Eyes Wide Open
Posted
September 14, 2006 at
2:36 am by
Cristina
During hour thirteen of my 24-hour quasi-medicated labor, I remember having one distinct thought: There is no way in hell I will EVER do this again.
While I was pregnant, I would often ask women to tell me what labor was like, what a contraction was like. Mostly, they all said the same thing???‚¬???that it was hard to describe what a contraction felt like (you???‚¬?„?d just know when you had one) and that labor wasn???‚¬?„?t really that bad.
They were right about one thing. When I had my first contraction, I sure as heck knew what it was. But they were lying when they said that labor wasn???‚¬?„?t that bad. Or if they weren???‚¬?„?t lying, then they all had some?‚? pretty high pain tolerances compared to my wimpy self. Because for me, labor hurt. A lot.
But more than that,?‚? it?‚? was a dark place. A scary place. A place where I felt helpless, confused, and alone.
Not to say that my labor was uniquely difficult. I had a failed epidural, lots of Pitocin, and contractions that were ineffectual and unusually long, lasting up to 7 minutes. Yet, I know that there are women out there who have had it worse. Much worse. And my intention here is not to compare labors. It is just to say that labor was hard.?‚? And I expect that it is hard for many. So if that???‚¬?„?s the case, then why do women tend to?‚? sugarcoat it?‚? it when they???‚¬?„?re talking to moms-to-be? I think I’d rather have known the worst-case scenario, not the best case.
At one point, the pain was so bad that I remember looking at my husband and pleading for him to do something to help me. I was literally writhing in pain and felt like I was going to completely lose my mind. He was the only one there with me. The only who could possibly help me. And yet, he felt helpless too.
???‚¬?“I don???‚¬?„?t know what to do???‚¬??, he said.
The thing was it wasn???‚¬?„?t his fault; he really didn???‚¬?„?t know what to do.?‚? But in that moment, I felt completely, utterly alone. Just me and the pain. It would be 12 more hours until the baby was born.
In hindsight, I realize that my own fear, my own helplessness in the situation was making my pain worse. What it came down to was that I was not prepared. Not in the slightest. I hadn???‚¬?„?t read any books on labor techniques. I hadn???‚¬?„?t hired a Doula or practiced my breathing exercises. I hadn???‚¬?„?t demanded that my mother be present during the labor to help us. I had gone through one day of Lamaze class and that was it. I didn???‚¬?„?t fully realize what I was headed?‚? for or really respect the process I was about to undertake.
Now that 14 months have passed since the birth of our son, I???‚¬?„?ve finally reached the point where I feel that I can do it again, and?‚? recently?‚? we???‚¬?„?ve decided to start trying for our second baby.
And I have no problem admitting that I???‚¬?„?m scared as hell. But we???‚¬?„?re going for it anyway. Only this time we???‚¬?„?ll be more prepared. We have to be.
Tags: baby, childbirth, labor, Parenting |
53 Responses to “Eyes Wide Open”
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31. Becka said:
September 14, 2006 @ 5:15 pm
I don’t think mommies intentionally sugar coat it. I think that many of them simply “fog” it out. And some women truely have painless labor, my cousin did. She didn’t even know she was having contractions and she had Jacob so fast she didn’t have time to think about the pain.
You’re next labor will be much better, you know what to expect, you can be better prepaired and the chances of having a second failed epidural and slim. The only you need to worry about this time around is pooing on the table
You’re gonna do great!
32. Mary-LUE said:
September 14, 2006 @ 5:39 pm
Ah the joys of hindsight! I am sure you will be much more prepared for things the next time around. I, too, was unhappy about aspects of my labor and birth. The second time around I made a point of doing what I could to change the things I didn’t like. Were there still surprises? You bet. But I am glad that I did what I could. Of course, I also had 4 friends in there with me, along with the hubby! My own little entourage insured that I had support when things got tough and I think my husband felt better knowing it didn’t all rest on his shoulders. But then, I am a extrovert!
33. ~d said:
September 14, 2006 @ 5:45 pm
Thing 1: scared, uncertain a few problems.
Thing 2: Party time!
34. Kristen said:
September 14, 2006 @ 6:30 pm
I try not to think about that part. Because I still remember. And it was NOT fun. AT ALL.
35. Cristina said:
September 14, 2006 @ 6:44 pm
36. Much More Than A Mom said:
September 14, 2006 @ 8:35 pm
Oh - I so so hear you on this. I really want another baby (Not yet!) but I’m so afraid of having back labour again. Not that that will happen to you. Because you? Are perfect.
