fraternal or otherwise is truly a crime and for a twin to sound so callous towards her womb mate is harsh. I don’t for one minute believe her. Every set of twins that I have had the pleasure to meet has mentioned the bond they share and it has to do with being so close with someone from the very beginning.
I cannot believe that anyone could in all good consciecousness do something like that and hope that they understand exactly what they are doing to two innocent children before its too late.
But then that is only my opinion on this whole thing.
Oh, one more thing…to the twin, try to find the uniqueness that is being a twin and the joys that having someone so close can bring you instead of the bitterness you seem to want to share with others.
13. Sarah said:
November 13, 2007 @ 7:41 pm
I disagree with the idea of splitting up a pair of twins or siblings for adoption. If possible, they should be left together. They’re family, after all.
But isn’t it just as bad for a parent to deliberately conceive a child without intending to raise that child themselves? Isn’t adoption supposed to be a last resort?
What will it mean for these children as they grow up? They’re already starting out in a situation that is usually associated with divorce, and keeping the kids in contact with each other and both of their parents simply isn’t going to be easy.
14. Amanda said:
November 24, 2007 @ 11:13 pm
I have seen preterm twins in the hospital and have spoke with hospital workers about that and it has been said that preterm twins actually do better when both babies are together in one bed than if they were apart in two it helps with the healing process they said.