Mind Your Own Business, Mommy?
Posted
October 31, 2006 at
1:00 am by
Cristina
When it comes to?‚? relating?‚? to other moms, I realize that there’s a big difference between being?‚? nosy and?‚? judgmental?‚? and being a caring, concerned friend. For example, while the?‚? judgemental mom might make her mommy friend feel guilty for not?‚? properly bundling up her child on an outing to the park in cold weather, the concerned but caring mom would simply offer an extra blanket if she had one to spare.
However,?‚? I often find that the line between being judgmental?‚? and being?‚? concerned is not always so?‚? easy to judge. For example, a few months ago, during one of my son’s playgroup dates, the topic of sports came up among the moms present. One of the new moms, who had just joined the group recently, mentioned that she and her husband love to play tennis and basketball.
“Wow”, I said. “You have time to play tennis and basketball with an infant??‚? That’s great. I haven’t exercised?‚? at all since my son was born. Who watches?‚? your baby while you guys play?”
“Oh,” she said, “no one has to watch the baby?‚? for us because we play with the baby.”
“You play with the baby? What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“Oh, it’s easy,” she explained. “I just strap my daughter into the Baby Bjorn and play with her. She loves it. In fact, she usually just falls asleep while we play.”
As I looked around the room at the handful of other moms?‚? listening in to the conversation, I noticed that almost all of their mouths were hanging open. As was mine.
This girl was playing tennis and basketball with her baby strapped into her Baby Bjorn? Was she serious? Hadn’t she ever heard of shaken baby syndrome?
Immediately, I thought to myself, “Could this explain her baby’s listlessness? Could this baby, who was?‚? always very quiet and almost always asleep?‚? during the few outings she had attended with the mom’s group, actually have brain damage because her?‚? mother bounced her around several hours a week playing sports?”
By the time I had wrapped my mind around it, she had changed the subject. But for the rest of that day and for weeks later, it bothered me. Should I say something to her? Warn her about the dangers of bouncing her little bitty 14-pound baby around on the tennis court? Tell her that the bones of?‚? her child’s skull had yet to?‚? completely grow together? Was it possible that she really didn’t know this? I felt compelled to say something.
And yet, something stopped me.?‚? Part of me felt like?‚? it wasn’t my place to say anything. And after all, she is the mother of the baby not me. Plus, I hadn’t seen them playing tennis or basketball. Maybe, somehow, she could play without really moving. Maybe the image of her jostling that baby up and down for an hour three times a week was just me over-reacting and not understanding the situation.
So, I never did say anything.?‚? And in retrospect, I feel a little guilty about it. I mean, if that had been me, and I had been putting my baby at risk without realizing it, I would have wanted another mother to say something to me. It might have hurt my pride at the time, but I would have appreciated it.?‚?
So, now I am just left wondering if her baby is OK. I saw her again recently and was relieved to see that her daughter, now a one-year-old,?‚? appeared normal. But if I had to do it over again, I would have said something. Only I would approached it delicately, and rather than?‚? blurting out, “Are you crazy?!”, which is what I was thinking,?‚? I would have simply suggested the following: “Perhaps you might want to consider taking up a hobby like Scrabble instead.”
Tags: mommy-groups |
34 Responses to “Mind Your Own Business, Mommy?”
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1. Kristen said:
October 31, 2006 @ 7:51 am
Ha. I think there’s a line between opinionated and judgmental - nothing wrong with stating an opinion - but being judgmental - a whole other story.
2. Jessica Carlson said:
October 31, 2006 @ 8:18 am
That’s a difficult situation to be sure. I tend to only offer my suggestions if:
a) I know the person really well and can make an educated guess as to how to bring it up
b) I know one her friends really well and can ask them about it. Usually they’ll put my noseyness to rest or they’ll offer to talk to her
c) I can offer the advice in form of a question, such as, “How do you prevent the baby’s head from flopping all around? They’re brains kinda float around and can hit their skull (or something like that).
Often times with a little elaboration, my concerns will be alleviated or the mom will be like, “Really? Oh, my, gosh, I didn’t know!”
I think it’s fair to ask the question, but to hold your judgement until the mom is able to further explain herself. If she brought it up, I think there’s nothing wrong with asking questions. It’s what interested human beings do anyway.
It also depends on what the concern is. You have to ask yourself, is the baby in immediate danger. Obviously, imminent physical danger gives one more authority to ask questions or voice an opinion, rather than differing POV’s on parenting styles. I save those rants for the internet!
3. Much More Than A Mom said:
October 31, 2006 @ 10:37 am
Moron.
Oh wait - did I say that out loud?
