Shake it but don’t break it.
Posted
November 13, 2006 at
12:19 pm by
Stacy
I was not raised to be a feminist. I had to develop those sensibilities all on my own. Both my parents were born during the Great Depression and became “young adults” during the early 50’s. Back then, girls were “ladies” who wore hats and gloves and were discouraged from pursuing a career except as a last-ditch option when marriage didn’t make itself available. Boys were “young gentlemen” who got an automatic Get Out of Jail Free card that came in the form of the boys will be boys double standard.
My parents were very traditional people and I was raised, along with my sisters, to be a female person rather than just a person and the rules for being a girl were mostly about keeping a smile on your face while serving others. To put yourself before others was to be selfish and selfish was always bad. Unless a guy was being selfish and then it was conveniently called something more positive…such as “driven” or “self-motivated”. I had no brothers and so I never really understood the duplicity of those two gender worlds until I left my parents’ home.
Despite all of this, my father insisted that his daughters learn to shake hands upon meeting someone. Anyone. A firm, strong handshake was the first impression you gave a person upon making their acquaintance. Because Dad’s alma mater became our alma mater and that university championed a long tradition of “whipping out” (shaking hands) with strangers, friends or family, the notion of a woman with a strong grip did not seem unnatural to my father in the least. Unfortunately, upon graduation, we entered a world that didn’t share our father’s sensibilities or our alma mater’s frenzied obsession with shaking hands. And it was frustrating.
I still meet men, particularly those from my father’s generation or older, who won’t allow me to shake their hand. Some grasp my outstretched hand and turn it over as though they intend to bow and kiss it, which no one actually does. Some give me a weak-as water handclasp, as though I’m made of glass. Others will not allow me to grasp their entire hand and so they wind up daintily gripping the last two digits of my fingers. And the women of that generation often falter or stare at my hand as though they weren’t sure how to proceed. Clearly, they did not get my father’s memo about first impressions. The men from my own generation are better about accepting my hand, but some of them still let their hand go limp in mine…like a dead fish.
At times, when in the throes of one of these wimpy handshakes, I feel driven to use my left hand to anchor the handclasp so as to drive my right hand more deeply into a grip that allows the webbing between my thumb and finger come into contact with the same spot on their hand.
Because I share my father’s philosophy about the handshake and the initial impression it conveys, I have to wonder what lesson I’m supposed to take away from a man who will not accept my hand in the same manner he would that of another man. Is he merely weak himself or is he sending me the message that I am, in his eyes, not worthy of the real thing? That there are limitations in my access to his personal demonstrations of welcome and good faith? I don’t want a bone-crushing handshake. I just want a sincere and enthusiastic gesture of acquaintance. And frequently, I’m disappointed.
It’s one of the minor reasons I’m glad I don’t have daughters. Sure, there are many more important reasons that I’m not interested in raising a daughter, but most of them have to do with the fact that I still don’t have a great deal of understanding as to why a woman’s handshake doesn’t carry the same significance as a man’s. The same thing comes to mind when the removal of a man’s hat is a sign of respect when the American flag is present, but women stand around like a bunch of clueless dolts. Removal of our hat isn’t important. These are, as I’ve said, minor issues. But if I can’t find a way to explain their stupidity or change them in my own life, how can I expect to prepare a daughter for those situations? You can trust me when I say that it’s more important than you think. In fact, let’s shake on it.
Tags: double-standards, gender-issues, rules-of-conduct, shaking-hands |
13 Responses to “Shake it but don’t break it.”
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1. Jessica Carlson said:
November 13, 2006 @ 1:35 pm
Great post and great topic for discussion!
Maybe it’s a matter of geographical or demographic differences, but I have worked at many fortune 500 and 100 companies and never (NEVER) have I been greeted by a man that didn’t know what to do with my handshake. I do agree with you however, that I hate a weak handshake from anyone, especially women! And again, it’s just different experiences.
I also think that many feminists confuse equal rights with singular gender identity. I don’t think it does anybody any good to pretend there are no differences. I’m not putting value on the differences, ie: woman can’t do x or y as well as men (I’m not saying that at all). What I am saying is that women have physical differences and I’m not sure why that is shameful under the tent of feminism. For example, men can generally lift more than women. Not always, but generally.
Also, you take something like combat and women still aren’t supposed to be on the front lines, but funny enough, you never hear feminists complaining about that. Seems a little hypocritical.
Also, I do like tradition. I am an old soul I guess. I love seeing older women wearing their hats and being lady like. There’s a certain nostalgic and wholesome quality in that. I would hate to see that innocense being crushed or demonzied for political gain, especially when there are women in other countries being tortured and killed if they show a pinky toe.
I also think today’s feminism is very white and privileged in what they seek.
