Cynical Parenting Apologist: All Out of Snark Part II
Posted
February 5, 2007 at
5:37 pm by
Redsy
Recently, I’ve been first in line to criticize hip parenting, and the propensity for parentographers to take undue pride in swearing, drinking, cynicism, and ingratitude to the fertility gods. In her rant against parenting memoirs like Neal Pollack’s Alternadad, Lisa Carver captures the essence of the problem beautifully:
As a generation (X), what we know for sure is how to be sarcastic and irreverent. Parenthood is bigger than that. It inspires thankfulness, humility, rage,…wonder and a quiet sense of sacredness.
Parenthood is indeed bigger than the swearing, drinking, and the incipient hostility with which we approach all authority and institutions (how many divorces did we personally witness before age 20?). And nothing brings home the painful insufficiency of cynical disbelief more than having children, that series of moments requiring an absolutely strong infrastructure of hope, faith, and trust.
But after a little over a month writing for Babble’s Stoller Derby I now recognize that while hip/trendy/cynical parenting for its own sake is just silly, the posing and posturing has its own validity and purpose. I’m not talking about money and cool baby bags, I still think that stuff is gruelingly dull.
I mean those stands we take to protect ourselves from the hugely scary task of parenting. Sometimes the armor of analysis and trash talk is the only thing keeping me from shrinking from the absolutely terrifying weight of my love for my children. For some of us, having children is like learning about the day of one’s death. You know there is an end to this life (they leave home), yet you cannot let it stop you from digging in and feeling the horrible love and knowing that these people that you cherish will be the people who will eventually (slowly) break your heart. And so. You quietly whisper a prayer and and say “Amen.” So be it. So be it.
Tags: all-out-of-snark, Babble, CrankMama, cynical-parenting-apologist, Parenting, Stoller-Derby |
15 Responses to “Cynical Parenting Apologist: All Out of Snark Part II”
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1. Kristen said:
February 5, 2007 @ 5:56 pm
I know you won’t leave your husband for me… but seriously, I’d marry ya!
Heh.
But seriously, part of me feels as though this used to be the cool/different angle in writing/blogging but now… it’s so tried. I have a post about this coming up (of course) — but seriously, maybe there’s something to just being plain old, normal… you know white socks and loafers?
okay. maybe not the loafers…
2. CrankMama said:
February 5, 2007 @ 6:18 pm
But then I’d be married THREE times and that would just be embarrassing.
I hear you on the hip / cranky parenting thing being tired (it is my schtick, but I get it), but I guess what I’m saying is that there is still something redemptive about it.
We may not be betty crockers and we swear too much, but our fear is real and to some extent deeply related to our unique generational experiences.
3. Jessica said:
February 5, 2007 @ 6:33 pm
See, that’s what happens when you sell your soul to the devil.
Cool parenting is like anything else in life, in excess it’s obnoxious and so not clever anymore.
We all know kids are assholes, we put up with it because we love them so much. How many ways can you spin that?
(Beautiful post by the way.)
4. crunchy carpets said:
February 5, 2007 @ 7:07 pm
It is an odd thing….whereas in reality we KNOW all sorts of folks have kids and some we will relate to and so we won’t.
And in simplicity it has seemed to be a urban vs suburban parent. And in that it seem that the urban….up to date with trends, music, living in tiny lofts, etc…..when they breed seem to have a fear that they will be grouped with the suburban stereotypes…..that people will think they have a mini van or that they WILL have to buy a minivan.
As far as blogging goes..unless you are being paid for a ‘tone’ to your posts. If you are posting about your life as a parent then just be honest. It is about you. So if some people think you are hip great…if not..well what can you do.
You are you. You love your kids as much as the next and your heart aches over the ups and downs the joys of parenting brings.
5. Kristen said:
February 5, 2007 @ 8:41 pm
I think there are folks (might I toot my own horn), like yourself, GGC, etc. that do the hip/cranky parenting thing well — mainly because you and a few others show “the other side” or the many facets of parenting.
However, my gripe with the totally urban parent outlets is that they are somewhat exclusive and engender this type of “hip/cool=bad” idea that you talked about before (as did Andi Buchanan).
Where is there room for the softer side?
Ack. I sound like a Sears Commercial.
6. CrankMama said:
February 5, 2007 @ 8:52 pm
But what I’m saying, K & J, is that I think there is more softness on Babble than people it credit for… and herein ends the defense.
And if a postpartum beauty such as yourself isn’t allowed to sound a bit Hallmark-y, I don’t know who is
7. thordora said:
February 6, 2007 @ 8:31 am
I think it comes down to, in small part, the fact that many people just haven’t grown up yet, and don’t want to. Is it easier to face “life” with the new Belle & Sebastian album and a “daddy drinks because I cry!” shirt? Possibly. Does it need to be talked about ad nauseaum? Likely not.
The constant constant yapping of “coolness” gets on my nerves. Aren’t we as parents, in some small way, meant to supplant ourselves in order to develop the next generation? Aren’t we as parents meant to give something more to our children than a list of cool bands they’ve seen before the age of 10, and neat shoes? Shouldn’t we be examining how we raise out children more than how we’re raising ourselves?