It’s so hard to know when to say something, isn’t it? I usually come home and talk to my husband about it. He’s not much help - he just calls them morons (wonder where I get it from?) but I usually feel better after talking to him.
4. christina_the_wench said:
October 31, 2006 @ 11:18 am
What the…?!? Of course, it being me, I would have said what you thought. “Do you KNOW the bones of the skull aren’t strong and built up yet? Have you heard of shaken baby syndrome? Does YOUR brain work ok?”
I’m a wench though.
5. Kristin said:
October 31, 2006 @ 11:36 am
I know I would have blurted out something along the lines of, “You’re joking right?”
Because I can be rude in the face of stupidity.
6. Kevin Charnas said:
October 31, 2006 @ 1:08 pm
Holy crap…that makes me a little sick. I can’t believe that she would do that??? I hope that you don’t blame yourself too much, that’s a hard spot to be in… But HER? Maybe HER mother jostled her brain around doing cart-wheels when she was a child, it sure sounds like it.
7. Jessica Carlson said:
October 31, 2006 @ 3:25 pm
You know what’s so funny and wrong at the same time? I did a google search on this, and somebody who is selling a sling on ebaby put a disclaimer about not going swimming while wearing your infant in their sling!!!!
I also asked the owner of a sling designing company and she said that it’s not recommended [obviously] that you do these types of activities while wearing babies, but that she hoped that the mom was not talking about high, intense contact activity while doing these things. In other words, she might have just been shooting hoops and not like slamming people down the court. LOL. The tennis thing, I don’t know if anybody can explain that one.
I asked her about it, because I don’t even know how it’s possible to play tennis while having a 14lb. baby strapped to you. The whole thing is just weird, weird, weird.
8. Kristen said:
October 31, 2006 @ 3:29 pm
I agree- it’s difficult to voice your concern without looking like you are trying to tell them what to do or implying they are a bad mom. I’ve had several conversations with other moms where I KNEW they were doing something that could harm thier child and I never knew how to say something without offending. I’d use the “my doctor says” route next time. I always blamed my doctor when my future MIL tried to tell me what to do.
9. wendy boucher said:
October 31, 2006 @ 4:04 pm
She’s not a moron, she’s a liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire. I don’t believe her that she plays sports with her baby strapped onto her. I won’t believe it. It’s too moronic.
10. Cristina said:
October 31, 2006 @ 4:05 pm
11. Cristina said:
October 31, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
12. Kyla said:
October 31, 2006 @ 4:33 pm
There is a THIN line between caring, compassionate and rude, judgemental….and it is a hard line to straddle at times. I think I would have said “Isn’t all the jostling not good for the baby’s neck/head/brain at this stage?” and then she might have been upset or she might have said “Oh, I just practice serving and I’m pretty stationary.” or some other way to calm my concerns…or maybe it would make her think and it might help the kid out. Ideally, that’s how I think I would have handled it…but in actuality? I’m much more likely to keep my mouth shut..even when I know I shouldn’t.
13. chelle said:
October 31, 2006 @ 6:01 pm
I usually say very little unless I am very close to the person. It is so easy to me misunderstood. Yesterday some lady started yelling at me because my 2 year old was standing on an escalator?!?!? She thought her dress was going to get sucked into it!??!?! I was like what the?!?!?! Totally offended, whereas my husband thanked her?!!?! Moms can be weird!
Great post!
14. carrie said:
October 31, 2006 @ 6:59 pm
My eyeroll would’ve said it all - that is a completely tough situation to be in and I’m glad that baby is o.k.
15. Allison said:
October 31, 2006 @ 7:23 pm
I had a similar situation. My husband and I were at a BBQ at his friend from work’s house. His wife was going on and on about how big her 6mo old son was and that she finally decided to turn his carseat around. I tried to tell her politely that 6mo was too young to be forward-facing and if she had an accident, the baby’s neck “would be severly hurt”. But she kept insisting he’d be “just fine”. I finally just backed off and talked to someone else at the party.
16. mothergoosemouse said:
October 31, 2006 @ 8:11 pm
I’ve done a lot of stuff with my girls strapped to me in a Baby Bjorn, but playing sports is not on the list.
I think I would’ve had to say something. Scratch that; the look on my face would’ve said it all.
17. Prescott said:
October 31, 2006 @ 10:05 pm
I go skeet shooting with my Baby Bjorn.
18. Tracie said:
November 1, 2006 @ 1:09 am
I can’t really imagine that anyone living near you hasn’t heard of shaken baby syndrome….really, but maybe this crazy lady just didn’t understand.