In the end though, I praise feminism for getting us to where we are today and keeping watch on the situation. I do think they have lost their way over the years however, and forgotten to be thankful for a great country in which the system allows for minorities to rise up and in refusing to acknowledge the wonderful differences in men and women. Women are extraordinary. We don’t need to be men to be that.
JMHO.
2. wordgirl said:
November 13, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
I have no doubt that men in the business world know how to shake hands. I’ve not had this problem in any of the places I’ve worked, and I probably should have made that clear. It’s places like church or schools or simple social situations where casual meet-ups often involve introductions. Once, at a PTA Open House, we ran into a couple who had brought their elderly parents. The elederly man recognized my husband’s college ring as being from his own alma mater and they shook hands and spoke briefly about it. I was wearing a ring from that school as well and when I spoke up, the man did not offer to shake my hand as he had done so with my husband.
In those everyday places, where people aren’t in their professional mindset, men sometimes lapse back into a mode where they seem less eager to impress a female casual acquaintance…unlike how they would treat a professional equal at a Fortune 500 meeting.
I, too, have no problem with little old ladies wearing hats. I find it charming. I find little old men in hats charming, too. I’m simply questioning how removing one is a sign of respect for one gender and not for another. And how it would be unthinkable for a man to be introduced to another man and NOT shake hands, but that it is sometimes acceptable when it’s a woman. We all have hands and clasping them is a widely-held expression of friendly intent and greeting.
I know that men and women are different and I celebrate those differences. I’ve never thought that feminism asked that women turn into men…only that women be given (without begging) the same opportunities as men. Problem is, women haven’t been in full control of their own lives for all that long and our society is still struggling to separate those TRAITS which are naturally masculine from the privileges we have always bestowed upon them. Anyway, I’m not talking about the differences we have due to body strength or anatomy.Those can’t be denied. I’m talking about attaching meaning to behaviors or abilities that we all have or demonstrate. But we all have heads and some of us wear hats upon them. Why is the removal of a hat symbolic of respect for only half the population?
Do we ask men and women to say the Pledge or sing the National Anthem differently from one another? Do men use their right hand and we pledge with our left? Everyone belches and yet it is no more rude for one gender to do so in public than another. So…why the handshake and why the hats?
3. Jessica Carlson said:
November 13, 2006 @ 3:41 pm
Stacy, you said, “I, too, have no problem with little old ladies wearing hats. I find it charming. I find little old men in hats charming, too. I’m simply questioning how removing one is a sign of respect for one gender and not for another. And how it would be unthinkable for a man to be introduced to another man and NOT shake hands, but that it is sometimes acceptable when it’s a woman. We all have hands and clasping them is a widely-held expression of friendly intent and greeting.”
Yeah, but my point was that I really don’t see it as an expression of trying to suppress women’s rights. I’m not going to go into the whole psychological reason or traditions in which men remove their hats and women don’t, only that I highly doubt this is symbolic of societies wish to demean women. I actually think we got the better end of the deal on that one.
As far as shaking hands go, I’d prefer not to shake any one’s hand really, but I still think you’re confusing traditional manners and cultural norms with an underlying discrimination against women, and even if it started out that way, I don’t feel that those cultural norms are part of a large, social conspiracy against women. There would have to be intent on the current culture for that to hold any weight, IMO. I just don’t feel victimized by what I feel are harmless traditions. But again, I’m old-fashion. I still like to see men/boys hold open doors for women and that’s why I could never declare myself a feminist, well that and the fact that I don’t personally feel repressed or victimized. I’m not a victim. Just try to tell me that I am!
;)
4. wordgirl said:
November 13, 2006 @ 4:34 pm
I promise that I don’t feel repressed when a man holds a door open for me. I insist that my sons do it as well when they’re in public or private. However, I also insist they hold the door open for ANY person (regardless of gender) who enters an establishment behind them. ESPECIALLY their elders. It’s just good manners. I hold the door open for men if they’re walking in behind me. It’s just polite. I’m really not equating manners with suppression. I’m just asking why these “cultural norms” are accepted as normal without really thinking about the meaning behind them. I’ll give you another example:
Many years ago, the reason that a prospective suitor had to ASK the woman’s father for her hand in marriage had to do with the transferral of property from the father to the groom. And there was the issue of dowry (payoff). Nowadays, such a procedure is no longer required. Women don’t “belong” to anyone and once she is on her own, she is fully able to decide for herself whether or not she wants to marry. Permission from her parents is not needed. I was 27 when my husband and I married and 26 when we became engaged. I was living on my own and teaching full time. I knew my parents liked my fiance and his parents liked me. The engagement was between the two of us. My husband did not go to my parents and ask them for permission or blessing to marry me. One, because the permission wasn’t there’s to give. Two, because we no longer follow those archaic traditions. Three, if one and two are true, then why go through a meaningless gesture that only hearkens back to a darker time for women?