I don’t know either-but I find myself immediately turned off of things so into navel gazing. Why can’t we talk about parenting without being marketed into a niche with it?
I’m sure the softer side is there, somewhere. I just hate digging through all the angsty high school cynicism to find it. I have enough of my own.
8. Jessica Carlson said:
February 6, 2007 @ 1:59 pm
[quote comment="65332"]I don’t know either-but I find myself immediately turned off of things so into navel gazing. Why can’t we talk about parenting without being marketed into a niche with it?
I’m sure the softer side is there, somewhere. I just hate digging through all the angsty high school cynicism to find it. I have enough of my own. :)[/quote]
Very well said!
Also, I think we are way over-analyzing Babble here. It’s not as if it’s some crazy, unique concept.
The part that confuses me though, is this whole “urban” vs. “suburban” mentality. First of all, most families live in the suburbs, why would you want to alienate them? Secondly, the writers don’t even live in cities, so I’m not sure why they want to insult the majority of families or why it’s so unhip to live in the ‘burbs.
Prescott and I lived in one of the largest cities for a majority of our lives, and had children in a large city and then moved out to the ‘burbs and I gaurantee you, we did not make our decision based on how “cool” people would preceive us. That is just so high school.
Do people even deserve to be parents if they’re still worried, concerned and obsessed about what other people wear and live? Why bother having kids if you can’t grow up yourself. You can still be cool without trying so hard to be cool.
9. crunchy carpets said:
February 6, 2007 @ 2:28 pm
Jessica…that is what gets me.
There seems to be a great effort in making sure ‘they’ are not considered the same as a parent in suburbia. It must come from the work vs sahm thing or something.
There seems to be a worry that becoming a parent will take away your identity and therefore some folks try overly hard.
Vancouverites are the same. When I first had Adam we lived in a fairly trendy part of town…in a rental apartment. We knew we had to find bigger digs. And cheaper digs. We had met up with some local parents…they cracked us up..they had all bought these shoebox loft places pre child and now were struggling to maintain these ‘hip’ pads now crammed with baby stuff…and a mortgage to boot.
Yaletown is crammed with yummy mummies all complaining about lack of daycare and school space. What did you expect???
I like Babble..but apart from the bloggers who I was reading already, there really isn’t that much there for me. And I am not suburban. I live in Vancouver…just not in a trendy part of it.
10. Petulant Pixie said:
February 6, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
Jessica–
[quote]Do people even deserve to be parents if they’re still worried, concerned and obsessed about what other people wear and live? Why bother having kids if you can’t grow up yourself. You can still be cool without trying so hard to be cool.[/quote]
That’s my feeling, too. But, you see it in the ‘burbs as well, just with the different spin. Here it’s still about brand names and hairstyles, just the ‘burb brands and the ‘burb styles. It’s just the different baseline of judges.
You know who the really cool moms (and dads) are? The ones who have personalities of their own and don’t need to be told they “fit in” to a particular group.
11. Prescott said:
February 6, 2007 @ 4:34 pm
It’s another group of middle- to upper-class parents talking about the same things we all go through no matter what the living environment. I’m not even down on Babble’s content, per se, but they are the ones that put the bit about the “urban parent” in the masthead, not me. And then to try to float that urban image by filling up their blogging staff with people from the Bay Area, San Diego and the Seattle suburbs (not places I immediately associate with “urban grit”) all seems kind of silly.
I think their obvious marketing ploy is the albatross around the neck of what could be an interesting site and another good alternative to the Babycenters of the world.
12. Mom in WA said:
February 6, 2007 @ 10:48 pm
I agree that it gets a little unoriginal seeing all of the hip parenting blogs everywhere. But can I remind you that no matter how hip or cool you think you’re raising your kids, they’re still going to think you’re uncool down the road anyway. Yes, even you MILF’s are not safe from the inevitable. Picture this:
“Hey Jenny, remember that time when we were 5 and my mom was wearing those rhinestone hip-huggers and dancing to Shakira in our backyard at that BBQ?”
“Oh yeah. Right after her breast implants were put in, right?”
“No, it was after her 4th lip augmentation.”
“Yeah, now I remember. She wanted to show everyone her new naval piercing.”
“My God, she was such a loser. Don’t ever let me get like that.”
“I know.”
Look. Just love them and be there for them, and set a good example. And maybe if you’re lucky you’ll have a loving lasting friendship with them when they’re adults. I thank God everyday for my mom. She’s one of my best friends. And yes, she was a strict bitch when we were kids. And you know what? I’m OK with that.
13. crunchy carpets said:
February 6, 2007 @ 11:20 pm
Mom in WA..Oh I am killing myself…
Sigh..I guess I should NOT have gotten that tattoo!!
14. thordora said:
February 7, 2007 @ 9:17 am
Mom in WA, you made my morning.
My biggest fear is that my kids won’t dig any of the music/tattoos/weirdness that we like, and end up the squarest kids in the universe. Thank you for reminding me that is the likely course of action.
15. Prescott said:
February 7, 2007 @ 12:37 pm
My 4-year-old, by his own choosing, routinely listens to the White Stripes. Can I have a book deal now?