37. slackermommy said:
September 14, 2006 @ 9:25 pm
Not only do women tend to sugar coat pregnancy and birth but they also tend to not talk about those icky private little details. I’m a nurse and I was still clueless about so many things. Details that I wish a mommy friend would have told me about, such as it being normal to have lots of pregnancy discharge that smells a little off, breastfeeding can be toe curling painful, and that you bleed for a long time after birth. I joke all the time about writing a book about the REAL truth behind pregnancy, birth, and motherhood.
38. Catherine said:
September 14, 2006 @ 9:52 pm
Actually, I had the exact opposite experience… lots of mom’s scaring the crapola out of me with their horrific birth stories. I think the nice ones downplayed their pain to due to a funky combination of humility, momnesia, and not wanting to make the me faint with terror.
39. Catherine said:
September 14, 2006 @ 9:53 pm
And, hey, you did GREAT!!
40. Lisa B said:
September 14, 2006 @ 10:52 pm
Hey lady,
Great article!
41. Zephra said:
September 15, 2006 @ 9:03 am
Whenever someone asks me I always tell them the truth. It is the worst pain I have ever experienced. That includes stepping on a nail, slamming and locking my thumb in a truch door, and 2 buldging disks. As far as being more prepared…nothing works like and epidural. I know your failed but try again. I had 2 kids without and 2 with. The 2 with were wonderful experiences and the 2 without were horrible memories (except for the baby part).
42. Chris D said:
September 15, 2006 @ 9:35 am
Thank you for the article. Nothing can compare a woman for delivery. I’m not sure, though, that telling them the awful truth will help a first timer. Like everyone has said, everyone is different.
Didn’t have an epi for #1 and it worked for about 2 hours for the second (before it wore off and I was dialated to 10).The epidural didn’t work on #3 and I yelled in the delivery room,”Oh, great, why am I paying $700? For THIS?” (something along that order, and yes, it did cost more $ than that).
Congratulations and hold that baby as much as you can–they’ll be 5 yo before you know it.
43. gbgmomma said:
September 15, 2006 @ 4:56 pm
Great article, you clearly have struck a nerve! I agree with slackermommy. Why don’t you hear about all that other stuff that comes after the pregnancy and childbirth? You should write a book, slackermommy. There are quite a few things that need to be addressed. I was SO prepared for childbirth with my first. BTW, I really think that learning as much as you can from many different sources - a range of books, not just “what to expect” and “girlfriend’s guide”, doctors, classes, etc. is the key to managing fear and pain, as others have said, but I was so interested in all the clinical stuff anyways, it was easy for me to do. But afterwards, whoa. The nether regions are all ashambles and I couldn’t believe how hard breastfeeding was - not to mention the postpartum insanely CRAZY hormone surges politely termed “the baby blues” (don’t get me started!) I stuck with bf but it was NOT easy for the first 3 weeks. So then everyone said that bf would be second nature with later kids. It wasn’t! It was hard and painful with the second and even the third! But, Jessica said it best, nothing worth having comes easy.
44. Cristina said:
September 15, 2006 @ 6:25 pm
Everyone: thank you for your comments. I’ve read through each of them and I really appreciate your thoughts. I will keep an open mind for my next birth experience. Perhaps someday in the future I’ll be writing about how much easier it was the second time around. A girl can hope!
45. sirbarrett said:
September 15, 2006 @ 8:39 pm
Good luck! I’ve heard the second time around isn’t so bad but then what do I know? I was born under a tree in fifteen minutes. (I think my mother’s stomach was spring-loaded).
Maybe someday they’ll innovate medical science to the point where we’ll just have babies growing on racks in industrial-sized incubators.
But that would take away the joy of natural child-birth. Ah, the joy! (We really don’t know what the hell to do). Smile!
46. Girl con Queso said:
September 15, 2006 @ 10:45 pm
It’s interesting hearing different stories about the same action…birth.
I have a weird perspective because I had two miscarriages. Nine months apart. In both cases, I elected not to have a D&C but to have them naturally. I’m not that “natural” of a chick, but I wanted both of the babies to leave me in their way, in their own time, not to be taken out by force. Both were extremely painful processes…in many ways. The first lasted about 9 hours. In the process, I had a wreck in my car on the way home. The second was much worse. It lasted about 28 hours. I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it through. Now I realize that a miscarriage before four months is very different than having a full-term baby. But it was still quite a process for me.