Here is a question-even if she played tennis standing still-what happens if she missed a ball and it slammed inot the baby’s head-that is a whole seperate brain damage issue.
I dont’ think I would have been able to restrain myself from saying something
19. Lotta said:
November 1, 2006 @ 8:51 am
Wow - that goes beyond judgy. To comment on that would have simply been a concerned parent. It’s not too late to say, “This has been sitting with me and I’m concerned for you.” I know I’ve done some bonehead mom moves and needed a smack in the head from time to time. That said, my sister in law skied down BLACK DIAMONDS pregnant and with her baby in a Bjorn. Go figure!
20. Jessica said:
November 1, 2006 @ 12:23 pm
Funny to me that the post is on being judgemental vs being concerned and several women on here were very VERY judgemental. Just an interesting little insight.
I have a difficult time with it. Sometimes my opinion or what I have been told or read comes out of my mouth before I have a chance to remember: hey there is more than one way to parent. Otherwise I TRY to just keep my mouth shut unless it is a very good friend.
On this one, though, I think I would have said something.
21. Jess said:
November 1, 2006 @ 2:06 pm
After reading this, I was also left with the same impression as Wendy B. How is that even logistically possible?
22. Maniacal said:
November 1, 2006 @ 2:29 pm
BAHHH I couldn’t even muster up enough energy to take a walk around the BLOCK with my baby in the carrier. Tennis?! Sheesh!
She could have just been lightly playing. Ya know….like standing there and hitting the ball back and forth. Not like running around. Possible, right?
23. Jenny said:
November 1, 2006 @ 3:42 pm
Ick. Stories like that make my stomach hurt.
24. adwina - insparenting.com said:
November 1, 2006 @ 11:17 pm
I can’t believe she did that to her child. Even though she probably had no idea about shaken baby syndrome, it’s absolutely not safe for her to carry her child that way :(.
If I were in your situation, I think I would talk to her privately and told her what I feel. I don’t care if she would dump me. Losing a friend is ‘better’ than letting a friend put a child in danger.
25. Andrea said:
November 2, 2006 @ 1:14 am
Hmmm… maybe she moved very carefully and put a bunch of blankets in there for padding. I can’t imagine she was *really* playing. Maybe she brought it up at playgroup just for the purpose of getting everyone’s reaction. I would have felt like you - compelled to say something but afraid of offending. Glad the baby appears to be OK now!
26. Kim said:
November 2, 2006 @ 10:39 am
Ok, call me crazy, but my first reaction was not about shaken baby syndrome. My first thought was “what happens if the baby gets hit with a ball?” And why not just play your game during nap time and let the baby sleep in a stroller right next to the court? Some people just don’t have any sense…
27. Cristina said:
November 2, 2006 @ 11:12 am
28. Prescott said:
November 2, 2006 @ 1:43 pm
You know, this whole scenario has SNL commercial parody written all over it. Anyone have Tina Fey’s cell number?
29. Dana said:
November 2, 2006 @ 3:03 pm
Oh Lord! The thought of this woman playing sports with a child in a born scares the hell out of me. I don’t care if she thought I am judgemental…that’s just NOT sane. Not at all!
30. Ruth Dynamite said:
November 3, 2006 @ 6:52 am
There’s no way she’s actually playing tennis or basketball with any degree of intensity with a baby strapped to her chest. I don’t buy it.
31. mamacita tina said:
November 5, 2006 @ 9:17 am
I tend to clam up in those situations, and then my mind can’t stop thinking about the poor baby. I say we just stick our necks out there and say something, better to play it safe for the baby’s sake.
32. Heather said:
November 6, 2006 @ 9:30 pm
As a mom who has recently become the victim of “the look”, the one where parents looked shocked when they hear my son who recently turned three is not yet potty trained, I agree that the line can be VERY thin. However, I think a few cautious words, as long as they are lacking in judgement, can go a long way. I do appreciate your concern. No one wants to feel as though they are being a busybody! Insightful blog! I enjoyed it.
33. lildb said:
November 7, 2006 @ 12:21 am
omigod omigod omigod omigOD OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGODDD *passes out from not breathing between omigods*
34. Rebecca said:
January 15, 2008 @ 11:42 pm
Thank you all for posting such perfect examples of typical “judgemental playgroup mom” behavior. I shall make sure to forward this page to all of my playgroup peers whom might be unclear as to what the true signs of this behavior are.
Seriously… the world is not black and white. Isn’t it possible that what she was just casually shooting hoops and not running up and down a court for 4 quarters like an NBA player? It appears that you all were so busy ranting that you didn’t even take the time to think about the gray areas.
***Scoffs***