I guess what I’m trying to express is my puzzlement over traditions that are now fairly harmless but are only considered “norms” because we’ve always done them. Yet…no one seems to know why. And if we do know why they used to be observed and the attitudes behind them no longer exist, why do we still do them?
Again…no repression or victization. Just curiosity. (I don’t have emotocons…so you can’t see me smiling)
5. wordgirl said:
November 13, 2006 @ 4:49 pm
Corrections: Theirs and victimization. Sorry.
6. Jessica Carlson said:
November 13, 2006 @ 9:12 pm
Stacy, if you do the smilies the old-fashion way, you’ll get the emoticons. It’s the old mixing with the new in perfect harmony.
Anyway, I see what you’re saying, but I’ll take the traditional values over today’s casual values. I think most of them extend themselves as common courtesy.
7. kim said:
November 14, 2006 @ 8:25 am
The hand shake thing can be very telling. The worst is the limp fish, it kind of creeps me out. I can handle the awkardness of the handshake, because if they don’t offer I do in a very non-agressive manner. What makes me scream is when in a group of men I contribute to the conversation and am met with dead silence. It’s humiliating.
8. MC Milker said:
November 16, 2006 @ 9:29 am
OK - I must be in the minority here. In my former life as a marketing exec in Fortune 500 companies, male co-workers insisting on kissing/hugging me hello was one of my pet peeves. Maybe it is my Northern European background but, this annoyed me to no end.
Perhaps it was because I worked with older salesmen. Perhaps I looked huggable - my DS certainly thinks so :-)My primary defense was to take one step back as the outstretched arms came my way and thrust my hand forward with a hearty handshake.
Since my DS is still a bit young, haven’t quite needed to think about how to handle this yet. Of course now that you have brought it up…I will.
9. wordgirl said:
November 16, 2006 @ 10:15 am
Wow, MC! I thought I was asking for the world by wanting a simple handshake. I had no idea that a professional man would require a hug/kiss from a female colleague. That’s just gross.
10. MC Milker said:
November 17, 2006 @ 12:50 pm
Well, in general, it was a “kiss on the cheek” that was requested…which isn’t so odd if you consider the custom in many European countries of single or double cheek kissing, though this is typically in a social, not business setting:-)
What’s interesting is how we will raise our sons and daughters to enter, an obviously intergenerational, workforce. Some of the older members of a workforce may cling to the old ideas. What do we tell our children? What advice can we give them?
11. ortizzle said:
November 17, 2006 @ 10:55 pm
I lived in Spain for a couple of decades where the “mwah-mwah” kiss, one on each cheek, is common in social settings with friends. But never, ever, in a business context was I expected to proffer more than a handshake. (Even in social settings when you are first introduced to men who might be friends of your friends, it isn’t a real “contact” kiss on the face, just an “air kiss,” i.e., moving your head in either direction.) Two men introduced in a business context would also shake hands, or at best, after a congenial lunch, they might part with a “pat on the back” and handshake. Definitely not any “mwah-mwah” stuff between men, social or otherwise, but maybe that’s a latino thing.
Interesting comments on the handshake in general. We had a speaker in the all girls school where I teach who mentioned that topic and asked girls what sort of handshake would be appropriate for them to use in the business world, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the dead fish!). Her answer was that it depends on the situation, but somewhere in the middle was probably best. Oddly enough, she never even brought up the issue of whether they would be shaking a man’s hand or a woman’s hand, just that the best impression was created with a certain amount of firmness. The overboard bone-crushing handshake was never an option.
12. Jessica Carlson said:
November 18, 2006 @ 9:03 am
MC Milker, if men were kissing and hugging you in a business setting, why in the world wouldn’t you file a harassment? I mean, I have been around the business block myself and that is not normal or acceptable in all the places I’ve travelled for business.
That is just really, really odd.
13. MC Milker said:
November 18, 2006 @ 10:53 am
Wow – I have inadvertently caused a stir…not my intention! Perhaps because I am, “ the not quite crunchy parentâ€, I find myself in situations where hugs and “air-kisses†or “check kisses†are common (crunchy) and where a handshake is the only answer (not-crunchy). Mine is a balanced approach.
A full on smooch, would have sent me running to HR, but, a hug and air kiss, is really not something that I would tend to consider harassment…unless clearly uninvited and repeated after a verbal “bonk on the head†to an older, unaware male manager.
Corporate culture does play a role here. During international business trips, I frequently encountered both male and female managers initiating a hug upon greeting. In a Mexican based company, with which I worked, this was also a common occurrence.
Perhaps, as a baby-boomer, I was a little more accepting than a woman entering business today. For goodness sakes, male managers SHOULD know the new rules by now!
Thanks for all of the comments on my post…I blog to think and I’m getting lots to think about.