I was ready to work up a case of righteous indignation about useless bureaucracy, misguided priorites, blah, blah, but this is just so incredibly laughable I couldn’t even manage it. It seems that Illinois Representative Mary Flowers, a Democrat from Chicago, wants to require by law that all Chicago schoolchildren need to “wash their hands with antiseptic soap before eating.” The less fruitcake portion of her proposal states that the school district would need to upgrade bathrooms and hand-washing stations so they meet “nationally accepted standards.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hand washing freak. I keep a mini bottle of Purell in the car, and I’m one of those who uses a paper towel to exit a public restroom — in extreme cases, awaiting someone else to come in and allow me to prop the door open with my foot and slip out. So I get it. I’m not trying to be all, “Back in my day we got E. coli, and we liked it!” What I find ridiculous is that Flowers thinks this could possibly be implemented and enforced. My 3rd grader only has about 15 minutes to eat as it is, how will they fit in lining up several hundred kids for digit inspection? “You have dirty fingernails — no soup for you!”

Trying to make her case, Flowers started throwing out hyperbole claiming that her bill “could save lives.” As she probably noticed the audience’s eyeballs collectively rolling to the back of their skulls, she added, “or at least reduce absenteeism in city schools.” It’s all nice in theory, but since the Chicago public school system doesn’t exactly enjoy a reputation for quality education, Flowers may want to focus her efforts elsewhere — like maybe making sure kids actually graduate?

Obscure reference help here.

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