But in retrospect, I’m really glad that I had that time with those babies. Because even though it was painful, it was my time with each of them…and that’s all the time I’ll ever have with them. And so I’m extremely thankful for it.
About a year later, I became pregnant with my son, and I was really looking forward to having the “labor” experience. Not completely sure why, but I think it had something to do with exercising the other two experiences.
So we went through all the coaching, training, yoga, etc.etc. And then, after an extremely boring pregnancy, my son decided he needed to make an appearance three weeks early. Out of nowhere. Emergency C-section. So. Never had one labor pain. Not one. I’d never wanted a C-section. To date, it’s still never what I would have chosen. But I have to admit, it was pretty great.
47. mamacita tina said:
September 16, 2006 @ 7:53 am
We sort of forget the intense pain as time passes. Sure we remember feeling like we’re going to die, but then we think, was it really that bad. I after to remind myself…YES!
48. carrie said:
September 17, 2006 @ 1:25 am
In an effort to NOT sugarcoat anything and having gone through 3 completely different labors and births, I can say this, preparation has little to do with how much pain tolerance you have, unless you’re one of those easy-to-hypnotize folks. Seriously, I was prepared enough to have a PhD. Pain doesn’t care if you’ve read every lamaze, bradley, huffing and puffing book out there. The good thing, it has an end, and that end yields a beautiful baby, guaranteed. And knowing that, you really have nothing to be afraid of.
49. emma said:
September 17, 2006 @ 5:49 am
I don’t know why so many women sugercoat it. My mother said that it was quite bad, but then as soon as I came out she felt like a choir of heavenly angels was singing!@$% My first birth was medicated and tiring but not painful, but my second was non medicated and boy was it painful!! I tell women doing natural labour that contractions are like your worst period cramp times a thousand. I think that about covers it. But for me natural labor really was worth it, I did get that huge natural high as soon as the baby was out!
50. Danielle said:
September 17, 2006 @ 10:09 am
I remember thinking everything was a contraction during my first pregnancy–then I couldn’t believe the pain of the real thing!!!
I had a very painful time during that delivery. My dad could hear me screaming as he sat in the waiting room down the hall. I popped blood vessels in both eyes, I pooped myself, I cried and shreiked in pain…it was definitely the most painful day of my life.
But a year later, I told my mom that it wasn’t really that bad and I planned on doing it again.
My 2nd was bigger and had more complications–the cord wrapped his neck, pushing started early, then shoulders were stuck. But it was actually less painful.
The 3rd was the perfect delivery.
51. Andrea P-S said:
September 17, 2006 @ 10:11 pm
I didn’t lie to you!
I mean, I really didn’t… with my first baby it really was a *beautiful* experience (not trying to rub it in your face, just sharing!). I felt very little pain (my epi actually worked) and I was focused and giddy at the same time. With my second one, I waited too long for an epi, and I had a half-hour glimpse of the pain and fear you described so well. I was so thankful when my meds kicked in. I’m sorry to hear yours was so scary! You described your experience so beautifully. Does it help that you have a great story to tell (plus a little cutie pie)?
Thank you for sharing.
52. Alicia R said:
April 2, 2007 @ 8:08 am
I could not believe when I read this story - how it sounded like a carbon copy of my story… until I got to the part where she said she had a boy! (I had a girl) My experience mirrored yours so closely. What I’m wondering now, is if you’ve had your next one yet, and how the second-time around was? My epidural did not work in my first birthing experience and I am very concerned it will not work again. Does anyone know anyone who had it not work more than once - or do you generally have the same odds each time you try?
The only thing I can add to the comments is that yes, other people do handle the pain better than some. However, I also believe it is not as painful for some either. My mother-in-law never hesitated to mention over and over that she didn’t know what the big deal was, it didn’t hurt. Well that’s all fine and good for her but what she doesn’t understand is that she was very lucky that it was that simple.
So for those of you who are lucky enough to have had a smooth delivery - try to be understanding to those who havent! We are not all built the same and as much as some of us want to think of it as a beautiful experience and tried to block the pain with the thoughts of a beautiful pink bundle - I believe sometimes the pain is just too great to block.
53. Raquita said:
April 2, 2007 @ 9:20 am
my epi wore off three times during labor. it wasn’t fun at all… Ironically I cared less and less as it happened.